Twin Addictions

I have struggled as to how to describe to you who are not porn viewers just what your porn-viewer is seeing without becoming too crude. While I do not want to put images into your mind, it is critical that you understand just how horrific porn is today. You need to be alarmed! You need to be offended! It is time we “take the gloves off” and come to realize that what is available to your spouse and children is as vile and evil as any drug addiction or holocaust the world has seen.

Simply stated, pornography can be thought of as all erotically explicit material intended primarily to sexually arouse the reader, viewer, or listener. The United States Supreme Court has said that there are four categories of pornography that can be determined illegal, which include: indecency, material harmful to minors, obscenity, and child pornography.

1. Indecent. This includes all messages or pictures depicted on any media device—radio, internet, TV, printed material, telephone—that are patently offensive descriptions or depictions of sexual or excretory organs or activities. It is often referred to as “sexual nudity” and “dirty words.”

2. Material Harmful to Minors. This represents material that has nudity or sex that has prurient appeal for minors, is offensive and unsuitable for minors and lacks serious value for minors. There are “harmful to minors” laws in every state.

3. Obscene. This is “hard-core pornography.” Graphic material that focuses on the sex act and/or sexual violence. It includes close-ups of graphic sex acts, lewd exhibition of the genitals, and deviant activities such as group sex, bestiality, torture, incest, and excretory functions. There are federal obscenity laws that criminalize distribution of obscenity on the internet, but they have not been vigorously enforced.²

4. Child Pornography. Child pornography is material that visually depicts children under the age of 18 engaged in actual or simulated sexual activity, including lewd exhibition of the genitals. It is always illegal to produce, distribute, or possess child pornography in the United States.³ But, in 1996 the Child Porn Prevention Act was ruled unconstitutional by the Supreme Court of the United States because its definition of child pornography was overly broad. Now the law states that anyone who is really under the age of 18 cannot be photographed in sexually explicit activities.

However, anyone who just looks like they are younger can participate. This has opened the door for those who look young, to be “childified” to look much younger. By depicting someone who appears to be under-age, the viewer gets to view simulated child porn without fearing arrest.

Searches for “teen sex” sites are in the multi-millions! The point of the sites is to sexually arouse men, or women, with images of sexualized children. There are also sites that glorify father-daughter/parent-child incest.

A word about incest: In my work with adult survivors of child abuse, I learned that most cases of incest were non-violent. In other words, the perpetrator did not violently impose himself upon the child. The father [uncle, brother, babysitter, neighbor, family friend] “groomed” his child to be his lover. She does not know how to object and has no power in the “relationship.” The mother is not around, unaware, or complicit. Any sexual relationship between a parent, or adult authority figure, and a child is considered molestation. Fathers do not have the right to be “nurtured” by their daughters, even if the mother is otherwise unavailable to him. Incest may continue as the “last taboo” for only a short time more. There are advocates for “family sexual time.” While working for LDS Social Services, I received a call from a man who wanted information about placing his wife’s unborn baby for adoption. As I asked questions, the man slowly revealed that the baby’s father was his own son. The parents had an “open bed” policy in their home where their son and daughter joined them while they were having sex. Eventually, as the children grew older, they changed partners freely.

“Pornography seems, at first glance, to be a purely instinctual matter: sexually explicit pictures trigger instinctual responses, which are the product of millions of years of evolution. But if that were true, pornography would be unchanging. The same triggers, bodily parts and their proportions, that appealed to our ancestors would excite us. This is what pornographers would have us believe, for they claim they are battling sexual repression, taboo, and fear and that their goal is to liberate the natural, pent-up sexual instincts.”⁴ This is not true. Pornography is dynamic—it changes. The porn of 30 years ago meant explicit images of people having sex, displaying genitals. That was considered hardcore. Today, porn has evolved and is increasingly filled with sadomasochistic scenes with angry, demeaning, forced scripts that fuse sex with violence, hatred, and humiliation. Within the porn genre there is every range of sex act imaginable. Many times, it depicts one woman with multiple men. Cruel and degrading cannot begin to describe what is being played out. Much of the pornography that is seen on the internet today is called “gonzo” porn. It is meant to be crude, demeaning of women, and violent. What is now considered softcore porn is depicted in every daytime soap opera, many programs in prime time viewing, cable TV produced series and movies, most PG-13+ movies, MTV music videos, advertisements, and even “family” programming. We are being groomed to accept the naked backside of men or scenes with women in the shower. We see suggestive scenes flash by almost before we can recognize them. Language that used to be considered inappropriate is now used freely.

We have been lulled into thinking that we can do nothing about it. We should not make a fuss about little gratuitous scenes that are thrown in, like a barroom scene with dancers stripping on stage. It is just one brief scene. It did not have anything to do with the storyline. It was over quickly. But we are sliding down the slope of acceptance without a fight, without an objection.

“The continuous invasion of graphic, hard–core online pornography into cultures worldwide has been called the ‘largest unregulated social experiment in human history’ and represents a hidden public health hazard we should not ignore. In 2010, the Witherspoon Institute released ‘The Social Costs of Pornography: A Statement of Findings and Recommendations,’ the first multifaceted, multidisciplinary, scholarly review of contemporary pornography since the advent of the Internet. The report’s findings conclude that pornography, especially via the Internet, harms children, women, and men and fuels pornography addiction, the breakdown of marriage, and sex trafficking. Other peer-reviewed studies have reached similar conclusions.”⁵

Pornography is not about romantic sex. It does not depict two committed people, deeply in love, who are expressing feelings of admiration and commitment to one another. This is no Hallmark moment. It is also not about seduction or even temptation. The porn industry is all about money—your money. It is a profit-driven commerce that manufactures a version of sex that has invaded our culture to the point that we see elements of porn throughout mainstream society.

It was profit-driven from the beginning. When the first daguerreotype cameras were invented, photos of nude women became available to men. But in the days of your great-great-grandfathers, these pictures were few and far between. With the first publishing of Playboy magazine in 1953, things began to change. Playboy sought to present porn as sophisticated and upscale. The centerfolds were “tastefully” designed to entice. It claimed to have intellectual articles on male refinement, depicting the lifestyle of the playboy as desirable, every man’s dream life. Now, everyone knew that if the nudes were removed from the magazine, the publication would rapidly come to an end. Men bought Playboy magazine because of the nudes, not despite them. Within 10 years, the magazine’s circulation topped 4,500,000—slow growth when compared to what the future would hold. By the end of the 1960’s, Playboy had a rival magazine in Penthouse. This publication pushed the boundaries set by Playboy. The pictures were noticeably more explicit. Within just a few years, Penthouse had a circulation of over 1,500,000. Then, in 1974, came Hustler which broke every existing boundary. Its publisher, Larry Flynt proudly stated in the publication, “Anyone can be a playboy and have a penthouse, but it takes a man to be a Hustler.”⁶ Within three years, Hustler magazine topped 3,000,000 in circulation.

The three magazines exploded and were everywhere. But you still had to go to a store that sold them and ask for them from behind the counter or have them mailed to you in plain brown paper wrappers. There was an element of secrecy, which added to the excitement, about how you got your copy. Men hid their copy under their bed or at the back of the closet. Even when pornographic movies and videos began to be produced, they were shown only in seedy old theaters where men secretly went long after dark. Or if you were able to purchase a personal copy of an “X” rated video, you hid it in the attic and only pulled it out well after the family had gone to bed.

