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Introduction

LOVE AND EXALTATION

A series of five essays
Resource guide to recovery and repentance from pornography and self-stimulation
Special sections:
Especially for Parents and Teens
By Nancy Sarager Jackson, M.S.
love and exaltation

A General Introduction to the Five Essays

By Nancy Sarager Jackson, M.S.

This series of essays was not a topic about which I was anxious or excited to write. You might say I was anxious not to write about it. Not only did I not want to spend my retirement time writing and thinking about it, but how do you casually tell people you are writing about pornography addiction and masturbation? It is not easy dinner conversation. But it would not let me sleep.

During my years working as a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor, while working for LDS Social Services (now Family Services), and while serving a mission as an Area Mental Health Advisor, I have counseled with hundreds of missionaries. Often, these twin addictions were a part of their past and continued to plague their ability to serve the Lord in the present.

After serving as a young adult bishop, my husband was reluctant to serve as my consultant in this writing project because he didn’t want to relive some of the stories that were shared with him during his years of service. So, I must say up front that none of the stories found within are from him. But the stories are true. They are about real people who have had their lives vexed with the poison of pornography and the damaging companion of masturbation. They want their lives to be free and clean from these behaviors.

As I shared these principles of real love with young people, too often I heard them complain that no one ever explained the doctrine of sexuality in quite this way. They were frustrated not to have been taught early in their youth, even childhood, to understand the sacredness of their bodies and their sexual feelings. It is my hope and prayer that what follows will answer questions and provide light in an otherwise darkened path.

There are many in today’s world of political correctness and social acceptance that may find exception to some of the facts that will be presented. That is their prerogative. But I cannot simply sit back and let false teachings be presented as truth. I am but one voice. I do not claim to have all the answers. I do not claim to be the leading expert on the issue of addiction and whether or not these two behaviors technically fall into that category. I just know that what follows is truth as closely as I could find it. I must stand as a witness to this truth.

I want to thank those who have encouraged me to forge ahead with this work. A special thank you goes to my “Collective Brilliance”1 group which includes Paula Wood, Natalie Williams, Genet Friess, Jenna Lake, and Wendy Spooner. Without their continued encouragement and good advice, I would have walked away soon after starting this journey. Thank you also to Amanda Bergeron and Connie Jackson who gave so generously of their time to help with editing. I could not have had this webpage without the assistance of Craig Mecham and his expertise. Though I have quoted scriptures and many leaders of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, any content, opinions, mistakes, or conclusions expressed are mine alone.

Comments From Readers

I have truly been blessed by reading your work. It has not only increased my personal awareness of the destructive power of pornography, but it has also increased my understanding of the gift of repentance, change and hope. You have provided me and future readers with a sure foundation of doctrine coupled with a framework of support and ideas to help individuals not only overcome pornography but become what they were created to become as children of our Heavenly Father. Thank you, thank you for letting me read it! I am not the same person I was before reading it.
President Rich Tenney,
Stake Presidency
As a stake president I find Nancy Jackson’s comprehensive approach to these delicate and sensitive topics to be both insightful, pertinent, and useful when helping people understand and live the law of chastity. Sister Jackson establishes a doctrinal foundation for the sanctity of sexual relationships and provides a thorough explanation as to why keeping the law of chastity is vital to our eternal progression. No stone is left unturned as she explores important topics and ways in which parents and Church leaders can help youth and others reach their divine potential. She gives practical approaches and strategies for parents as well as youth to discuss and teach the importance of morality, understand and deal with the pernicious effects of pornography as well as how to overcome the habit of self-stimulation.
Sean Hinton,
Stake President
Author Nancy Jackson writes so compassionately and authoritatively that we can all have a better understanding of gospel principles and how they blend with human sexuality. It is wonderfully crafted, easy to comprehend and helps the reader explore the eternal law of chastity and the relationship it has to our exaltation as well as the joy all of us can feel in living a more pure and virtuous life. Sister Jackson takes you on an in-depth look into the role of the Atonement in controlling our carnal passions and appetites and how Christ’s love and mercy are with us every step of the way. She delves deeply into the evil addiction of pornography and masturbation and how we can overcome these weaknesses and sins through repentance and ultimate recovery. By reading this essays I was able to have a deeper understanding of all these principles and could better understand how to assist others in their personal quest to overcome addictions. This essays, while good for all to read, could especially help mothers and fathers teach correct principles to their precious little ones and young adults in their homes. It should have been written years ago! I wish I had this essays while serving as a Bishop and Mission President.
E.J. Caffaro, Mission President,
2014-2017
I found these essays to be very informative and a valuable tool for parents, Church leaders, and youth. The tidal wave of pornography and all its companions (sexting, sharing photos, etc.) is overwhelming. As an MTC president I learned to never be surprised at the number of young elders and a growing number of sisters that came to see me to confess of sins and transgressions that required some to return home to begin a very thorough process of repentance. Many others confessed to things that I was able to begin working with to hopefully keep them straight not only during the mission, but throughout the rest of their lives. Nearly every confession included problems with viewing pornography and masturbation. There were only a few who admitted to one without the other…but I always suspected that they were less than truthful. A growing number of young sister missionaries admitted to beginning with reading romantic and erotic novels. They also were enticed by boyfriends to send pictures and videos of themselves. 
Craig Hill,
MTC President 2018-2020

The Purpose of this Series of Essays

Love and Exaltation was written for the purpose of discussing the damage viewing pornography and masturbating can cause in your life. It is time for you to calculate the loss that has occurred due to your choices. Consider the following questions and evaluate the price of your answers. As more questions come to your mind, write them down.

