Repentance & Recovery

What is Repentance?

There are consequences for our sins. God is very clear that our suffering will be great if we do not turn to Him. But remember that He is also loving. Notice how even in His strict admonition to repent and warning of the suffering that will follow those who do not, He reminds us that He has already suffered these things for our sake that we might not suffer if we would only repent. His love is unconditional. He loves us all. He has paid the price of cleanliness for us all. But He cannot bless us if we are disobedient to His commandments. We must not waste that blessing. His atonement is infinite, His cup is full and overflowing. And it was done for you!

We know that to repent from sin is not easy, but we are promised that the prize is worth whatever effort may be required of us. Repentance is not a “one and done” proposition. It is a process of change that will require continued focus, goals, humility, and commitment.

There are four clear steps of repentance: Recognition. Remorse. Restitution. Resolve. The first step to repentance and ultimate forgiveness is to recognize a behavior as sin. We then humble ourselves and approach the Lord with a remorseful spirit and a humble heart.

Part of restitution is confession. “By this ye may know if a man repenteth of his sins—behold, he will confess them and forsake them.”⁴

Elder Russell M. Nelson taught: “Confession is to be made to the person who has been wronged. Confession should be sincere and not merely an admission of guilt after proof is evident. If many persons have been offended, confession should be made to all offended parties. Acts that may affect one’s standing in the Church or the right to its privileges should be confessed promptly to the bishop, whom the Lord has called as a common judge in Israel.”⁵

And finally, we resolve to never repeat the sin again.

Repentance—it’s such a big word, a word that can feel overwhelming when looking at overcoming many years of porn viewing. And yet it is a word that is full of hope. “Repentance is God’s ever-accessible gift that allows and enables us to go from failure to failure without any loss of enthusiasm. Repentance isn’t His backup plan in the event we might fail. Repentance is His plan, knowing that we will.”⁶

Repentance is the path that invites us toward hope, and, as Elder Holland has said, it is perhaps the most “encouraging word in the Christian vocabulary. We thank our Father in Heaven we are allowed to change; we thank Jesus we can change, and ultimately, we do so only with Their divine assistance. Certainly not everything we struggle with is a result of our actions. Often it is the result of the actions of others or just the mortal events of life. But anything we can change we should change, and we must forgive the rest. In this way our access to the Savior’s Atonement becomes as unimpeded as we, with our imperfections, can make it. He will take it from there.”⁷

There is so much depth in his comment. Change and improve what you can, everything you can. You have great power to change anything negative in your life. Satan has no real power over you. You are stronger that he is. You have the ability to become whomever you desire. Humbly focusing on your divine potential will fill your mind and heart with such richness, hope, and love that there will be no room for negative behavior. And then, forgive the rest.

Each personal addiction story is unique. It started at a different place and time. You have heard all the advice. “Put your computer in the kitchen.” “Put filters on it.” “Just stop doing it!” But when you are in the midst of your addiction pull, it is so difficult to turn away. Your mind and body are fighting against your spirit—physical/mortal versus spiritual/eternal. This is when you need the strength of the Lord with you the most.

Remember God’s statement that He has already suffered what you are feeling. He has already experienced every moment, every pull, every temptation, you are capable of experiencing. He has suffered it all. He knows! You are not alone. There is always help and hope. Reach out to Him. Your Savior truly knows your story and your struggles. He knows them because He experienced them Himself. He experienced your addiction, your temptations, your agony. When you turn to Him with “a broken heart and a contrite spirit”⁸ He will succor you. He will rush to rescue you. But He may also require that you “suffer” as well. There are countless scriptural stories where people had a price to pay for their wickedness before relief was given. You must stay the course. Stay strong. Never Give Up!

Will Stopping Make Me Happier?

If it doesn’t challenge you, it won’t change you. Missionary

One young man asked me if I could guarantee he would be happier if he gave up porn and masturbation. Happier? What changes would take place in his life? He would not have the negative feelings he always felt after he self-stimulated. He would no longer feel guilty about this behavior. He could look his bishop in the eye and declare that he was clean. He could go to the wedding altar knowing he was free from Satan’s grasp in this area. He would be free to fully enjoy his marital relationship. Most importantly, he could humbly approach his Father in Heaven with a clear conscious regarding this behavior. Isn’t that all a part of happiness? Aren’t we promised that we will be happier when we obey God’s laws? “Wickedness never was happiness.”⁹ Sin drives away the Spirit of the Holy Ghost who blesses wholesome effort. This young man had felt the difference, but Satan wanted him to doubt that the blessing of joy can really be his.