But then came the internet and the pornographic world was changed forever. Now at the click of a mouse you could access pornography all day, all night, with changing actors on thousands of websites. The porn industry has grown into a multi-BILLION-dollar business. “In 2006, worldwide revenue from pornography was $97 billion, more than Microsoft, Google, Amazon, eBay, Yahoo, Apple, and Netflix combined.”⁷ There are over 420 million porn pages available to anyone at any time at a click of a mouse. 4.2 million porn web sites, with 68 million search engine requests per day! Each year over 13,000 porn films are released on video and DVD.

This is Big Business. They hire lobbyists who argue their right for the freedom of speech. They have considerable political clout. Just look at how many of our elected officials have been exposed for having been involved with underage girls, or media producers accused of using their power over unwilling young women for sex in the last few years since the “MeToo” era began. They have the money and the clout to engage in expensive legal battles and use their public relations arm to influence public debate.

The supply chain of businesses that gain from this industry is endless. Most hotels offer a wide variety of porn movies in the comfort and privacy of your hotel room, at little extra cost. Search engines take a large percentage as millions of viewers search and click on advertisements. Credit card companies earn millions from the interest on the personal debt accrued by viewers. The list of businesses that financially benefit from pornography goes on and on.

One reason it has grown so exponentially in the last 20 years is that technology allows consumers to buy in private. No more embarrassing trips to the porn store for magazines and videos. Now with the cell phone, computers, and tablets hundreds of millions of dollars is spent around the world for immediate, continuously accessible porn.

It starts out free and is available to anyone who has access to the internet. In 2015, one porn website recorded over 4,300,000,000 hours of viewing! Over 4 BILLION hours! This is one website. In real time that amounts to 500,000 years. Now multiply that by the thousands of porn websites that are available. It is staggering!
In the Covid-19 world-wide pandemic of 2020, many companies and countries went out of their economic way to help people. But “the most audacious offering must be free porn from Pornhub, a website which gets 42 billion visits every year – 120 million a day. Its premium service, normally US$9.99 a month, was free worldwide in April (2020). ‘With nearly one billion people in lockdown across the world because of the coronavirus pandemic, it’s important that we lend a hand and provide them with an enjoyable way to pass the time,’ Pornhub Vice President’s Corey Price explained.”⁸

An enjoyable way to pass the time! Producers of porn see their “product” as positive, harmless enjoyment. Even though much of what is produced is illegal, based on the above definitions, prosecuting something that is so widespread has become all but impossible. The only way to shut them down is to stop viewing it!

With each iteration of porn, it becomes more and more graphic. Less and less personal. Today the biggest moneymakers for the industry are hardcore, body-punishing gonzo scenarios where women are debased and punished, and men are depicted as potent, dominating brutes.
We are seeing the consequences in our communities as an estimated 88% of porn images viewed include aggression and violence. Porn use has been directly connected with increased drug and alcohol abuse, child and spousal abuse, and human sex trafficking. You can see its impact on society at large. How does it affect your mind and perception of your world?

Be aware that the porn industry is not just seeking out adults. They actively want to engage younger children and to set a standard of normalcy in porn viewing. It is working. Here are some results we need to understand so that we can arm our children, and ourselves, against the power of porn.

“Among those that said they had seen pornography, children in the youngest age group (11 to 13) were the most likely to say that their viewing of this content was mostly or all unintentional (62% vs 46% of 16-17-year-olds).

“50% of 11-to13-year-olds, 65% of 14-to15-year-olds and 78% of 16-17-year-olds reported having seen pornography in some way (shown/sent by someone else, searched for/stumbled upon it).
“There was a disconnect between parents’ perceptions of their children’s pornography viewing practices and the reality: 75% of parents felt their child would not have seen pornography online, but of those children, 53% said they had in fact seen pornography.

“Of the children who admitted to intentionally searching for pornography (n=276), nearly two-thirds of them (63%) said they had done so at one point or another specifically for one or more of the four reasons: (1) Ideas for new things to try. (2) Learning about sex generally. (3) Learning how to get better at sex. (4) Learning what people expect from me sexually.

“Girls in particular mentioned using pornography to learn how to meet boys’ expectations.

“Overall, 41% of all children who were aware of pornography agreed that ‘watching porn makes people less respectful of the opposite sex.’”⁹

We must stop this wave of evil that has taken over our society. We need to raise awareness of how evil this industry is. We must educate and arm our children. But the only real way to stop the spread of porn is to stop buying it!

One reason porn is such a pernicious evil is that it is completely unrealistic. A meaningful sexual relationship with an eternal companion is not what is depicted on the screen. Curiously, it is the fantasy, the lie that hooks people. Now, we are not talking about harmless fantasy here. Sexually healthy people can enjoy creating a world that does not exist—fairytales, or people who have superpowers, etc. Many people love to watch their “shows” that include magical wizards, men climbing up the sides of buildings, or soaring through the sky. What is not to love, right? Fantasy, in and of itself, is not evil. It can be harmless escapism.

Pornographic fantasy is just as unreal as a superpower, but it has destructive power, nonetheless. It uses real people to perform real sexual acts. It is designed to not only distort reality but to destroy what is real.

“Pornography impairs one’s ability to enjoy a normal emotional, romantic, and spiritual relationship with a person of the opposite sex. It erodes the moral barriers that stand against inappropriate, abnormal, or illegal behavior. As conscience is desensitized, patrons of pornography are led to act out what they have witnessed, regardless of its effects on their life and the lives of others.”¹⁰

It is true that reality never lives up to fantasy. How could it? But if we understand that the goal of pornography is to destroy what is good and wholesome it helps us see why this kind of fantasy is so devastating. Pornography stimulates bodily appetites and at the same time suppresses the spirit. Porn takes away the sweetness of a loving, married relationship, thus defeating one of the most important purposes of life—the celestial union of man and woman. It is compellingly addictive because it taps into that powerful feeling designed for exaltation. Satan’s goal is to destroy everything good in your life. He knows he has hooked you when you come to care more for your fantasy than you do for reality.

Masturbation/Self-Stimulation

Masturbation is when you stimulate your own personal, physical sexual feelings with the goal of reaching orgasm. The world would tell you: It is perfect because it is all about just you, your own wants and needs. It does not require a partner or any sensitivity to their feelings. You never have to wait to satisfy yourself. When you want sex, you are never “out of town”, never have a headache, or are too tired. You cannot get pregnant. You will not get a disease. It is only about you.

It is a completely self-centered act. It is selfish on every level.

Think about when and where you masturbate. It is never with another person. You turn away and do it in the dark or where no one can see you. You never want to tell anyone about your experience. These feelings that are meant to be joyful, to lift you to God, to be a holy and exalting act, now leave you feeling down, dirty, and remorseful.

When we choose to indulge the appetites of the body, to give in to the temptation of Satan, we are left with only emptiness. Satan always abandons his victims after he hurts them.¹¹ He delights in your misery because then you are more like him. You have misused your God-like feelings, your God-like body, and taken a step away from your exaltation.

While God would have lovemaking be just that, an expression of committed love, something that unites a couple and lifts them toward heaven, masturbation is just the opposite. Instead of focusing on and building a relationship with another, self-stimulation is all about self-ness. No one matters but you. Selfishness destroys relationships. Selfishness destroys marriages.

While the Bible may not specifically mention masturbation, it is clear about lustful fantasy. In Matthew 5:27-28¹², Jesus teaches that thinking about another woman lustfully is adultery. Based on this law, you cannot, under any circumstances justify masturbation. Bringing yourself to orgasm, stimulating God-like feelings without a married partner is, according to Jesus, adultery. It is being unfaithful to marriage vows, even if you are single. Until marriage, you do not have permission to stimulate those sacred feelings.