These essays attempt to help you answer these questions and more. If you do not find answers to your questions here, search the answers out for yourself. I would appreciate hearing from you and having you share what you are learning.

The Focus

It is hoped that with a deeper understanding of these principles we will each have a greater commitment to obey God’s commandments.

The messages found in these essays are directed to the viewer of pornography. The pronouns, he/she, are used with the understanding that, at this writing, most pornography viewers are men. Their spouses are women. However, an alarming number of women have begun viewing porn. I know of women who were introduced to masturbation at a very young age and have struggled to overcome it. Please know that the counsel includes all. Please insert your own name where applicable.

Counsel to Parents

There has never been a time in all of history where evil can be accessed so easily. The earlier we arm our children the stronger they will be as they combat their own tempters. If you feel prompted to talk with your children about “bad pictures,” and the sanctity of their body, follow through and do it. Hopefully, after reading the essay for parents, you will feel motivated to start talking with and teaching your children. You will be able to take the suggestions and adapt them to fit your family dynamics. Teaching your children while they are young, giving them the proper tools to use to avoid developing these habits is so much easier than helping them try to break their addiction later in life. You may feel awkward. You may fear that you are introducing something your child is not ready for. Seek the constant influence of the Holy Ghost and He will guide you. Be not afraid. Allowing your children to see that you can talk about healthy sexual relationships will help them have the courage to talk with you when they need it most. Remember that you were held in reserve to be the parents in these latter days. You can do this!

Caution for Youth

We cannot pretend that it is all right to sin when we are young, because when we are old, we can repent. I am sure you can tell stories of people you know who had a “wild youth” but then repented, even served a valiant mission, and later became a ward leader. We do not have the luxury of thinking we can repent later in life. Now “is the time for men to prepare to meet God; yea, behold the day of this life is the day for men [and women] to perform their labors.”2 You are living in the Last Days as described in the scriptures. You have a front row seat. The Lord held you in reserve to be born when Satan is raging against the children of men. The Evil One has confused leaders of nations, leaders of churches, leaders of schools as to what is right and wrong. He has blurred doctrine to where it is unrecognizable. But you are strong enough to discern truth from lies. There is an essay just for you that openly talks about the purpose and meaning of our sexual feelings, what they are designed for, and why we must guard them with all our might.

The Goal

For those who already have pornography and self-stimulation as a part of your life, the goal of these essays is to help you understand why viewing pornography and indulging in self-stimulation is preventing you from receiving all the blessings God has in store for you. There is great joy waiting for you!

Steps are outlined to help you rid your life of this evil. Changing your harmful habits will require sincere commitment. The Lord has well-stated our plight. “And this is the condemnation, that light is come into the world, and men [love] darkness rather than light, because their deeds [are] evil.3” I repeat: “because their deeds [are] evil.” Viewing pornography and sexually stimulating oneself fall into this category. We will go into the doctrine to demonstrate how this is true. Choose, once and for all, that you will put evil porn and masturbation behind you forever. Make the personal commitment today. Right now!

Everyone will face trials, temptations, even evil in life and will have to make their choice. Will I choose evil, or will I choose the Lord’s way? How can I be sure I know the difference? Where can I find answers and peace in this world of confusion? How do I build a firm foundation of truth for my life? President Russell M. Nelson has taught us: “Our Savior and Redeemer, Jesus Christ, will perform some of His mightiest works between now and when He comes again. We will see miraculous indications that God the Father and His Son, Jesus Christ, preside over this Church in majesty and glory. But in coming days, it will not be possible to survive spiritually without the guiding, directing, comforting, and constant influence of the Holy Ghost.”4 Why will it be impossible to survive? Because as the Lord prepares for His Second Coming, Satan, too, is ramping up his armies against us. We must learn to recognize the easy and simple downward steps leading to our ultimate destruction. As Latter-day Saints, we must close our ranks against his influences. We must fortify one another in righteousness as we seek to obey every principle of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. We must teach our children and grandchildren how to recognize the Spirit of the Holy Ghost and then live by His prompting. One important way we do this is by being clean and virtuous.

Life is a journey that we are meant to share with those around us, with family members and friends, with Church members. We are meant to lift one another, share one another’s burdens, and bring one another back to our Eternal Home in heaven. I pray this work will hold some answers for you, give you new insights, and help you determine to live a more pure and virtuous life. The Lord can be with you in your journey to soberness. There is always help. There is always hope! Never Give Up!