It is pretense to claim to love the Lord, to love your spouse and family and then to indulge in perverted, pornographic illusions. “The immediate spiritual consequences of such hypocrisy are devastating. Those who seek out and use pornography forfeit the power of their priesthood. The Lord declares: ‘When we undertake to cover our sins, … behold, the heavens withdraw themselves; the Spirit of the Lord is grieved; and when it is withdrawn, Amen to the priesthood or the authority of that man’ (Doctrine and Covenants 121:37). Patrons of pornography lose the companionship of the Spirit. Pornography produces fantasies that destroy spirituality. ‘To be carnally minded is death’—spiritual death (Romans 8:6; see also 2 Nephi 9:39).”¹⁰ This cannot be happiness.

Some people want to believe that viewing pornography is just a little indulgence in harmless fantasy. Pornography is fantasy. It does not depict anything slightly related to real life relationships. Reality never lives up to fantasy. A wife, no matter how lovely, is not like what is pictured on the screen. She is not the picture of perfection with a team of make-up artists working on every detail of her appearance. She is a real person with deep feelings and needs. She is a fully participating partner expecting a loving relationship. She trusts her husband to be faithful in every way. A married relationship involves a spiritual sharing. It is about focusing on the other person. Together the couple seeks to lift the other. It brings happiness and joy in the truest sense. This requires a commitment and effort that porn never does.

“We Did Not Come This Far To Only Come This Far!”—100% Commitment

Conversion means knowing you lack something, and then being willing to work hard enough to make it happen. Missionary

In my private counseling practice, when I had a client who was struggling to accomplish a goal, they would usually complain that they just could not do it. They had tried everything. It was too hard for them. I would hold out my hand with a pencil in it and ask them to try to pick it up. They would immediately reach out and pick up the pencil. “No. I didn’t say ‘Pick up the pencil,’ I said try to pick up the pencil.” This time they would hover their hand over mine, pretending to not be able to pick it up. They were simply trying. Just trying is not good enough.

How many times have you set a goal in life and only tried to accomplish it? You tried to get a better grade in school. You tried to diet and lose weight. You tried to read your scriptures every day. The list could go on and on. What is the difference between trying to complete a goal and actually accomplishing it? The difference is between trying to do something and committing 100% to accomplish it.

A tool that can help you stay steadfast in your goal is to involve the support of others. Maybe it is your bishop, your parents, or your spouse. “A commitment made to yourself can easily be broken. But when you make a commitment to another person who loves you and who cares deeply for you, there is an increased incentive to change right now. It’s fairly obvious that a person who arranges to exercise with a valued friend usually hangs in there longer than someone who does not. When the alarm goes off in the morning, it’s easy to turn it off and roll over unless you know that someone you care about and who genuinely cares about you is waiting. People who make public commitments to quit smoking have a much greater chance of success than those who try to do it secretly. Talking to a trusted friend, a family member, a religious leader, a family physician, or a professional therapist is an important way of seeking help in overcoming a problem like pornography addiction. For those who know of God’s unconditional love for them, turning to Him and letting Him share in the heavy burden and shame of addiction can, over time, bring ‘rest unto [their] souls’ (Matthew 11:29).”¹¹

The bottom line is if you want to be successful in breaking your porn addiction, if you want to stop self-stimulating, if you want to accomplish any goal and be successful in life, you have to be all in. Your personal commitment to any goal must be 100%. Involve the unwavering support of those who love you. If you are only 94% committed, you will fail to reach your goal.

For example, if you want to run a 100-mile race but you quit at mile 94—you have failed to reach your goal. This may sound a little harsh to some. After all, shouldn’t you get “credit” for going 94 miles? I think so. But how might this apply to smoking? You are going to stop smoking 94 days out of 100. Or what about drinking? You are going to only drink on Christmas, New Year’s and Easter. You will go to Church every 3rd Sunday. How would that work for your temple recommend? What if the Savior had said He could fulfill about 89% of the atonement, but the rest was on us? The rest was just too hard for Him.