Erectile Dysfunction

Erectile dysfunction is when a man is not able to achieve an erection during normal sexual activity. There are varying opinions medically as to whether masturbation and/or pornography causes E.D. However, a good amount of scientific study indicates that excessive porn use and masturbation could have a negative effect on your ability to participate in normal sexual activity. Why would this occur?

The friction of using your own hand or some other aid to achieve orgasm may condition you to that level of stimulation. It has been found that this kind of conditioning may make it less likely that you will be similarly stimulated by vaginal intercourse. Men who get into this kind of pattern may start experiencing frustrations when they are being sexual with their wives.

Think about all the commercials today that are advertising help for men with erectile dysfunction. Then think about the many men and boys that have been masturbating to pornography for years and years. Could there be a connection?

Addiction

Addiction. That can feel like a harsh word. Only drug addicts, alcoholics and people who live on the streets have addictions, right? They can’t keep a job. They are homeless. They have lost all control of their lives. Their situation is hopeless. “Certainly, my viewing porn and masturbating doesn’t fall into that category! I can quit any time I want. I’m not hurting anyone. It doesn’t even cost me much money. What I’m doing is my business and harmless.”

There are those who admit that it is a negative behavior but are reluctant to call viewing pornography and masturbation an addiction. The concern appears to be that by labeling it an addiction, individuals who struggle with this behavior may simply claim that they are unable to overcome it because it is out of their control. “I’m addicted! I can’t do anything about it! It’s completely out of my control. I’m a victim! Consequently, it is not my fault.” They may think they are held by some invisible bands of the addiction, and are, therefore, not accountable for their behavior.

Addiction Diagnosis Criteria

With behavioral addictions, the individual feels the symptoms of addiction without ingesting or injecting a substance. The person uses an action or set of actions that create calming feelings which may lead to a euphoria or orgasm. While there may be no universal diagnosis criterion for pornography and masturbation addiction¹³, for the purposes of this article, we will define an addiction as a condition in which a person engages in the use of a behavior because the rewarding effects provide a compelling incentive to repeat the behavior despite detrimental consequences. The individual involved has a strong preoccupation with the behavior and a diminished ability to control or resist it. Along with an increasing tolerance there is a sense of withdrawal when attempting to stop the behavior.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM)¹⁴ lists gambling as one such non-substance-based addiction. Let’s take a quick moment to look at the criteria for an addiction and see if you can insert the use of pornography and/or self-stimulation in the description.

The criterion for defining an addiction is that the recurring behavior is leading to an impairment, compulsive repetition, or increased distress. The diagnosis is based on the presence of at least two of several features¹⁵:

Masturbation and pornography use would fall into the category of a behavioral sexual addiction. “Sex addiction can be defined as a compulsive physiological or psychological need for a sexual experience that has become habit forming. It is the condition of being habitually or compulsively preoccupied with the pathological (unhealthy) need for a sexual event or experience. Sex becomes central to the addict’s life—more important than family, friends, hobbies, health, and work. Sexual addicts frequently deny that they have a problem, even to themselves, and frequently use compulsive sexual behavior as a means of dealing with pain. This often leads them into living a double (or secret) life, creating more shame, pain, and isolation. When someone is addicted to sex, the brain chemistry is physiologically altered. Sex addiction can be as severe as chemical dependencies to drugs such as alcohol, heroin, cocaine, LSD, and marijuana!”¹⁶ Pornography and masturbation are addictive and damage your brain. I have worked with some young men who were as young as 5-8 years old when they were first exposed. It may have started out of simple curiosity, but, in their own words, they were “immediately hooked.”

Changes in the Brain

There is scientific evidence that repetitive, or addictive, behavior changes the synapses¹⁷ of the brain. Changes in the brain are not always bad. Think of the times you wanted to learn something new: play the piano, memorize a scripture, play tennis, etc. You practice this skill until it becomes second nature to you. You arrive at a point where you can do it almost without thinking. You created a body memory as to where to place your fingers on the keyboard or how to swing a racket. Slowly, with regular repetition, this new behavior became natural to you. The synapses in your brain changed in response to your persistent practice. Also, as your talent improves you become bored with the simple tunes you played at first. They no longer satisfy your desire to play, and you want to tackle more advanced compositions of music. In sports, you want to play against better athletes. The same process holds true for negative behaviors.

For example, it is believed that behavioral addictions activate certain parts of the brain that are similar to the use of substances, such as alcohol. These parts of the brain release the neurotransmitter dopamine¹⁸, the good feelings we get when we exercise, win a competition, or accomplish a difficult goal. We feel a surge of energy and success. It is pleasurable and raises our confidence. You see this in long distance races. Even though the runner has just run many miles, the winner raises his hands in victory for another lap. The loser? He frequently collapses on the sidelines. Certain drugs, and behaviors, can activate this part of the brain to release 10+-times the normal amount of dopamine. They hijack our dopamine system, giving us the high without the required effort. “An important link with porn is that dopamine is also released in sexual excitement, increasing the sex drive in both sexes, facilitating orgasm, and activating the brain’s pleasure centers. Hence the addictive power of pornography.”¹⁹ The problem arises when over time, the brain tires, and releases less and less dopamine, requiring the user to continually increase the amount of viewing, or types of scenarios, to create the same initial effect.

Because addiction affects the brain’s decision-making functions, individuals who develop an addiction may lose their perspective on how their behavior is causing problems for themselves and others. The longer the individual indulges in the behavior, the less concerned they are about any negative effects the behavior may have on others. They may become consumed with seeking personal pleasure until it governs their activities.

Sometimes adverse behaviors, such as gambling or porn viewing, have an increased likelihood of being accompanied by other pre-existing problems, including, but not limited to, depression and anxiety. Ofttimes the depression and anxiety are a result of porn use and self-stimulation. The failure to stop often induces a sense of hopelessness and feelings of failure, exacerbating the initial feelings of depression and anxiety. This leads to shame and guilt. “I told you I couldn’t quit! I’m worthless!” It is a negative merry-go-round that can be difficult to get off.

Diagnose Your Own Relationship with Porn

Perhaps you are reading this article because a loved one or priesthood leader has given it to you. You may not feel that your behavior or your viewing pornography is a problem. Maybe you do not see what the “big deal” is all about. But perhaps you can admit that your desire to continue has brought problems into your life, your relationship with your spouse, or even with Church leaders.

Have you ever tried to evaluate how viewing porn and masturbating serve you? It may seem to momentarily calm the anxiety you might be feeling and move stressful feelings aside. It might bring relief from an immediate angst. This leads to feeling that you need this behavior to soothe and comfort yourself. Is that reality or part of the fantasy?

Ask yourself the following questions about your relationship with pornography and masturbation. They may help you create your own diagnosis by frankly evaluating the amount of time that is consumed by your sexual activity that interferes with other obligations at work, home, school, friends, spouse, etc. If you answer honestly, you may discover important insights into yourself.

We think of medication as something we take when we are sick. It will help us get well, to feel better so that we can return to our normal responsibilities. When our “sickness” is more psychological that physical, we often turn to behaviors to relieve our sense of stress. Healthy stress relievers might include a variety of activities, such as, exercise, reading a good book, or being with friends and family. The stressor may not go away but we feel refreshed, reenergized to face our problems. Our “medication” is wholesome activity that not only relieves the sense of stress but strengthens our positive sense of self and our relationships with others.

