The Principles of Love

Chastity Brings Happiness and a Fullness of Joy

Mortality

We knew that to progress eternally we needed a physical body. There is something about the physical body that is very different from our beautiful spirit bodies. The abilities to touch, to taste, to smell, to experience pleasure and pain, all combine to enhance our mortal experience. There is also an increase in our ability to feel emotions, love, tenderness, resentment, anger, and joy. These sensations are powerful. They require much diligent attention and management.

As we left our heavenly home, no doubt we were given advice and counsel about what we were going to experience. We all wanted to do what Heavenly Father and Mother taught us to do because we love Them and want to return to live with Them eternally. Having never had a physical body, we had much to learn. I believe that much of that “advice” is tucked away into our subconscious mind. We call it the Light of Christ³ that is in all women and men. It is that “inner sense of right and wrong…that is given to every person.”⁴

All learning is a process that takes place over time. It is fascinating to watch a newborn baby discover their new physical environment. They are born with certain instincts and curiosities. For example, a baby is born with the instinct to suck. This saves his life as he is nourished, sucking also comforts him as he grows. He learns to focus his eyes and recognize people. He discovers his tongue, his fingers, and toes. He learns to walk and talk. As he matures, he learns that he must control his body. He learns that hot can hurt and cold can refresh. He learns that his body not only needs nourishment, but also requires elimination. Learning to control these bodily functions and needs is part of his maturation experience. His goal is to take good care of his body and learn to gain complete control of its appetites.

As a member of the Quorum of Twelve Apostles, Elder Melvin J. Ballard taught:

“When the first of the Father’s faithful sons and daughters were about to come into earth life, they were undoubtedly warned and cautioned; for we were to have two new experiences. First, we were to come into possession of a mortal tabernacle. Never having had one before, it was all strange to us. We were charged that we were to take possession of that mortal tabernacle and make it our servant, and were to be master over it, to honor it and yet to subjugate it.
“[Second,] we were to be in the presence of the enemy who was now a majority. If our eyes were only opened to see the powers that are about us, that seek to influence us, we could not have the courage to walk alone and unassisted. These powers are about us, using their influence for the accomplishment of certain well-defined ends to win the coveted place for their chief, the fallen son of God. When he fell the heavens wept over him, and he became Lucifer, the devil.”⁵

What is different now in mortality than when we were in heaven? In heaven, Lucifer was there with his followers trying to get us to follow him. We were in his presence. We knew him. But in mortality there are some noticeable differences. We are no longer in the presence of our Heavenly Parents or our Savior, the Great Jehovah. Lucifer and his minions are not visible to us. We can feel the influence of both, but following Heavenly Father now is an act of faith. If we seek Him, we can feel His influence over Satan’s through the power of the Holy Ghost. The battle between good and evil is just as real today as it was in heaven, but we must now act by faith alone.

“Heavenly Father allows Satan and Satan’s followers to tempt us as part of our experience in mortality. Because Satan ‘seeketh that all men might be miserable like unto himself’, he and his followers try to lead us away from righteousness. He directs his most strenuous opposition at the most important aspects of Heavenly Father’s plan of happiness. For example, he seeks to discredit the Savior and the priesthood, to cast doubt on the power of the Atonement, to counterfeit revelation, to distract us from the truth, and to contradict individual accountability. He attempts to undermine the family by confusing gender, promoting sexual relations outside of marriage, ridiculing marriage, and discouraging childbearing by married adults who would otherwise raise children in righteousness.”⁶

Even though Satan’s followers surround us, pulling at our determination to stay spiritually strong, we never have to give into Satan’s enticements. We are more powerful than he will ever be. We were among those in the councils of heaven who voted against him. We know who he is and what he wants to accomplish. We hold the key to our salvation by using our individual agency to follow the path laid by our Savior, Jesus Christ.

Plan of Salvation and Happiness

Satan was right in that the unchangeable laws of justice require perfection in order to gain exaltation. “There cannot any unclean thing enter into the kingdom of God.”⁸ But Heavenly Father’s plan provided for the fact that we are inadequate to save ourselves. He knew we would make mistakes; we would sin. Knowing the restriction of justice and knowing of our imperfections, Father provided a Savior, the Lord Jehovah, to pay the price of our sins if we would repent and learn to control our bodies through the use of our agency. Lucifer and his followers refused to receive Jehovah as their Savior.

After much heated debate and argument, the battle was won! We accepted Heavenly Father’s plan and it was put in motion. Sadly, a third of the heavenly host followed Lucifer and were cast out, never to return.

The Marriage Relationship

Adam and Eve were spirit children of our Heavenly Parents.⁹ Adam, a male spirit, then called Michael, stood next in power, might, and dominion to the Lord Jehovah. Eve, a female spirit, whose premortal name has not been revealed, was of like stature, capacity, and intelligence to Michael. We know this because they served together as equal partners.