All too often in life we want the easy way. “Cut us some slack!” Giving others and ourselves some slack in some areas of life may be completely appropriate. If I ran 94 miles before collapsing, I would surely want credit for the effort. But in this instance a 94% commitment to change really means you have not made a true commitment to change. You have given yourself an “out,” an escape clause. Consequently, you always have to make the decision again and again. Am I going to take that drink? Smoke that cigarette? Self-stimulate? There continues to be a struggle within that grows into decision fatigue and too often the “temptation” wins. You give in because you are always having to recreate the initial decision, to gear up the enthusiasm every time. Small, seemingly insignificant choices feel like nothing at first. But over years, over a lifetime, those same choices can bind you down.

You must make a fundamental shift in thinking about your commitment. A true decision cancels the decision-fatigue. It is done. It is decided. Period. End of discussion. You no longer need to think about it. It stops the addictive merry-go-round. You are committed to the decision 100%. The Lord expects you to be 100% faithful. 100% obedient to His laws and commandments. “Be ye therefore perfect…”¹²
If you want to break your addiction to pornography, your dependence on self-stimulation, you must be ready to commit 100% to making the change. Will it be easy? Few have found it to be so. Can it be done? Absolutely—with diligence and tenacity. Will it be worth the struggle? Will you be happier? God promises you that it is worth the effort, and you will find great joy. It will require focused dedication, clear goals, sincere prayers, external support, and 100% commitment.

In counseling sessions, I would sometimes ask my client what he would cross the “I”¹³ beam for. If I placed the beam from one chair to another, would you walk across it for $10? If I took the beam and stretched from the top of the John Hancock Building to the top of the Sears Tower¹⁴, would you cross it for $1,000? $1,000,000? What if I was holding your child or spouse by the hair on the other side—would you cross it to save them? When I asked one man these questions, he became very agitated, saying, “You’re asking too much! This is too hard.” He got up and left the session. He was not willing to commit himself 100% to his goals of sobriety and cleanliness, even at the thought of losing his family. The point of the questions was to build a picture of what the person valued most in life, what it would take for him to be all in 100%. Where do you stand in your commitment to be clean?

Beware that the Lord has warned: “likewise also is it counted evil unto a man, if he shall pray and not with real intent of heart; yea, and it profiteth him nothing, for God receiveth none such.”¹⁵ “Real intent” is defined as a willingness to change your behavior based on what you learn and know through the Spirit of the Holy Ghost. Elder Dallin H. Oaks taught that “the promise of Moroni is for those who are committed in their hearts to act upon the manifestation if it is received. Prayers based on any other reason have no promise because they are not made with ‘real intent.’”¹⁶ In your heart, you know that the Lord would have you purify your life by ridding yourself of these behaviors. A real intent commitment is giving 100%. You change from avoiding the behavior you hate to moving toward the person you want to be. Your growing confidence allows you to be courageous in the sight of temptation.

Recovery

Commandments are only hard when we don’t want to live them. Every commandment is personal. No one can keep a commandment for me. Missionary

Conquering your addiction requires the same vigilance as gaining and maintaining a testimony. Just having the desire to stop is not enough. Just understanding the underlying feelings is not enough. You must commit 100% to your new life, your new self. It may be challenging, but it can be as exciting and interesting as you make it.

Below you will find a wide variety of ideas to help you on your personal journey. These are just a few suggestions. There is a great assortment of helps online, hundreds of therapies, and addiction recovery programs that can be helpful. Take charge of your recovery process.

You are in charge of who you are becoming.

Find the things that will help you be your best. These tools may change over time. Also, as you change, your support system may shift. One thing will never change: the foundation of all recovery is faith in the atonement of the Lord Jesus Christ. He holds you in His hands. His love can heal all wounds. He is the answer to all of life’s challenges. With that, He also expects us to help ourselves by doing the work required. Mosiah 3:24 “…whereof they shall be judged, every man according to his works, whether they be good, or whether they be evil.”