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­One Man’s Journey

By way of introduction and with permission, I share one man’s journey with pornography use:

My addiction to pornography and masturbation started much like anyone else’s. I was young, age 11 I believe, and I was curious. My parents never really taught me about chastity or healthy sexuality. All they taught me was porn is bad, don’t touch yourself, and don’t have sex before you’re married. The thing is, I never understood why.

My life in school was always pretty lonely. I struggled to make friends. I was bullied. I hated studying because it all just seemed like work. I struggled to know how the gospel worked. My parents taught me those things, but they never really made sure I understood it. I had rather low self-esteem. I wondered, and still struggle to this day, if I’d ever amount to anything.

Regardless of what my parents said, the way I understood their teachings and their words was that school and a career were what was most important. If you didn’t do well in school and achieve the title of lawyer, doctor, dentist, or something else along those lines, you failed.

My younger brother, on the other hand, was everything I wasn’t. Athletically gifted, good looking, popular, and perfect in everyone else’s eyes. No matter how hard I tried, I always felt that there was no competing with him. Eventually I gave up trying to do well in school or sports and figured there was no point.

All these things contributed to making my adolescent years rather miserable. I never told my parents about it because I felt they never understood me. Any time I tried opening up to them, it was always met with “you’re just being dramatic”, or “if you would just try harder!”

The constant feeling of being lost, the loneliness, the hopelessness I always felt contributed in a major part to my addiction. At first it was simply curiosity, but then it became a way to numb myself from the sadness. It was a way to feel good and happy…or so I thought.

As the years went by, I was told that I needed to start preparing for a mission. It was never an option for me to serve or not—I was serving. My parents made that very apparent. I hadn’t really known the gospel for myself at that point though. So, receiving my endowment, my submitting my mission papers, that was all my parents. I felt I had no say in it. I had no opinion regarding it. I just knew that was what young LDS men did at my age.

I wish things had been different. Maybe then I would have had a motivation for serving a mission, or been able to enjoy my temple endowment day, or at least known how significant those things were. I know for a fact having a motivation to serve would have made my mission a much happier experience.

Sadly, my addiction to masturbation continued throughout my mission, and I felt utterly worthless. I felt like a hypocrite. I preached of a Redeemer and His all-powerful Atonement and love. But I didn’t feel it for me. My whole mission I lived under the impression that my worthiness was based upon me never masturbating or viewing pornography again. I felt that as long as I was addicted, I was not worthy of being a missionary or of the priesthood. I thought “if I die having never been able to stop, I won’t make it to the celestial kingdom.”

When I came home, I fell right back into my addiction. Eventually I moved to Salt Lake City to study at the LDS Business College, hoping that with a new start I’d be able to quit and finally be worthy. I was wrong. After breaking up with a girl in whom I confided my addiction, she spread that secret to all the young single adults in our ward. She began to say how horrible I was for that, and I lost most of my friendships.

Once again finding myself alone, confused, and hurt, I gave up trying to recover from my addiction. I thought, “What’s the point?” It was around this time that I met my wife, fell in love and married her. In the time leading up to our sealing, I was able to quit for a while. Things were great. It wasn’t until almost a year later that I relapsed and again began struggling with my addictive behavior.

Around January of 2020, my wife had a job assembling exercise equipment for people on Amazon. I would often accompany her and assist in lifting and assembling these large machines. Due to the expensive nature of those orders, we often traveled to the most luxurious homes I’d ever seen. Often those places would evoke in me a feeling of pensiveness. I would think of the importance of things in life and try to focus on the things that mattered most—my family, my marriage, my priesthood.

One day I turned to my wife and asked her the following question: “If I were to go my whole life battling my addiction and died without having gone 10, 20, 30, or even 50+ years without ever consuming pornography or masturbating, would I be barred from exaltation?” She set down the screwdriver she was using and looked at me with tears in her eyes. Holding my hand, she said, “Oh honey, of course not.”

A spark of hope kindled in my heart such as I had not felt for some time. “The important thing is that you never stop trying. Of course, God wants you to quit for as long as you can, and hopefully remove it from your life forever, but He is also understanding of you and your struggles. He loves you and knows what your intentions are. If you battle it your whole life in earnest, and keep repenting, I don’t think he will keep you out of His kingdom.”

Her words gave me the hope I had sought for so long. After that, I fought so hard to quit. It’s been hard, I’ll admit. I have relapsed several times since then, and I thank my wife for always being so kind and supportive. What has helped a lot has been open communication. I know I can tell her when I relapse without experiencing judgment or anger.

To this day I still struggle every day to focus on my goal and stay loyal to my wife and to my God. It’s incredibly difficult, but I can safely say I have never stopped trying. Of course, that angers Satan and I know he won’t stop trying to make me fall, but I also know God will never stop helping me. I know that the Atonement of Jesus Christ is real. It can give us the strength we need to weather temptations.

NEVER GIVE UP!

1 Collective Brilliance, Stephanie Francom, Roxanne Thayne, Gigi Turley, Christine Van Wagenen, Rooftop Publishing, Sandy, Utah, 2019.

2 Alma 34:32.

3 John 3:19

4 Revelation for the Church, Revelation for Our Lives, President Russell M. Nelson, General Conference, October 2018. Italics added.