We know that Jehovah and Michael were “companions” in their premortal mission. Jehovah was foreordained to be the Christ, the Savior of the world. Michael led the armies of heaven against Lucifer when one-third of the host of heaven rebelled. He assisted in the creation of the earth. As Christ ascended the throne of eternal power as our Savior and Redeemer, Michael was foreordained to be the first man and head of the human race.

At the same time, there were many wonderful, righteous women who were fulfilling their responsibilities. It can be assumed that the greatest of all female spirits was Mary, the one then chosen and foreordained to be “mother of the Son of God, after the manner of the flesh.”¹⁰ We can imagine that Eve was by her side, rejoicing in her own foreordination to be the first mortal woman, the mother of all humanity, the equal companion of the righteous Michael.

During the period of Creation, the Lord Jehovah spoke to a group of “the noble and great ones.”¹¹ He invited them to join Him in the work, saying, “We will go down, for there is space there, and We will take of these materials, and We will make an earth whereon these may dwell.”¹² It is safe to conclude that this group was composed of mighty men and equally glorious women. Mary, Adam and Eve, Abraham and Sarah, Joseph and Emma and multitudes of God’s faithful children were numbered among the noble and great ones. Sisters and brothers together labored diligently and fought valiantly.

Elder David A. Bednar has taught: “After the earth was created, Adam was placed in the Garden of Eden. Importantly, however, God said ‘it was not good that the man should be alone’, and Eve became Adam’s wife and helpmeet. The unique combination of spiritual, physical, mental, and emotional capacities of both males and females was needed to enact the plan of happiness. ‘Neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord’. The man and the woman are intended to learn from, strengthen, bless, and complete each other.”¹³

God modeled the oneness of the marriage relationship in how He approached Adam and Eve. Throughout the scriptures, particularly in the Doctrine and Covenants and the Book of Mormon, we come to understand that the Lord did not deal with Adam alone. When God spoke to or about “Adam,” it was a term which meant both Adam and Eve because they are the “family of Adam.” Both Adam and Eve prayed. Both heard the voice of the Lord. Both were commanded to worship Him. Eve was a full partner. She was a helpmeet, equal to her husband both in temporal and spiritual things. This means that she was equivalent to Adam in every sense. How could she stand by his side in all that was to come to pass if she were not equal to the task? Together they set the pattern for all mankind. This is how we are to pattern our own marriage relationship with one another and our Heavenly Father.

Adam and Eve had to learn how to work together and honor their marriage covenant. They were given commandments while living in the Garden of Eden. They were commanded to have children. They were commanded not to eat of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. Satan entered the Garden and sought to divide them. He sought to beguile and to deceive them, to separate them. So, he approached them individually.

Adam made his decision, independently, not to partake of the fruit offered by Satan. His reasoning was simple and sound—he had been commanded not to eat it. Eve, also making her decision alone, realized that they must leave the Garden to fulfill the first commandment given them. Both choices affected the other, but there was no recorded communication or agreement between them. They each acted as though the decision was theirs alone. They each acted independently. Could their transgression have been that they did not honor their marriage covenant in making these important decisions? The consequences affected them both and they were harsh as they were cast out of the Garden of Eden.

Our lesson is that both women and men are needed for God’s plan of happiness to take full effect in our lives. One is not complete without the other. One does not dominate the other. One is not exalted without the other. Because of the importance of unity within the marriage relationship, it is vital to remember that when we allow stress, disagreement, or competition to enter, we drive away the Holy Spirit from our home. All marriages have “growing pains.” All relationships require consistent effort to treat one another with respect, equality, and patience. Though our roles and daily responsibilities may differ, each is equally needed and valuable to the overall joy found within the marriage and family. Each role is equal to the other even though one may work outside the home for wages and the other works within the home with the family. Both are equally needed. They are two sides of the same coin. When we allow pressures and anxiety, or any outside influence, to affect our intimate relationship, we are inviting a destructive spirit to hurt, and possibly destroy, what is sacred and beautiful. “Happily ever after” only happens in fairy tales…unless we consciously and conscientiously humbly work together to achieve it. Learning to communicate and share honest feelings may take a lifetime, but as we pray for the Holy Ghost to guide us, we can learn to love each other more deeply.

Combining our unique capabilities fulfills our greatest potential for joy. We are here to help and lift one another back to our eternal home through following the commandments of God. Commandments are like grand light posts along the path of life. They are meant to guide our choices. They let us know that we are not alone for the Holy Spirit is poured out in abundance upon those who follow the Lord’s path. The Holy Ghost can be our constant companion within our marriage to help us stay on the path and receive our ultimate blessings of exaltation.