The idea of “works” can be confusing. Do we gain salvation through hard work? No. Resurrection from the dead to inherit a kingdom of glory is free to all people through the atonement of Jesus Christ. Every child of God, except for the sons of perdition, will receive a kingdom of glory based on how they obeyed His commandments. What then are the “works” spoken of by which we will be judged? The work of mortal life is to take control of the natural man within us. We exercise personal agency and faith by submitting our will to the Father’s.

Obedience to the Father’s word helps us master the appetites of the flesh and achieve our ultimate goal and purpose, which is to become like our Savior, Jesus Christ. This can be extremely difficult. Even Jesus reached a point where He declared, “Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless, not my will, but thine, be done.”¹⁹There came a moment when fulfilling the atonement for all people seemed too big a challenge even for Jesus. He cried to His Father to let it pass from Him. An angel appeared to strengthen Him. And though He was in agony beyond description, Christ submitted His will to the Father’s. Our work, truly all we can do, is to live our life after the manner in which Christ taught, to follow His example, and to become like Him. Elder Neal A. Maxwell taught: “As you submit your will to God, you are giving Him the only thing you can actually give Him that is really yours to give. Don’t wait too long to find the altar or to begin to place the gift of your will upon it.”²⁰

Just as Christ received an angel to help strengthen Him in His hour of need, you too will receive spiritual help in your personal journey toward God. Your “angel” may be a bishop, a counselor, a member of your support group or a family member. You are never alone. You are loved. God will strengthen you as you lean on Him. You can do this!

Ideas To Help You on Your Personal Road to Recovery

You are in charge of your own recovery.

1. Admit to yourself you have an addiction.

“One of the most important steps toward a solution is first to admit there is a problem. The monkey caught in a trap gains absolutely nothing by trying to convince itself there is no trap. Those struggling with pornography must realize that their choices and actions, however private they may seem, have long-lasting and devastating effects for them, their families, and society in general.”²¹

To overcome your dilemma with pornography and self-stimulation you need to admit that you have a problem. This critical step cannot be overlooked. Perhaps for years, you have denied that you have difficulty with controlling this impulse. You have convinced yourself that your behavior is not hurting anyone. You certainly do not have an addiction. But your parents, spouse, and bishop have begged you to stop. You promised again and again that you would even though you could not see what they were alarmed about. And so, here you are. The behavior has not stopped. No amount of coercion, threats, bribes, or discipline made a difference—because you have not been convinced there is a problem.

Until you own your behavior and its consequences, there is no therapy in the world that will help you stop. Until you realize that this behavior has become an addiction, that it is something that you cannot control on your own, there will be no permanent end to it. Until you humbly ask for your Savior’s assistance, you will not feel His healing power. “Whatever other steps you may need to take to resolve these concerns, come first to the gospel of Jesus Christ. Trust in heaven’s promises. In that regard Alma’s testimony is my testimony: ‘I do know that whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions.’ (Alma 36:3).”²²

The first step to overcoming your problem is to admit that you cannot do it alone. You need help from many avenues: your family, your priesthood leaders, professional help, and support groups. Surrender your will to your Father in Heaven. Help is waiting! “The Lord blesses those who want to improve, who accept the need for commandments, and try to keep them…If you stumble in that pursuit, so does everyone; the Savior is there to help you keep going.”²³

The key to all recovery, to true repentance, and joy in this life and in the life to come, is turning completely, 100%, all in, to our Savior, Jesus Christ. All things are possible through His grace. He will enable you to overcome this addiction. He loves you. You are not alone. Never give up!

2. Confession of sin.

Remember this important truth: you can stop viewing porn. Masturbation is a repent-able sin. Know that you can feel clean again and be fully forgiven. But know that help is often needed. It can be scary and embarrassing to reach out and talk to someone about your private behavior and feelings. It will take courage to reach out to those who are in authority to help you. Confessing to your spouse, parents, and/or bishop is one of the first steps in gathering help from those who love you most.

Viewing pornography and sexually stimulating yourself to these images is a sin against your vows of chastity and is “like unto”²⁴adultery. Such sin requires confession to proper priesthood authorities because it is a violation of your baptismal and temple covenants. The Lord has delegated to these leaders His authority to guide you back to honoring your covenants with full forgiveness and healing. Working together is a necessary part of your repentance process.