Viewing porn and masturbating became your “medication” of choice, an escape mechanism from whatever negative reality you are facing. It is a way to avoid uncomfortable situations or feelings. It provides a release of emotion without having to face a disturbing situation directly. Over years of use, it may have developed into a way to manage unwanted stress or other negative feelings. And it always worked in the moment. It always felt good. But the aftereffects are not always positive. There is no strengthening of relationships or a positive sense of self. Thus, creating more angst. The only relief then becomes to repeat the negative behavior, to escape, over and over. This is a typical cycle of addiction, regardless of the “medication” chosen.

Addictive behavior pushes the “pain,” the reality of life and its challenges aside. These realities do not go away. They are simply not dealt with and therefore, are waiting for you on the other side. Addictive behavior is simply a mask over real life. It never solves anything. It often complicates and worsens the core problems.

As we have discussed, addictions lead to changes in the synapses of the brain’s highest functions, centered in the prefrontal cortex. Masturbation powerfully involves brain pathways which trigger dopamine, increasing the sense of reward and reinforcement. This creates the feeling of “I just can’t help myself. I’ve tried everything, and I just can’t stop!” There is often a feeling of helplessness.

One young man reported that he started when he was about 7 years old, just out of curiosity. He was immediately hooked. He never told anyone. He said he became an expert liar. He always told himself he could quit any time. He thought for sure he would quit while on his mission. “I thought I could break through it. But I knew even before I came on the mission, I couldn’t break free. I thought the mission could break me free from all these things in my life, but I struggle every day.”

Too many of our young people are wasting their missions, wasting their lives, when they could be experiencing so much more. The Holy Ghost will not abide with them when they are unclean. One man who has struggled to break this addiction for years said he has always felt mediocre, like he was never good enough. His biggest fear was that people would see him as he sees himself, as he “really is.”

The struggle to change that cycle is real. It is unique to each person. It cannot/should not be minimized by anyone else. Only our Savior, Jesus Christ, can truly know an individual’s struggle. Our goal needs to be to see ourselves as God sees us, as we really are. He sees us with all our flaws and weaknesses coupled with our potential. He sees us as exalted beings with infinite possibilities. We must come to see ourselves as He sees us. The challenges of life may be difficult, but we can accomplish anything one step at a time.

Building a Tolerance

When you were a child and your family went to an amusement park, let’s say it was Disneyland, the first ride you loved was “It’s a Small World.” It’s a safe little boat ride through various scenes of worldwide dolls dancing to the same tune, again and again in different languages. Cute, especially for children, and you loved it. The next time you visit the park, you are no longer interested in that simple ride. Now you want to go on the spinning teacups. The next time you go you want Big Thunder Mountain. Then it’s time for Space Mountain and the Incredible Coaster. With each trip, you find your tastes and interests are different. What satisfied you before no longer holds any interest.

You have developed a tolerance for simple roller coaster rides. To get the thrill you felt the first time, you need to go on bigger and scarier rides. Otherwise, the rides seem boring to you.

Building a tolerance also happens with negative behaviors and sometimes it leads to addiction. Drug users may start with beer and then marijuana brownies. Then they move to smoking it. They “go to parties where they are offered ecstasy, cocaine, or crystal meth. These are very ‘social’ drugs. When you put these stimulants in your body everything intensifies. Your sense of touch intensifies. Orgasms intensify. Your physical senses are more intense and are on high alert. At first, it makes you very social. Drugs, porn, and masturbation go hand-in-hand. At first, you feel a tremendous high. You’re floating and feel like you can do anything! But the longer the drug is in you, the more you feel like you can’t control what you even say. You begin to lose sleep. You develop a sense of paranoia. You withdraw from others. You begin to lose the Light of Christ with you. It’s a very slippery slope.”²⁰

Pornography use progresses in a similar manner. Because we are sexual beings, there is a natural curiosity about our sexuality, to see nudity. Part of the thrill of pornography viewing is doing and seeing something we are “not supposed” to see. Another part of the “hook” is the thrill of doing something that is secretive and done in isolation. He is just “sneaking a peek.” The curiosity may have begun when the person was very young. Or she may have initially been exposed against her will through molestation by another person. Non-violent molestation can stimulate physical response that made it easier for her to seek it out later on her own. Or he may have been exposed to nudity innocently by seeing movie scenes his parents were watching at home. Perhaps his older brother showed him their dad’s Playboy magazine hidden under the bed or behind a trunk in the attic. Maybe the pre-teen had sexual questions his parents were reluctant, or did not know how, to answer and went searching on the internet.

Images that, at first, shocked and even repulsed the viewer, now hold some attraction. Because of his new tolerance the user seeks out scenes that are more explicit, more violent, pushing into areas that had previously seemed too hardcore. “I’m curious. I’ll just take a peek.” In the same way they were initially curious about the nudity, there is a new compulsion to seek out more bizarre, gonzo-type sites with violence. When that becomes mundane, they then might “just take a peek” at child porn. Each plateau becomes the “new normal.” The timing and progression will be different for everyone depending on their circumstances. First, we abhor, then we tolerate, then we embrace.

When coupling porn viewing with masturbation, the experience gets more intense. The compulsion tells them there is always a bigger orgasm just waiting at the next porn site. The user is free to surf the internet until they find just the combination of scenarios that fit the current appetite.

Sites that truly disgusted them previously now hold a new fascination. They may even tell themselves they hate the more hardcore images, or feel dirtied by them, only to return again and again. Many men have expressed their own shock at how quickly their viewing “preferences” turned to more violent and bizarre images—images that previously had repulsed them. It is truly the proverbial slippery slope.

Viewing porn can change attitudes and behaviors in personal relationships. Neil Malamuth, a well-known psychologist studying the effects of porn, reviewed a broad range of studies and concluded that “experimental research shows that exposure to non-violent or violent pornography results in increases in both attitudes supporting sexual aggression and in actual aggression.”²¹

Gonzo porn can also become boring after too many views. That is when they move to more violent scenes of open torture. When this becomes mundane, there is always child pornography. Since this is illegal, it simply adds to the excitement creating an even greater erotic thrill. There is hot debate about the connection between porn viewing and molesting a child or committing rape. Certainly, not everyone who views porn, even violent porn, will eventually rape another person. However, studies do suggest that there is a link between violence against women and porn use. “The average length of time between downloading the first child porn and sexually assaulting a child was one year.”²² This statistic is astonishing.

“When pornographers boast that they are pushing the envelope by introducing new, harder themes, what they don’t say is that they must, because their customers are building up a tolerance to the content. …Today young men who surf porn are tremendously fearful of impotence, or ‘erectile dysfunction’ as it is euphemistically called. The misleading term implies that these men have a problem in their penises, but the problem is in their heads, in their sexual brain maps.”²³ As a person increases their viewing time and couples it with masturbation, they reinforce the power of the dopamine released in the brain. This deepens the brain pathways, eventually requiring more to receive that which was once enough.

The tolerance effect can also mean that the sexual fantasy involved in masturbating will need to become more exciting, more provocative, and/or more dangerous. The viewer may find that their sexual fantasies become more elaborate involving new types of sexual activity or a constantly changing supply of imaginary sexual partners.

The point is this: initial porn viewing can satisfy only for a time. Tolerance leads to desensitization which leads to boredom. Boredom leads to needing more hardcore images. More extreme porn leads to more extreme scenarios.

Insatiable Desire

Insatiable—the very definition of addiction. The porn user can never be satisfied. He is left feeling a void that can never be filled because there is no lasting relationship with what he is doing.