By obeying God’s commandments together, men and women have greater power than does either one separately. Complete unity is not easy. We cannot do it individually. We need one another. We need the Holy Spirit to be with us every step of the way. We need our Savior, Jesus Christ, and His grace through His infinite atonement. Great blessings are promised to those who choose to follow Him. When we look to the future eternal state of exaltation and to those who will then live in the married state, we can see the blessings the Lord promised: “Then shall they be gods, because they have no end; therefore, shall they be from everlasting to everlasting, because they continue; then shall they be above all, because all things are subject unto them. Then shall they be gods, because they have all power, and the angels are subject unto them.”¹⁴

To have that level of unity and oneness, we must use our personal agency with great care. All mankind is subject to trials and temptations of every kind. Commandments are given to help us avoid the pitfalls of sin. We are commanded to follow the example of Jesus Christ. Christ, alone, was able to resist all enticements and sets the example for us to follow.

Personal Lessons We Can Learn Through the Temptations of Christ 

In the New Testament, Matthew chapter 4, we read about the temptations of Christ as He was accosted by Satan. We can learn much about how to overcome our own trials and temptations by studying Christ’s experiences. Every test He faced had to do with physical gratification, earthly satisfaction, power, and glory. As we briefly review them, see if you can apply your life’s temptations to His.

After Jesus was baptized and confirmed by the Holy Ghost, He was led by the Spirit into the wilderness to commune with God, His Father. He fasted and prayed many days. Though physically weakened, this was also a time of great spiritual growth. We know that He “received grace for grace; …not a fulness at first, but continued from grace to grace, until he received a fulness,”¹⁵ as He came to understand His vital role in the redemption of all mankind. We do not know much about the process of His spiritual development, only that He did develop a complete understanding of His responsibility as our personal Savior.

Satan approached Jesus in His physically weakest, most vulnerable condition. Satan came to tempt Him. He started by mocking and bullying Him. Satan knew who Jesus was and sought to make Jesus feel small and unimportant. The first temptation was whether to turn stones into bread. Feeding Himself would have been merely satisfying a very real bodily need for survival. Isn’t eating the first thing on your mind after fasting only two meals? But turning the stones into bread represented an opportunity to break His fast inappropriately and to use His power improperly. It would have been self-serving to satisfy His own mortal need before fulfilling the Father’s purposes.

What are God’s purposes for you? What would He have you do to fulfill your mission in life? Where is your power when you find yourself tempted by a great physical urge that feels almost overpowering? As you focus on the need to view pornography and to masturbate, how can Christ’s unselfish example strengthen you in your resolve to stay clean?

Satan knew that Jesus had come to earth to freely give His life so that we all might live. Achieving this plan would allow Him to take His rightful place beside the Father as Lord of Lords and King of Kings. Satan vainly offered similar honors and powers on easy terms. He showed the Savior all the kingdoms and glories of the world. He offered Jesus a way out of death and suffering for our sins. He even tried to tempt Jesus to call upon the angels of heaven to save Him from His trial. Jesus would have only had to do one simple thing: “Just fall down and worship me!”¹⁶

Isn’t that what Satan is asking you? Every time you go to your device to view porn or isolate yourself so your behavior will not be discovered, you are inviting Satan into your mind, heart, and body. You are surrendering your personal power to worship him. What can you learn from Jesus’ example to resist Satan’s temptations and remain true to the person God designed you to be?

Sometimes people wonder if Jesus had a full and complete understanding of who He was by this time. We do not know exactly how much He knew, but we know He knew enough. He knew enough to understand that Lucifer had nothing to offer Him but mantles of façade that led to misery and death.

This primary tactic of Satan’s is a lesson we all must learn. As you face your temptations, it is critical to remember who you are as a Child of God and the power you have to withstand any temptation. You, too, know enough!

Not only did the Savior recognize Satan, but Christ also remembered who He was. He knew Himself to be the Son of God. He knew His own important role. He never lost sight of His eternal purpose. His spirit always made the right decision about His physical behavior. Therefore, He immediately ordered Satan out of His life. “Get thee hence, Satan; for it is written, Thou shalt worship the Lord thy God, and him only shalt thou serve.”¹⁷ And Satan departed.

And Satan departed! You, too, have the power to cast Satan out of your life—your mind and body. You are more powerful than he will ever be. He has no control over you. Repeat that in your mind over and over until you come to know it is true. “He has no control over me!”