Outside of your priesthood leader, to whom should you confess? This depends on your life circumstances. If you are single, you might begin with your parents if that relationship seems appropriate, especially if you are young and still living at home. If you are married, your spouse deserves to know. This is crucial. Understand that this confession will cause tumult in your marriage because marital love is not unconditional. It will change your relationship but confessing to your spouse is critical, no matter how painful or embarrassing it may be.

You cannot predict nor control just how your spouse will react. Chances are the spouse will have had an inkling that something was wrong in the marriage. Maybe not. She may have noticed telltale signs like your isolation periods or late nights away from bed. Your confession may confirm her fears and damage her image of the marriage. With your admission, a great burden has been shifted to her. She may feel devastated by this new knowledge. When you reveal that you have lied about your intimate sexual experiences all this time, perhaps for years, she may feel that the marital bond of fidelity has been breached. The confession may well damage her own sense of self-worth. She will grieve for not getting the “happily ever after” she felt she was promised. A couple builds trust by sharing experiences and trials together. She will grieve for the times that you did not depend on her, nor trust her enough, to work through struggles together. What she thought was real in the marriage may now be seen as false. When this marriage faith is violated, it will require time for healing. On the flip-side, she may feel relieved that you are not having an affair with a real woman.

“Marital love is not unconditional and involves trust as an integral component. Thus, even in the context of outward repentance with regard to Church sanctions, and even with the tactical approval of a counselor, to eventually experience healing the relationship, the formerly addicted must at some point regain the trust of the betrayed spouse, independent of ecclesiastical or therapeutic parameters. She would ideally seek her path of healing independent of his, and even if divorce eventually occurs, would allow time and the Savior to restore her peace. The husband must be willing to let her heal on her terms and in her own time. Just as he wants her to be understanding of his struggles, he must be understanding of the severe trauma he has brought into her life.”²⁵

She will require her own healing time, her own recovery process. It is important that you have a spirit of complete humility and regret. If she sees you are humble and sincere in your desire to repent, she may be supportive and be willing to help. However, it is very possible that she will be deeply hurt, angry, and may want to end the relationship. This is not a time for you to make demands. She will need her own support group of trusted women who have experienced the same pain. Formal counseling with a qualified counselor will be important. “The healing of the relationship depends on the eventual healing of each person, with each focusing on gaining personal peace through the Savior and not co-dependently trying to ‘fix’ each other.”²⁶

Due to the isolating nature of this behavior, quitting privately is all but impossible. It was in secrecy that it began, and willpower alone cannot break the “flaxen cords ²⁷” that now lead you “away carefully down to hell.”²⁸ You cannot rationalize this behavior and think that simply praying to God is enough. Your actions may have been in private, but it is not a private matter. One blessing of confession is that it removes the element of secrecy, eliminating the sense of a double life. This gave it power. By removing “the veil of darkness” ²⁹ nothing is left unexposed to the light. Only then can true, lasting healing begin.

Another person who needs to know your full story is your “transparency partner.” This is a mentor or sponsor, someone who has been down this road himself and is able to help facilitate recovery. The spouse is not a good partner for this task. This puts her in a role that quickly becomes co-dependent. She might feel she has to act as the police, monitoring your every action. It is equally difficult for most bishops to fulfill this role. He is needed as a spiritual guide. The transparency partner, or sponsor/facilitator, is someone who has been where you are now. He can provide much valuable insight and strength to you. He will have a keen sense to know when you are lying, to him or to yourself. He will know the powerful struggle you are experiencing because he has been there and paid his personal price to get beyond it.

Transparency in confession means no secrets are left unexposed. This helps provide protection from the pull of isolationism. Spiritually, it also allows the person to access the power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. If nothing is left unsaid, if all is laid upon the altar of sacrifice, then the process of true healing can begin. There are no secrets, no surprises, no veil between loved ones. This allows the beginning of healing of both the body and the spirit.

Outside the spouse, priesthood leader, support group, and sponsor, sharing this with others should be carefully considered. Who needs to know? It is important that it not be shared unnecessarily.