Satan wants you to believe that you cannot wait to be sexually satisfied. You must scratch this itch right now. Immediate gratification is a powerful drug, but it is never lastingly satisfying. It always leaves a hole that begs for more but can never be filled.

Elder Dallin H. Oaks has taught “Pornography is also addictive. It impairs decision-making capacities and it ‘hooks’ its users, drawing them back obsessively for more and more. A man who had been addicted to pornography and to hard drugs wrote me this comparison: ‘In my eyes cocaine doesn’t hold a candle to this. I have done both. …Quitting even the hardest drugs was nothing compared to [trying to quit pornography]’ (letter of March 20, 2005).”²⁴

Regarding child pornography, according to the New York Times as reported by Michael Cook, “in 1998, sexual abuse imagery was ‘reported’ more than 3,000 times. Ten years later, that number had risen to 100,000. In 2014, it was 1 million. …2018, it was 18.4 million. The figures are a bit elastic, of course. It’s not clear what a ‘report’ is and much of the increase is simply due to scanning by technology platforms like Facebook and Google. But the trend is crystal clear. The use of child pornography is going up and up and up. As reported by the Times, demand seems to be insatiable.”²⁵

Isolated Agony

One reason people turn to porn is for the imaginary connection, but the opposite is true. Dr. Donald Hilton explains it well: “One of the most insidious effects of a pornography addiction is isolation. Isolation is the prerequisite of acting out in an addiction. The person must isolate physically. He must find a place where he can be alone, where no one will disturb him as he shuts out the world so he can act out. He must then isolate socially. He must disconnect from others so he can be alone. As he prepares to act, he disconnects from other humans so he can be truly alone. Emotional isolation is essential. If he thinks about those he loves and what his acting would do to them, he would be less inclined to act out. This is where the anesthesia of changing dopamine, endorphin, adrenaline, and serotonin levels may motivate and help numb the pain and ease those in addiction into the fog, as the world and everything he cares about recedes from his view. Once in the fog, firmly isolated, he can then descend into the world of acting out, view pornography, and masturbate. Here, in this world, he is truly alone. He is in a circular room of mirrors, where everywhere he turns, he sees only the obsession in his own eyes. This has been magnified by the Internet, where whatever the brain can desire is realized with a click. The monitor screen becomes a mirror of compulsion and draws the mind and soul of the addicted person in. It provides whatever fantasy he wants as fast as he can type the key words in, further reinforcing the neurochemical rut in which he finds himself entrenched.”²⁶

Porn viewing and masturbation is the “relationship” that is most intoxicating. Your addiction drives you to want to be able to do it more often and you need to find more and more time alone. This may be problematic as it interferes with social interactions and commitments. This conflict may make you more irritable and lead to depression, which can lead to decreased productivity, which may lead to job loss and negative financial consequences. For youth, the same path may lead to social isolation, which leads to depression, which can lead to decreased ability to do well in school or sports, which can lead to lower grades and, ultimately, fewer opportunities.

You become good at keeping your porn mistress a secret. Not wanting people to know, you do it in secret, in the dark, alone.

Porn Becomes Your Preferred Sexual Partner

With image after image of explicit pornography, your expectations of sex evolve. As you fantasize and masturbate to these images you get lost in a swirling world of self-centered gratification. It is all about your immediate physical need with no thought of intimate love and sharing. Pornography promotes the idea that the highest sexual satisfaction is attainable without having a partner, let alone affection for another person. That is what gets embedded into your brain—you do not need a real, loving companion. Another person requires your consideration and effort to satisfy their needs and desires. It reinforces the perception that sex is merely a commodity to be distributed. The humans involved are merely objects needed to perform the act.

The selfishness, egocentricity of porn use and masturbation cannot be overstated. It violates every standard that God set for the use of our sexual feelings and behavior. “…Porn… offers men [and women] a no-strings-attached, intense, disconnected sexual experience, where men always get to have as much sex as they want in ways that shore up their masculinity. The sex acts are always successful, ending in supposed orgasm for both, and he is protected from rejection or ridicule since in porn, women never say no to men’s sexual demands… In this world, men dispense with romantic dinners, vanilla sex, and postcoital affection and get down to the business… In porn, sex is the vehicle by which men are rendered all powerful and women all powerless; and for a short time, a man gets to see what life would look like if only women unquestionably consented to men’s sexual demands.”²⁷

Studies show, and reports from porn users admit, that there is “increasing difficulty in being turned on by the actual sexual partners, spouses, or girlfriends, though they still considered them objectively attractive… Initially [porn use] helped them get more excited during sex but over time had the opposite effect. Now, instead of using their senses to enjoy being in bed, in the present, with their partners, lovemaking increasingly required them to fantasize that they were part of a porn script.”²⁸

This should leave no surprise then as you compare your real-life relationship, one you used to really care about, to your fantasy porn and find that real life just does not measure up. It seems so vanilla and plain. Your partner is less attractive and less interesting. No real experience can compete with the images of porn. Self-indulgent illusion always outshines reality. How is any mutually respectful marriage relationship supposed to stand up to that fantasy?

Withdrawal

“A word about withdrawal. As craving sets in because of the dopamine dearth and the spiritual onslaught, physical signs of brain drug withdrawal can ensue. Headache, restlessness, anxiety, irritability, and other physical signs may occur as the brain tries to withdraw from the addicted state, and the stress can cause relapse. Breaking through to three months is a milestone, but continued vigilance cannot be overemphasized. Six months and one year are progressive anniversaries of sobriety, with two or more years moving into long term sobriety.”²⁹

Dr. Patrick Carnes lists some symptoms addicts readily identify as characteristics of the early weeks of recovery.³⁰

This Addiction is Real

Addictiveness to porn is not a metaphor. It is as real and powerful as any drug or alcohol. “All addiction involved long-term, sometimes lifelong, neuroplastic change in the brain. For addicts, moderation is impossible, and they must avoid the substance or activity completely if they are to avoid addictive behaviors.”³¹Breaking the addiction can be difficult, but there is no middle ground, no partial change possible. You must choose to avoid the behaviors completely.

Never forget that you are stronger than this behavior. There is nothing you cannot accomplish when you call upon the powers of heaven to help. Satan wants to make you his forever, but he only has the power that you give him. Take that power for yourself, couple it with the power of the atonement of Jesus Christ and become the person you are meant to be.

At one point in my mission as an Area Mental Health Advisor, I was working with 26 missions. One mission president admitted that a significant number of his elders had a problem with masturbation. This has to change.

Grooming Society

Long before Alexandros of Antioch carved the beautiful Venus de Milo in 150 B.C.E., Satan has been creeping into every aspect of society, grooming people to accept pornography as a part of everyday life. “While past generations of men who used porn had limited access to the material, this generation has unlimited access to gonzo porn. Nowadays the average age for first viewing porn is just eleven years. This means that, unlike before, porn is actually being encoded into a boy’s sexual identity so that an authentic sexuality—one that develops organically out of life experiences, one’s peer group, personality traits, family and community affiliations—is replaced by a generic porn sexuality limited in creativity and lacking any sense of love, respect, or connection to another human being.”³² How is this happening?

As the marketplace becomes saturated with images, the audience becomes bored and desensitized. The producers know they must continually increase the sensationalism to keep their audience coming back.