The key to gaining our exaltation is for our spirit to control our body like Jesus demonstrated through His response to Satan’s temptations. He is the only one perfect in doing this, but Heavenly Father’s plan is to bring all His children back home to live with Him and be like Him. The Prophet Joseph Smith explained that following this Plan enables us “to inherit the same power, the same glory and the same exaltation, until [we] arrive at the station of a God, and ascend the throne of eternal power, the same as those who have gone before.”¹⁸ That is why the Father gave His Only Begotten Son to atone for our sins and to satisfy the laws of justice.

That is why God gave us the principle of repentance.

Who is Satan and How Much Power Does He Really Have? 

He was among the leaders of Father’s heavenly children. His title was a Son of Morning. How beautiful. He was very influential. He persuaded a third of the hosts of heaven to follow him out of God’s presence, never to return. He is real. He is as real as Heavenly Father, Heavenly Mother, and Jesus Christ are real. He is not some alien creature with horns, a forked tongue and pitchfork, but is a personage without a physical body. He is damned in that he will never have a body. He will never progress to become like Them.

Elder David A. Bednar taught: “Because a physical body is so central to the Father’s plan of happiness and our spiritual development, Lucifer seeks to frustrate our progression by tempting us to use our bodies improperly. One of the ultimate ironies of eternity is that the adversary, who is miserable precisely because he has no physical body, entices us to share in his misery through the improper use of our bodies. The very tool he does not have is thus the primary target of his attempts to lure us to spiritual destruction.”¹⁹

Satan knows that if he can get you to misuse your godlike powers of sexuality and procreation, he will gain control over your eternal soul. He tries to usurp God’s power by tempting you to misuse a power he will never have. He is arrogant enough to think that he will be the ultimate victor in this battle for souls.

As a child, I could not believe that any spirit son or daughter could really choose to leave Heavenly Father and defy His eternal plan. I remember thinking that if I could just talk with Satan, I could convince him of his erroneous ways. He must simply have misunderstood. Why would anyone not want what Heavenly Father was offering us? I have since learned that he does understand perfectly, with full knowledge and comprehension. He is evil personified. There will be no redemption for him.

Satan knows everything about the powers of heaven. No veil of forgetfulness has been drawn upon his mind. He remembers the war in heaven. He remembers the great and noble spirits who fought against him. He remembers you. He has not forgotten who you are and the role you played in his heavenly defeat. He has never given up his hope that he will ultimately win the battle for your soul. It is no imaginary power that seeks your personal destruction. Do not be naïve in thinking that you are not important. He wants you!

But remember also that Satan has no real power of himself. He cannot capture a single soul unless he is invited to stay. He will not charge at you with the evils of the world. He will ease you into sin. He will find a weakness in your shield of righteousness where he can enter. He will lure you into a cocoon of comfort and security, whispering in your ear that you can “eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow [you] die; and it shall be well with [you]. And there shall also be many which shall say: Eat, drink, and be merry; nevertheless, fear God—he will justify in committing a little sin; yea, lie a little, take the advantage of one because of his words, dig a pit for thy neighbor; there is no harm in this; and do all these things, for tomorrow we die; and if it so be that we are guilty, God will beat us with a few stripes, and at last we shall be saved in the kingdom of God.”²⁰ He covers every contingency of faith with doubt and rationalizations. “Don’t worry about sinning. There is no sin. When you die that will be the end of everything. No worries.”

Sometimes Satan uses worldly scholars to convince people of the post-modern belief that religion is just the effects of a “frenzied mind.”²¹ This is not a modern idea but was taught anciently by Korihor.²² Whatever a man does in his life is not a “crime” because there is no law except those that we socially construct as acceptable behavior. There is no afterlife or final judgment so there is no need to worry about sinning. No sin. No punishment. Just selfish indulgence.

Satan understands the power of bodily desires. He focuses his efforts intensely on the young and naïve. He will whisper that you are too tired tonight to say your prayers. You can pray twice as long in the morning. It is too early this morning to read your scriptures. You can read double tomorrow. You stayed out too late on Saturday night to get up in time for Church. You did not get your homework done so you need to go to the library this morning instead of seminary. Slowly, he will undermine your spiritual commitment and the flesh will become your master.

Satan knew when Joseph Smith was being raised up to restore the fullness of the gospel of Jesus Christ to the earth. He tried several times in Joseph’s life to destroy him. “It was no imaginary ruin that seemed impending, but a real tangible power had taken possession of [Joseph Smith] for Satan hoped to curtail God’s work, to postpone the evil day for himself by bringing to pass the death of the emissary whom God had sent into the world and who was about to be visited in connection with the inauguration of a gospel dispensation even for the last time—a work which should roll forth until it should fill the earth. It was the beginning of the end. No wonder the powers of evil sought to check its progress, its growth and development.”²³ Satan sought to destroy the infant Church through whatever means he could. Joseph Smith and his faithful band of followers were plagued with persecutions, financial troubles, illegal prosecutions, imprisonment, mob violence and fallen leaders. Satan knew the plan and was determined to thwart it. But he is powerless against the great Plan of Happiness.