3. “Prayer is the soul’s sincere desire, uttered or unexpressed…Prayer is the burden of a sigh, the falling of a tear, the upward glancing of an eye when none but God is near.”³⁰

Without sincere prayer, your goal of cleanliness has a false start. Invite God to be with you on your journey back to Him. He loves you with a love that cannot be fully understood and yet cannot be denied. Allow Him to be with you every step of the way.

“And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive.”³¹

“Pray that ye enter not into temptation.” ³²

“Yea, and when you do not cry unto the Lord, let your hearts be full, drawn out in prayer unto him continually for your welfare…” ³³

“Counsel with the Lord in all thy doings, and he will direct thee for good; yea, when thou liest down at night lie down unto the Lord, that he may watch over you in your sleep; and when thou risest in the morning let thy heart be full of thanks unto God; and if ye do these things, ye shall be lifted up at the last day.” ³⁴

True sincere prayer is such a private and personal matter. Only you know of your sincerity—and, of course, Heavenly Father. Do your prayers seem to “hit the ceiling” and stop there? Do they come from your head reciting words and phrases you have known all your life? Or do they come from deep within your soul, pleading with real intent to have a mighty change of heart?³⁵

Elder Richard G. Scott taught: “Father in Heaven knew that you would face challenges and be required to make some decisions that would be beyond your own ability to decide correctly. In His plan of happiness, He included a provision for you to receive help with such challenges and decisions during your mortal life. That assistance will come to you through the Holy Ghost as spiritual guidance. It is a power, beyond your own capability, that a loving Heavenly Father wants you to use consistently for your peace and happiness…I believe that you can leave the most precious, personal direction of the Spirit unheard because you do not respond to, record, and apply the first promptings that come to you… If you are ensnarled in pornography, make a total commitment to overcome it now. Find a quiet place; pray urgently for help and support. Be patient and obedient. Don’t give up.”³⁶ Never give up!

4. Start a recovery journal.

This is a separate journal from your daily doings and may be something you plan to one day destroy and never share with another person. Make it what you need it to be. Write about why you want to break the habit of viewing porn and masturbating. Write the history of your addiction. Write about what you have lost in your life due to this addiction. Write about your successes. Write what you learn when you mess up and why you want to try again. Write about your feelings and thoughts that trigger your unwanted desires. Put in inspiring quotes or scriptures. Make it meaningful to you.

You will have times when you want to return to old behaviors. Reading what you have recorded here may help you stay true to your goal of 100% commitment.

5. Take a deep breath.

When you feel the urge to go to the computer, or whatever device you may use to view porn or be alone with yourself, STOP. Your immediate traditional reaction to a stressful situation may be to touch yourself and/or go off by yourself to view porn. At that moment it is important that you slow down. Breathe deeply through your nose and exhale through your mouth. At first, you may want to count as you breathe. Slowly inhale through the nose 1-2-3-4. Hold the breath for two counts. Then blow out through the mouth 1-2-3-4, exhaling fully. Repeat as many times as you need to start feeling calmer. This simple exercise helps to focus your mind as you pump fresh oxygen to the brain. Continue for several minutes. Sit with the discomfort. Remind yourself: this uncomfortable feeling will pass.

Deep breathing allows your brain to reset. Stay with the breathing as long as it takes until the pinnacle of the urge subsides. This may take some practice. Pay attention to your body. Where do you feel tension? As you are breathing, consciously relax the tense areas of your body, one by one. Keep breathing, exhaling fully. This is pumping fresh oxygen into your blood stream, carrying it to your brain. You will be able to think more clearly in just moments. As you bring clarity to your thoughts, your feelings will calm and the tension in your body will quiet down, allowing you to be able to better deal with the underlying emotions. Gaining this clarity of thoughts and quieting the emotions that trigger your urge will help you better express and cope with these feelings.

As you are breathing, acknowledge your desire to view. Do not rush to take away the feeling. Think about it for a moment. Tell it that it is no longer useful to you and who you are becoming. You are no longer dependent upon it. You are no longer an addict. Tell it goodbye. Gently let it go from your mind. Keep up the deep breathing.