Regular TV program producers quickly began to get on board with porn. Reality shows push the “edge of decency” with shows that have a man dating several women at once, or where contestants wear underwear around the beach. Daytime programming has long been a source for provocative scenes between men and women. Female judges on otherwise wholesome talent shows wear suggestive clothing. A popular talk show host has carried pro-porn articles in her magazine, encouraging women to use porn as a sex aid. Cable TV is rampant with programming that promotes sex and pornography. Movies throw in a gratuitous scene of a sex bar or prostitutes soliciting from the corner, scenes that have nothing to do with the plot of the movie. Often entertainment will try to sanitize porn by showing it as simply being fun, maybe a little edgy, but certainly chic and sophisticated. Celebrities do not try to be beautiful. They want to be sexy and hot.

Many music videos are another good example of how soft-porn is seeping into our mainstream culture. Their target audience is teenagers, particularly the adolescent male consumer. Music videos often show barely clothed young women puckering up to the camera, provocatively running their hands down their bodies, rolling on the floor, looking much like a porn star but these images are not classified as pornography and, therefore, are available to anyone, any age, at any time in the comfort of your own home.

These programs and others make the claim that women are empowered by doing porn. They are simply claiming their own sexuality. The truth is that the porn/entertainment industry produces images that debase and dehumanize both men and women. Porn teaches men and women that women exist to be gawked at, used, and trivialized with no respect for relationship or even reactions toward or from her.

Male Sexual Socialization

How does our society, the world at large, socialize boys and help them develop their definition of masculinity? Too often boys are basically taught not to connect with others on an emotional level. Example: A little boy falls and scrapes his knees. While mother may come running with a kiss and a Band-Aid trying to make it all better, dad is telling him to brush it off. “Cowboy up!” “Be a man!” “Don’t sit there and cry like a little girl!” The little boy is sent the clear message by his male role model that it is not manly to express feelings, especially crying. Expressing tender, loving feelings is seen as a weakness. This makes communicating with others, particularly intimately with a spouse, more difficult. She may be begging for more open sharing, and he closes down. This not only impedes deeper communication, but it can also foster misunderstanding and hurt feelings for both partners.

If men, typically, do not share feelings, how do they relate to others? If two men are carrying on a typical conversation it revolves around sports, politics, or maybe Church policies. If they are close, they might talk about house projects or personal hobbies. But rarely are they comfortable in sharing how they feel about their personal life, their relationships, or spiritual feelings.

Although men have every feeling that women have, they have not been taught how to express their tender feelings in a way that allows them to keep their sense of masculinity intact. As a result, they often close off when expressions of emotion would not only be acceptable, but desirable. How frustrating must that be to not be allowed to be true to yourself and what you are feeling? Does this contribute to male acting out and violence? Perhaps this is only one key to understanding why men are so drawn to things that blow up, are aggressive, or sexual. Feelings—emotions—can only be expressed in loud, forceful ways.

The world tells men that to be “macho” or masculine, they need to be dominant and powerful and closed to the softness of expressing emotions. Viewing pornography and self-stimulating allow men a private space to experience a full range of feelings that get translated into physical, sexual feelings. While in this isolated moment, there is no fear of judgment, failure, or rebuke. They can go inside themselves and let the full gamut of feelings run wild. They do not have to explain, or share, or justify. They can simply let loose.

The gospel teaches men to follow the model of Jesus Christ. His Divine example of manhood was compassionate, patient, and loving. He was a teacher and a healer. In the book of John,³³ we read about Jesus going to His dear friends, Mary and Martha. Their brother, Lazarus, had recently died and been placed in a tomb. Even when He knew He was going to perform a miracle and reverse this tragedy, He felt such great empathy and tenderness for their sadness, that He, too, wept. He openly expressed His love for these people. But Christ’s example is not the standard for much of the male world.

Feelings of Inadequacy

Another little talked about by-product of viewing pornography is that many men develop a sense of inadequacy in relating to a real woman. In porn, men are portrayed as all-powerful, though unfeeling, amoral beings, with only their own physical satisfaction in mind. They are entitled to use women in any manner they see fit. There is no connection, other than physical, with the women. There is undoubtedly no love or respect for their sexual partner. “Porn sex is not about making love, as the feelings and emotions we normally associate with such an act—connection, empathy, tenderness, caring, affection—are replaced by those more often connected with hate—fear, disgust, anger, loathing, and contempt. In porn the man makes hate to the woman, as each sex act is designed to deliver the maximum amount of degradation…the goal of porn sex is to illustrate how much power he has over her. It is what he wants when, where, and how he wants it, because he controls the pace, the timing, and the nature of the acts.”³⁴

God designed lovemaking to be filled with excitement, tenderness, and commitment. Mutual feelings of joy, vulnerability, devotion, and respect are part of the experience. The purpose of the sexual relationship is to help one another feel closer to each other and closer to God. There are feelings of attraction, trust, safety, and comfort in addition to being turned on.

The porn scene is devoid of intimacy or emotional connection, the very elements that make a sexual relationship exhilarating and meaningful. Because porn may be the only form of “sex education” some men received, they may grow up thinking that they would have the kind of sex they have been masturbating to all these years.

He may find that his real-life spouse may not cooperate. He sees that she is not screaming with pleasure at every touch. She even has boundaries and says “No” to certain things that he wants to do. If men and boys are going to porn to learn about female sexuality, they will be sorely disappointed. Porn sex only shows that women like anything the man wants. If he likes it, she will like it. He may quickly learn that his real-life sexual partner has a vastly different point of view.

One problem many men experience from viewing porn is that they need to picture the porn images to have any kind of orgasm with their wife. Imagine how your spouse would feel if during your most intimate moments together she knew you were not thinking of her at all. Too often, when it is all over with the wife, the first thing he wants to do is get up and watch porn. Porn has become the preferred intimate partner.

In porn, both women and men are depicted in a skewed manner. In the real relationship, not only is the wife not performing like a porn star, but the men find they are unable to perform like the male porn actors. They begin to feel like a sexual loser. They may feel that they do not measure up. They are not good-looking enough, or muscular enough. Some men become fixated on body building. Look at the men in the gym. They are working hard to build massive muscles and toned physiques as seen in porn movies. There seems to be a sexual performance crisis among men these days if you were to go by all the commercials for erectile dysfunction. Could it be that men are finding that after years of viewing porn, they simply are not able to find joy in their personal, real life relationships?

Sometimes a well-intentioned Church leader may tell a young man that once they get married, they will no longer need, or even want, porn and masturbation because they will have a wife who would fulfill their sexual needs. “In the Church, many young men fill honorable missions during which they uphold high standards of chastity. At an age when hormonal drives are fully matured, these exemplary young men return to a world saturated with sex. Many who completely avoided this temptation during their missions slip after returning. This has created a much greater problem than most people realize, say bishops.”³⁵

The Women in Pornography

Porn has nothing to do with empowering women. The entire industry is all about showing that “the job of a woman is to arouse the man, keep him aroused, and bring him to orgasm. Female sexual pleasure is nothing more than a reflection of what the man wants, as she is there to please him.”³⁶ Pornography depicts women as always being ready for sex. She is anxious and happy to do anything the man demands of her, irrespective of how humiliating, or painful, or even self-harming it may be. She never says the word “No.” She is shown as being willing to perform any act, no matter how bizarre and degrading, that the man [or men] may demand. She is even shown as having great enjoyment to simply mirror whatever the man wants. Her enjoyment comes only from satisfying her man. She is never concerned about pregnancy, or sexually transmitted diseases. She is never emotionally hurt by the vile names she is called nor physically hurt by the treatment she receives. Indeed, these are one-dimensional fantasy women who have no concerns about the real world of families, jobs, rent payments, or childcare.