Always remember that Satan only has power if you give it to him. If he comes into your life, he can only stay if you allow him. Would anyone admit that they purposefully invited the devil to dinner or to live in their family room, or office, or back room? And yet, isn’t that what happens when you view pornography? You go there willingly. No one is threatening you to go to that website. But you go and return again and again, “like the dog to his vomit.”^{24<>/sup> You must always remember that you do not have to live with him in your life. You have complete power and authority over him. You, like Christ, can cry out, “Get thee hence!” and he must depart.}

Purpose of Mortal Life 

Perhaps you have asked the question: What is the purpose of life? The scriptures tell us that the purpose is to be “perfect even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.”²⁵ That is a tall order, and you may feel that you have already destroyed that possibility—it is out of your personal reach. On top of that we are told to develop the attributes of Christ: mercy, forgiveness, grace, discipline, charity, sacrifice, righteousness, and much more. Those, too, seem unattainable except for small snippets here and there.

If these commandments are truly out of our reach, how do we maintain any level of hope for exaltation?

“Hope is never lost,” said Elder Jeffrey R. Holland. “Trust in God. Hold on in His love…Though we may feel we are ‘like a broken vessel,’ as the Psalmist says, (Psalm 31:12), we must remember, that vessel is in the hands of the divine potter. Broken minds can be healed just the way broken bones and broken hearts are healed.”²⁶

That sounds wonderful. Nevertheless, sometimes the standard set by God seems so high that it feels difficult to hang onto your sliver of hope. Perhaps if this great commandment was simplified into its most basic elements, it might create a spark of faith. If the commandment to be perfect and to develop all the attributes of Christ could be boiled down to a remarkably simple sentence, it might sound something like this:

The purpose of mortal life is for the eternal spirit to be the complete master of the appetites of the physical body.

Take a good look at what sin is: sin is the result of the appetites of the mortal body over-ruling the desires of the eternal spirit. It does not matter what it is. Sexual. Greed. Power. Avarice. Sleeping too much. Eating too much. Hatred. Lasciviousness. Abuse. Too much shopping. Watching too much TV. Game playing. Gambling. Cruelty. Laziness. Gossip. Selfishness. Procrastination. Envy. You can go on and on, but it always comes back to the appetites of the body over-ruling the eternal spirit.

This is worth repeating: Every sin is related to how the mortal body controls the eternal spirit. Satan seeks to capture your soul through the temptations of the flesh. He is relentless in seeking to find your personal weaknesses. “The greatest conflict that any man or woman will ever have (I care not how numerous their enemies may be) will be the battle that is had with self.”²⁷ The “self” is the body versus the spirit. Sin always comes back to wanting something here-and-now, demanding instant gratification to satisfy a physical, worldly want.

When the spirit reigns, we can wait. When the spirit reigns, we have self-discipline and control. We can balance life. We are obedient. We can see the needs of others and how our actions may affect them. We can love and be loved.

“Natural Man” versus Spiritual Men and Women

“For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.”³⁰ The spiritual woman and man seeks to do God’s will “that they may always have His spirit to be with them.”³¹ They strive to throw off the natural man within themselves and develop the attributes of Christ. They are willing to follow Christ’s example³² and submit their will to the Father’s.

That is the test of mortality. Will I submit my will to the Father’s or will I not? It is as simple as that. We are on earth for a divine purpose and that is to subdue the mortal body to the will of the Father, to develop godlike qualities and bridle our feelings and behaviors.

Alma teaches to “bridle your passions, that you may be filled with love.”³³ That is an interesting analogy. If you ask a cowboy, “Why do you bridle your horse? Is it to keep him from running and using his full power?” The cowboy would tell you that a bridle puts the cowboy in control of the horse. It is designed so that the cowboy dictates how fast the horse should run. The cowboy determines the direction the horse should go. The cowboy decides when the horse should walk calmly and when it should be given its full head to run with the wind. If we apply this to God’s law of sexuality and chastity, we are to bridle our passions so that we dictate when and how fast our relationship should go.

Satan would have you believe that to be free you must disobey God’s commandments. Afterall, they are so restrictive. They bind you down and do not allow for free expression. The people who lead the Church today are “old men” and do not understand the new, modern way…and so on and so on.

Yet has not God told us that we are free to choose our own destiny? “Wherefore, men are free according to the flesh, and all things are given them which are expedient unto man. And they are free to choose liberty and eternal life, through the great Mediator of all men, or to choose captivity and death, according to the captivity and power of the devil; for he seeketh that all men might be miserable like unto himself.”³⁴ You are free to choose your actions, but you are not free to choose the consequences.

The real test in life that we must face each day is whether we will bridle our passions, restrain the natural man, or give in to the urgings of the flesh. The natural man, who lives in all of us, is like the wild and untrained horse, and resists restraint. We want what we want when we want it, and we want it right now! The spiritual man, who also lives in all of us, can control his physical wants, even his needs, because he can see future benefits. He can restrain from instant gratification for something far more meaningful. He can live by faith.

Doctrine of Creative Power

Under the direction of Heavenly Father, Jehovah and Michael created this earth upon which we live. As the first male and female, Adam and Eve were placed on the earth and given instructions about how to use their new sexuality. They were given divinely appointed sensations and emotions designed to draw them together in loving commitment.

“The first commandment that God gave to Adam and Eve pertained to their potential for parenthood as husband and wife…God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife. We declare the means by which mortal life is created to be divinely appointed.”³⁶ Thus, this first commandment taught them the purpose of their sexual feelings. It is only through the physical, sexual union of male and female that new life is created and brought into the world. This power of creation gives mankind a glimpse of their own potential for exaltation and godhood.

Elder Dallin H. Oaks explained: “The power to create mortal life is the most exalted power God has given his children. Its use was mandated in the first commandment, but another important commandment was given to forbid its misuse. The emphasis we place on the law of chastity is explained by our understanding of the purpose of our procreative powers in the accomplishment of God’s plan. …Outside the bonds of marriage, all uses of the procreative power are to one degree or another a sinful degrading and perversion of the most divine attribute of men and women.” ³⁷

This is powerful and clarifying doctrine. Our physical, sexual union, designed by God, is “the most exalted power God has given to his children.” In other words, sexual relations are intended to assist us along our mortal path to our exaltation. Exaltation is living with and similarly to our Heavenly Parents. It is having the power of creation. Only the Exalted have that power. When wholesome love is experienced between a committed man and woman who have made covenants of marriage with each other and God, it is meant to lift them to a higher spiritual plane. The sexual act physically releases hormones that create feelings of love and intimate bonding that imitate the spiritual feelings of exaltation. It is designed to draw the man and woman together in committed fidelity and lift the two partners to heaven.

Elder Bednar further taught: “The power of procreation is spiritually significant. Misuse of this power subverts the purposes of the Father’s plan and of our mortal existence. Our Heavenly Father and His Beloved Son are creators and have entrusted each of us with a portion of Their creative power. Specific guidelines for the proper use of the ability to create life are vital elements in the Father’s plan. How we feel about and use that supernal power will determine in large measure our happiness in mortality and our destiny in eternity.”³⁸

This physical body, the body we have that is like God’s, is a holy temple for our eternal spirit. It is also a vessel where we can invite the Spirit of the Holy Ghost, a member of the Godhead, to always be with us. If we want that divine blessing, we must live accordingly. We must use this sacred act only within the bounds the Lord has set. When we misuse it in any way, we drive away the Spirit of the Holy Ghost. Therefore, any misuse of these sacred feelings and behaviors is a violation of the trust that has been placed in us. Our physical sensations were not created for mere recreation. They were not established to satisfy the lusts or curiosities of men and women. It is not meant to be casual entertainment. There is no such thing as “just sex.” They were not even designed to satisfy true love.

The Power of Sexual Feelings

The same progression is true with God’s Plan of Happiness.

If part of our mortal experience is to learn how to control our passions, why did God give these feelings to us when we are young and before we have permission to stimulate them? Childhood and youth are practice periods for adulthood where we are supposed to learn how to bridle all our emotions. Sexual feelings are to develop gradually so we can learn to manage them. Learning self-control is paramount to becoming Christlike. Teens and young adults are counseled to date³⁹in groups, not go steady, and not do anything that will stimulate sexual feelings to a point where the appetite of the body controls the good counsel of the spirit.

There was a time, not too long ago, that much of the people of the world agreed that sex outside of marriage was wrong. Now, the sophisticated people of society would have us believe that if we set any kind of limits or boundaries on sexual behavior or expression, we are bigoted and narrow-minded. Satan’s goal is to convince us that while sex is very pleasurable, it is not particularly meaningful. He knows also that sex sells. Satan uses sex to sell everything from lipstick to cars to football to alcohol to milk. He wants to cheapen it, make it common and casual.

Pleasure versus Joy

What is the difference? We will describe pleasure as anything that feels or tastes good. It is temporary. If you have an itch, you scratch. It feels good and relieves the itch until next time. You get hungry therefore, you eat. It is satisfying until the next time you get hungry. It is temporary. You view porn and self-stimulate. It feels good. It satisfies the “itch” until it is over. Then you are left with lies, remorse, and shame. Seeking mere pleasure to satisfy a physical urge always leaves you with disappointment.