When men who view porn are asked if they would like to see their wife or daughter or sister perform in a porn movie, they will often proclaim that their women would never choose to live such a lifestyle. They tend to believe that all women who perform for porn have wanted to do this all their lives. It is their calling somehow. Because the actress is begging for more, the viewer buys into the fantasy that she is a “special breed” of woman who enjoys mistreatment. She is not a real person with feelings and emotions.

Viewing pornography takes away all the positive sexual feelings we have been given from God. God designed these feelings to lift us as a family unit to Him. Porn trivializes those feelings. By dehumanizing the women, viewers can legitimize the abuse and cruelty.

Female Sexual Socialization

There are often just two categories for girls: the Good Girls and the Bad Girls. Good Girls save themselves for marriage. Bad Girls do not. All girls are taught about menstruation, but few are taught about healthy sexual feelings and relationships. Parents have a hard time talking to their children about sexual feelings. It is so very personal that it is awkward to talk about. Most couples do not even talk to each other about their own relationship which may leave them feeling completely at odds on how to teach their children. Many parents are against sex education in the schools which may leave girls and boys on their own to learn how to relate to one another.

It is important that women be validated in their own sexual desires and pleasures. These feelings are God-given, God-ordained. They are good and to be celebrated. Children need to be taught that sexual feelings are good. They are sacred, but there is no shame in feeling them. They are to be safeguarded for the time when permission can be granted to feel them in all their glorious wonder with a committed, eternal spouse.

However, sometimes the Good Girls feel a shame response to their first sexual arousal, even on the honeymoon. They have been taught all their lives that you stay away from sexual feelings. “Good girls don’t feel that way. It only leads to trouble. Only ‘bad’ girls allow that to happen.”

In marriage, too often female sexuality is “legitimized” by her husband. If he has an orgasm, then she has done her part. Her personal enjoyment is second to his. Sexual intercourse is sometimes not as pleasurable for many women as it is for most men. Women often feel that sex is for men. Her role is to satisfy him, to serve his needs. Too often, when he is finished, they are finished. It sounds a bit like porn sex…but with love.

But the female capacity for sexual pleasure is actually greater than the male. Often, as couples mature in their marriage relationship, they can learn that their sexual experience is enhanced once it is learned that it is “our” experience, not simply his or hers.

Surgery and Style

Another little talked about result of our porn saturated culture is the growing demand by women and men for plastic surgery. “New data from the American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery (ASAPS) shows that many modern cosmetic surgical procedures are on the rise, and that surgical procedures account for 77% of all surveyed physicians’ business.”³⁷ These procedures include: breast enlargement, breast lift, liposuction, face lifts, eye lifts, tummy tucks, and butt augmentation. They also do botulinum toxin, chemical peels, and hair removal. It must be noted that men are getting much the same treatments. It is more than the ever-present desire to look younger. These procedures focus on the look of sexual prowess and virility.

“Women are bombarded constantly with what the perfect woman should look like. These social pressures are undoubtedly behind the implants that over 300,000 women a year get, and media pressures are surely a dominant factor. Mainstream women’s magazines and most television shows foment the myth and socialize women to try to become ‘what he wants,’ to paraphrase the common title we all see at the grocery store check-out displays. Pornography is ‘this big elephant in the middle of the room and no one talks about it.’ It is undoubtedly a growing force in driving the ‘nip and tuck’ generation forward.”³⁸

Women, Ladies, Girls,Sisters—woman to woman, we need to have an honest talk about how the porn industry has influenced us on so many levels. You may ask, How can I be influenced by something I have never viewed? But you have—in small, consistent doses without your even noticing…too much. Look at the fashion of today.

Once, when my husband was serving as a Young Adult Ward Bishop, my visiting teaching companion and I were out visiting a member of the Relief Society Presidency. The girls started talking about the next Relief Society activity. I did not know anything about it and so started asking questions. At first, they were a little shy about discussing it, but I pressed them for more information. They then told me that my companion was going to teach the girls how to pole dance. She was an exercise instructor and had received this “training.” The purpose of the activity was to help the girls feel better about their bodies. I have to admit, I was speechless—which doesn’t happen to me often. When I got home, I informed the Bishop of this activity and told him he was going to have to say something to the Relief Society President. “Oh, no,” he said. “You learned about this. You have to do something!” It just so happened that I had another appointment with my companion the next day. Before we went in for the visit, I asked her to get in my car. I needed to talk with her. She immediately sighed, “I knew you were going to say something.” I asked her if she really thought that pole dancing, which is designed for strippers to act like they are having sex with someone, was really something she thought would improve a woman’s self-image. We are divine daughters of God with an eternal role and mission. How would this type of dancing enhance that image in our minds? She admitted that she had not looked at it that way and was now ready to change the activity. This sweet sister had no intention of doing anything wrong. She simply had momentarily lost sight of who she is and how she could influence her sisters for good. It is another example of how the porn culture is seeping into our lives.

Now, do not get me wrong. I am the last person to say women should not wear make-up or have their hair and nails done. I am just giving a shout out to be on your guard. You are spending your hard-earned cash for styles that promote a look that may not be conducive to your eternal role as a daughter of God. What is going on in the world has little to do with the beauty of the female body. We need to show respect and honor, knowing and being true to who we are.

Codependency Between the Porn Viewer and Spouse

What is codependency? It describes a relationship in which one person is physically or psychologically addicted, such as with alcohol or pornography, and the other person is psychologically dependent on the first in an unhealthy way.

Dr. Patrick Carnes defines nine processes common in codependent behavior⁴²:

1. Collusion. The co-dependent covers up for the addict by keeping the secret. They may even lie to cover up the addict’s behavior. Or they may become “hyper” sexual to join with the addict.

2. Obsessive preoccupation. They play detective by checking computer history and financial records. They may begin to forget their personal responsibilities and avoid their own feelings.

3. Denial. They ignore reality by becoming extra busy and overextended. Many feel they could eventually change the addict.

4. Emotional turmoil. They experience free-floating shame and anxiety. They always have a crisis or major problem making them feel out of control.

5. Manipulation. The co-dependent will try to control their partner’s acting out. Sometimes they use sex or make threats to leave. They see themselves as martyrs, heroes, or victim.

6. Taking excessive responsibility. Many will blame themselves for the problem. Or believe that if they change, the addict will change.

7. Compromise or loss of self. Many feel a need to give up their own life goals, hobbies, and interests in favor of doing things against their own morals, values, and beliefs. They may change their dress or appearance or accept the addict’s sexual norms as their own.

8. Blame and punishment. Some become progressively more self-righteous and punitive. Some have affairs to punish the addict. Some even have homicidal thoughts and feelings.

9. Sexual reactivity. A common reaction is to close down sexually, numbing their own sexual needs and wants.

As co-dependency grows, it is not uncommon for the spouse to start behaviors that only add to the stress of the relationship. She may become obsessive in monitoring his behaviors. She may check on where he is at all times. She might start verifying all financial transactions. She may withdraw sexually. Depression often occurs. She might be disorganized in her own responsibilities. Sometimes she will try to join him in his viewing and acting out, even though it repulses her. She may act out in her own way: spending lots of money, overeating, taking her frustrations out on the children, or hitting the dog.