Joy is something different altogether. It is permanent and eternal. Joy is much more than mere physical pleasure. It is feeling the level of happiness God feels. Because God has a physical body, He can experience physical pleasure. He designed our bodies to experience pleasure, but also joy. Joy involves a combination of physical and spiritual. Heavenly Father teaches His children that “men are that they might have joy.”⁴⁰

To receive “a fulness of joy,”⁴¹ we need to receive the ordinances of the temple. That includes the blessing of being sealed to a spouse for time and all eternity. A fullness of joy is what Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother experience: a sealed spouse with a family. It is through the sealing covenant with God that we can bind all the positive relationships we have with family members. This linking of generations through priesthood power is what enables us to receive a fullness of joy, an exalted level of happiness. Joy is connected to family. This is what Father wants for you.⁴²

I have asked men who use porn what they would feel if they learned that their wife was viewing male porn, that she was self-stimulating, and that was what she was thinking about when she was with him. Her thoughts were not about what a wonderful, loving husband he is. Her thoughts were about the last leading man she saw. Their private moments of intimacy are now more about the last video viewed, not about the love they have for one another. At first, the husband might deny that it would bother him. After all, isn’t that what porn does for him? But then reality hits! She is being turned on by thoughts of other men. She is giving herself physical pleasure without him being involved. She does not really need him to satisfy her needs. But wait—”Women aren’t supposed to feel that way!” The men begin to have feelings of jealousy and resentment. Turn-about is not fair play after all.

I have worked with married couples who thought they could combine eternal, married love with pornography viewing. Their initial notion was that they wanted to bring new ideas and excitement to their sexual relationship. They thought that if they viewed it together, it would not be “cheating” and that it would bring them closer. But somehow it always backfired. Generally, what happened is that the husband wanted to escalate the videos they viewed and the activities they did together, leaving behind the “romantic” scenes for more explicit scenarios. The wife became more and more uncomfortable with the types of scenes he wanted to view and reenact. For example, he might move more toward overt acts of domination leading to increased levels of violence. The wife, generally, did not like this change. The pornography pulled them in different directions, causing contention, sometimes to the point of separation and divorce. The “fun” had gone out of their intimate relations and now was a point of argument. Joy left their home.

Pornography and self-stimulation rob the marriage of the sweetness of tender love. It focuses completely on the bodily needs for pleasures and satiation, but completely bypasses love, deeper satisfaction and fulfilling commitment to one another. When either partner is using porn, privately or together, it drives away the Spirit that can bless the union with joy.

God has set His standards for our behavior. He sets them not to limit us, but to lift us to Him. The scriptures teach us that we are to safeguard our intimate relationships and not to “commit adultery, nor do anything like unto it.”⁴³

The lesson is simple:

There is physical pleasure in Godly joy, but there is no Godly joy in mere physical pleasure.

Sexual feelings that lead to joy involve having the Holy Spirit in your marriage relationship. They are designed to draw us to one another in love, tenderness, and commitment. When we have times of stress, or sometimes even contention, within the marriage, lovingly, physically sharing ourselves can break down walls of resentment and conflict. It can reopen communication. It can be a time where we reconnect and “fall in love” again.

Sexual feelings are to be guarded in every form, not just with others, but also in stimulating those feelings for ourselves. The correct standard set by Heavenly Father is for us to go to the temple with our chosen companion, make eternal covenants together that give us permission to use those feelings. Remember that chastity is a higher law, a Melchizedek priesthood law. When we make a higher covenant, the expectation of obedience is greater, and the resultant blessings are increased. Therefore, whether we are married or single, we must fervently guard these Godlike feelings and seek for the eternal joy.

Married or Single

In the post-mortal estate (after our death), if we are not exalted, we will all be single. All of God’s children will have the opportunity to have a worthy, loving, eternal mate, whether it happens in this life or after. Our job is to be sure we are worthy as an individual for these blessings. To progress eternally and encounter exalted joy we must have a sealed companion, someone with whom we have made covenants of love, faithfulness, and fidelity. Exaltation is the only place where we will be married, where we will experience union, where we will have the power and authority to create life, all forms of life creation.

What is the difference between man’s mortal ability to bear offspring and that of any animal, or even plant? Don’t they reproduce? They do. But they are not Children of God. They have fulfilled the measure of their creation.⁴⁴ You, on the other hand, can use your agency and call upon the atonement of Jesus Christ to progress eternally.

In His design for our earthly experience, Heavenly Father created our physical bodies to be able to have a brief physical glimpse of the joy of exaltation, of union, of creation. He designed our bodies to be attracted to one another. Our physical sexual experience is meant to bind us together as a couple, husband and wife, to become one spiritually, emotionally, and physically.