“The unique personal bond of sexuality has been betrayed with a virtual mistress. Many wives want to leave immediately, particularly when they discover the pornography, but most stay in the marriage. Many limp along, with the wife developing codependent behaviors as she tries to change her husband’s behavior. For example, she may become a detective and constantly try to catch him in his acting out. She may change her own standards and perform sexually in a way that may be distasteful to her in an attempt to keep him from acting out with pornography. She believes that her happiness and peace of mind are dependent upon her husband’s recovery.”⁴³

In Essay Three—Repentance and Recovery—you will learn about the 12-step recovery program for addicts. There are also programs for the spouse. The revelation that her spouse has been using porn is traumatic for most women. This trauma needs time and help to heal.

The majority of women who learn of their husbands’ use of pornography feel a great sense of betrayal that he was cheating on their marital vows with other women even though those women were images on a screen or pictures in a magazine. The most intimate part of their private relationship that is designed to build and strengthen them together has been shared with countless, nameless fantasy women. Looking at them he felt physical sexual arousal that was designed for her alone and stimulated himself to orgasm. How is this not akin to adultery?

The Spouse—How You Can Become Your Own Best Friend

As you begin to calm from your first reaction when you learned of your spouse’s porn use, it is important for you to know and remember that he was involved with this long before he knew you. It is not your fault that he uses. It is not your responsibility to fix him. It is also not your role to become his own personal “porn star.” As he becomes more aware of what he is feeling and thinking around his porn use, he may be better able to discuss it with you.

Remember that you fell in love with and married your spouse because of all the good things you saw in him. Those good things are still there. You may have felt shocked, hurt, even betrayed when you learned of the porn. Your job now is to find compassion for the healing process—both his and your own.

One way women can find strength is to learn how to become their own best friend. The things we say to ourselves we would never say to someone we love. Our constant need for reassurance and support can be draining for those around us, especially the men in our lives who are not good at communicating emotions and feelings. Work to see yourself as your Father in Heaven sees you—full of eternal potential.

There is something about being a female that makes us our own worst critic. Sometimes I wonder if it is because of the counsel given to Eve when she and Adam were cast out of the garden. “…and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.”⁴⁴ Girls and women are always looking for the male’s approval, for his love, for his mere gaze. We shop for clothes that will attract his attention. We unkindly scrutinize ourselves piece by piece, but somehow, we never measure up to the girl next door. We are too tall, too short. Our hair is too straight, too curly. Our breasts are too small, too big. Our backside is too round, too flat. It affects how we eat, how we exercise. We feel guilty for everything. We always come away wanting, feeling sad, even disgusted about how we look. Stand in the grocery store checkout line and count the number of magazines with beautiful, seemingly flawless women on the covers. How can anyone measure up? We are never good enough the way we are today. This is not how our Heavenly Parents want us to feel about ourselves.

Everyone struggles with something. It is part of our mortal experience. We are placed in families to help one another overcome our weaknesses. We are counseled to be slow in passing judgment on another. How that looks for you is your own personal journey toward becoming like our Savior. Once the pornography is discovered, some partners have chosen to stay in the marriage and help their spouse through their recovery/repentance process. Others have felt the need to leave the marriage due to complicating factors. Only you can receive the revelation to know what is right for you. Seek the counsel of your priesthood leaders, good professional counselors, and family members. But mostly, seek guidance from your Father in Heaven who knows and loves you both.

The Human Soul has Divine Potential for Joy

The human soul was created with the desire to seek companionship.
Neurochemicals in the brain are released in response to physical intimacy. The body is designed—physically, spiritually, and emotionally—to bond to another human being when these neurochemicals are released. When you are alone staring at pornographic images on a computer screen the brain kicks into gear and bonds you to those images. But that is not divine companionship. Pornography is not about companionship or even sexual relationships—love and romance, marriage, and family. It is about body parts with no soul, humanity, or beauty.

The human brain is designed to do so many marvelous things. Everything we do, anything we need to survive and to be happy, goes through the brain first. Every action begins with a thought. The brain is the master computer for all human behavior. Control it and you can control the world. During critical stages of development in childhood, the brain’s frontal lobe is programmed to develop common sense, judgment, and emotion. This area of the brain is not mature until approximately 21-24 years of age. Exposure to healthy sexual norms and attitudes during this developmental period can result in a healthy sexual perspective. However, if there is exposure to pornography during this period, thoughts of sexual deviances may become imprinted on the child’s “hard drive” and become a permanent part of his or her sexual awareness.

Elder Dallin H. Oaks has taught: “More than 30 years ago, I urged BYU students to avoid the ‘promotional literature of illicit sexual relations’ in what they read and viewed. I gave this analogy: Pornographic or erotic stories and pictures are worse than filthy or polluted food. The body has defenses to rid itself of unwholesome food. With a few fatal exceptions, bad food will only make you sick but do no permanent harm. In contrast, a person who feasts upon filthy stories or pornographic or erotic pictures and literature records them in this marvelous retrieval system we call a brain. The brain won’t vomit back filth. Once recorded, it will always remain subject to recall, flashing its perverted images across your mind and drawing you away from the wholesome things in life.” [Challenges for the Year Ahead, 1974, 4-5; reprinted in “Things They’re Saying,” New Era, Feb. 1974, 18.]

“Here, brethren, I must tell you that our bishops and our professional counselors are seeing an increasing number of men involved with pornography, and many of those are active members. Some involved in pornography apparently minimize its seriousness and continue to exercise the priesthood of God because they think no one will know of their involvement. But the user knows, brethren, and so does the Lord.”⁴⁵

Every time you “mess up,” Satan laughs. He knows of your desire to be clean. He finds happiness, if that is even the correct word, in your struggles to resist temptations. He seeks to keep you away from feeling the Spirit of the Lord guide you. He wants you to believe that it is too late for you to repent. You can never return to the Savior. His goal is to keep you disheartened and securely wrapped in the bond of selfishness, to keep you desiring momentary physical pleasure while denying yourself divine spiritual joy.

Elder Richard G. Scott added his perspective by saying that “Satan has become a master at using the addictive power of pornography to limit individual capacity to be led by the Spirit. The onslaught of pornography in all of its vicious, corroding, destructive forms has caused great grief, suffering, heartache, and destroyed marriages. It is one of the most damning influences on earth. Whether it be through the printed page, movies, television, obscene lyrics, vulgarities on the telephone, or flickering personal computer screen, pornography is overpoweringly addictive and severely damaging. This potent tool of Lucifer degrades the mind and the heart and the soul of any who use it. All who are caught in its seductive, tantalizing web and remain so will become addicted to its immoral, destructive influence. For many, that addiction cannot be overcome without help. The tragic pattern is so familiar. It begins with curiosity that is fueled by its stimulation and is justified by the false premise that when done privately, it does no harm to anyone else. For those lulled by this lie, the experimentation goes deeper, with more powerful stimulations, until the trap closes, and a terribly immoral, addictive habit exercises its vicious control.

“Participation in pornography in any of its lurid forms is a manifestation of unbridled selfishness. How can a man, particularly a priesthood bearer, not think of the emotional and spiritual damage caused to women, especially his wife, by such abhorrent activity?”⁴⁶

We must become stronger in resisting Satan’s pull into the quagmire of pornography. There is no greater joy than knowing you are living the life your Father in Heaven would have you live. There is nothing sweeter than knowing you are honoring your vows to your sweetheart and your children. God wants to make you His because He loves you. He loves you so very much that He sent His Only Begotten Son to live and show you the way back Home. Father allowed this Son to die for you, to take away your sins, that you may be clean again. All you must do is to accept this gift of Infinite Grace and submit your will to His.