Of all the powers which God possesses, the power of creation exalts Him above all other beings. The truly miraculous fact is that He has granted a portion of this deifying power to mortal men and women. The power to conceive and bear children is central to God’s plan for the development and progression of His children on earth. How we use it, and the attitudes that we develop about it, determine whether we will have the opportunity to possess it and more during the eternities.

The Law of Chastity

Simply and clearly stated the law of chastity is that “we are to have sexual relations only with our spouse to whom we are legally married. No one, male or female, is to have sexual relations before marriage.”⁴⁵ This includes self-stimulation as it imitates the sexual relation. “Before marriage, do not do anything to arouse the powerful emotions that must be expressed only in marriage. Do not participate in passionate kissing, lie on top of another person, or touch another person’s body, with or without clothing. Do not arouse those emotions in your own body.”⁴⁶

Intimacy is sacred. Because of the great importance, blessing, and power of this experience, God also set very strict boundaries on the behaviors that stimulate those feelings. When a man and a woman come to the marriage in purity and worthiness, they will draw closer to one another and closer to God. There will be no regrets. No need for confessions and forgiveness. They are blessed with the sweet calming feelings that only purity can bring.⁴⁷ A couple is meant to be united in all aspects of their relationship. They are meant to sacrifice for one another. For true marital closeness, the Holy Ghost must be present. He has the power to purify your feelings toward one another. He can increase the love and commitment you have for one another.

Satan knows that if you violate the law of chastity, you are denying the knowledge you have of your eternal self. As you come to know that you are truly sons and daughters of God, you will sense the trust He has given to you with this power and the joy of His promised blessings. The Lord has vowed that if you “let virtue garnish [your] thoughts unceasingly; then shall [your] confidence wax strong in the presence of God.”⁴⁸ You are also promised in the very next verse that the Holy Ghost will be your constant companion.

Have you ever tried to imagine what meeting our Savior will be like? My sister and I were talking one time about what it will feel like to be in the presence of our Heavenly Parents and Jesus Christ. She shared this perspective: when she sees her bishop or stake president, they immediately smile! They call her by name and are glad to see her and be in her presence. She feels peaceful happiness at seeing them and being together. This is an example of what it must be like to meet your ultimate Priesthood Leader. Christ will smile when He sees you. He will call you by name and be glad to have you with Him. If you are living as you know you should, you, too, will be comfortable and glad for His companionship. By honoring the law of chastity, you can always feel confident with your loved ones, your Church leaders, and ultimately in the presence of Christ himself.

God has given us a glimpse of celestial marriage and the joy of exaltation through our physical intimacy. The Lord wants a husband and wife to enjoy their physical marital relationship. As we grow in understanding of purity, our capacity to love, to feel charity, and so much more, we begin to understand the power of exalted love. Our capacity for loving others expands and deepens. Our capacity for feeling God’s love also grows.

For example, when the Chicago temple was dedicated, we lived nearby and were involved in the various activities surrounding the dedication. President Gordon B. Hinckley dedicated the temple. I remember being so overwhelmed by the outpouring of the Holy Spirit. I was nearly sobbing. Then I looked at President Hinckley. He was dried-eyed and smiling, having a wonderful time. At first, I was surprised. Didn’t he feel the Spirit I felt so strongly? And then I realized, his capacity for receiving the Spirit was so much greater than mine. He could have the same experience, and more, and be energized while I was almost overwhelmed.

This concept is also true with our taste of exaltation through physical intimacy. We can grow in our capacity to have the Spirit bless our union. We can grow in our ability to love, honor, and cherish our mate. We will have the capability to hold so much more joy as we exercise personal purity. A couple is meant to share their whole soul—body and spirit—united in all aspects of life. Keeping our thoughts and actions pure will bring more joy, increased knowledge and understanding, and will multiply our ability to enjoy our relations.

When you invite pornography to be the mistress in your relationship, you drive away the sweet Spirit of unity and true love. Instead, you are creating a void of joy which you attempt to fill with momentary pleasure. The trap of pornography is that you must always increase the frequency, the eroticism, the violence, and nature of the pornography to continually achieve the desired effect. If you seek to have the Spirit of the Lord with you, standing “as witnesses at all times, and in all places that ye may be in, even until death, that ye may be redeemed of God…that ye may have eternal life”⁴⁹ then you must live the higher Melchizedek Priesthood law. By so doing, the love you feel for your spouse will be enhanced and your passion purified. “The more pure you are, the more marvelous your marital intimacy will be.”⁵⁰

Satan would have you believe that you should be able to do anything to satisfy your physical desires and it should be especially true if you are acting out your fantasies with your spouse. There should be no restrictions on what a couple does with one another in the privacy of their own home. If both agree, where is the problem?