As you feel your body calming, acknowledge the feelings that may have brought on this episode. Be mindful of what you are truly experiencing, what has happened that triggered this current temptation. Keep breathing. Perhaps you can review the list of feelings (below) and mark the ones that seem relevant now. Think about those feelings. As you realize what your true emotion is, ask yourself how you can resolve this feeling in a healthy way. What are things within your power to help resolve the current situation? This is mindful behavior. It will empower you to make healthier choices. Pay attention to yourself, to what you are thinking, to what you are feeling. Explore and try other choices to resolve these uncomfortable feelings and thoughts that will not be shameful. You can do this! Keep practicing. Never give up!

6. Are You Thinking or Are You Feeling? Sit with It Awhile.

Some people say that our thoughts drive our actions. We do not do anything without thinking it first. Even spontaneous, unplanned actions must go through the brain first before becoming a reality. Others would claim that emotions are behind all behaviors. We feel something before we think it and do it. Either way, learn to sit with your discomfort for a few minutes before acting upon them.

When you are trying to break any bad habit, it causes psychological stress within the body. One example is when a child wants its pacifier, but mother says no. His mother knows it is time to stop using it, but this creates stress in the child. He cries and begs for it to be returned. Mother must be strong and help her child find new ways, more age-appropriate ways, for him to comfort himself. A child may not understand why he can no longer have his pacifier and has to trust that Mother knows best, even though the experience is somewhat painful for him. You are no longer a child. You know it is time to break away from your old negative habits, regardless of how emotionally comforting or mentally distracting they may be. Just as a child learns to trust their mother, you must learn to trust the Lord with all your heart that He knows what is best for you.

One tool for breaking a bad habit is to understand the underlying emotion that may trigger the desire to continue its use. The habit of self-stimulating may have become a coping mechanism for a variety of emotional situations that would be better handled in other ways. You must learn how to sit with the discomfort for a while. When the urge comes, do not act immediately. Use the deep breathing technique.³⁷ Allow yourself to feel the discomfort. Remind yourself that this feeling will not kill you. Sit with it a while. Let the mind become aware of what is producing the need to do the behavior. What feelings or thoughts are behind the urge? Take a moment to write these thoughts and feelings in your recovery journal.

Here is a list of feelings you can review. Look for the feeling that might be underneath your desire to view porn at this moment. Some feelings can be from various sources. Write down what you feel and think about this experience.

7. Learn who you are as an eternal being.

Coming to a deeper understanding of who you are as an eternal being is a critical step in the process of stopping any negative behavior. This requires deep self-reflection and prayer. It requires being honest with oneself at a profound level. You will find the answers to your questions in scripture, in your Patriarchal Blessing, in blessings you receive from priesthood leaders, reviewing General Conference talks, and from listening to those who love you the most. Record your thoughts and feelings about these experiences. Read them again and again. Begin the adventure of discovering your true self!

8. Write a personal mission statement—Find renewed purpose for life.

Writing a personal mission statement is a critical investment in your own future identity. Start by making a simple list of all that is important to you. This list can include anything positive that you find valuable. It might include things such as: being the kind of parent who plays with their kids; having an enduring testimony of Jesus Christ; being financially responsible; developing talents; being a thoughtful, loving spouse; etc. Then take your list and write each one as a present tense sentence. “I am a person who is faithful to my spouse in all things. I live within my budget. I am…” Arrange them as you wish. There is your personal mission statement.

This statement can give purpose for each day. This is what gets you out of bed every morning with a bounce in your step. You have direction. You are needed. You are progressing toward achieving a goal.

Study your Patriarchal Blessing.³⁹ If you have not yet received it, go to your bishop and make a plan whereby you will be ready. This Blessing is unlike any other you will ever receive. It gives you a glimpse of how your Heavenly Father sees you.

Beware of the illusion of “down time.” It is not time for escape or diversion. “Down time” is simply a moment to rest, to catch your breath, before you start again. Learn to plan out your days and nights with activities and tasks that relate to your eternal goals and reflect your mission statement. Recognize the times when you are habitually vulnerable for relapse: times when you are alone, when you are tired, restless, or irritable. For example, if in the past you regularly acted out at 4 pm on Tuesdays because you are always at home alone, schedule a fun activity at 4 pm every Tuesday afternoon to help you break your habit. Or if you have the practice of viewing porn while waiting in your car during your kid’s basketball practice, find an errand to run, or go inside the building to read your scriptures. You could listen to General Conference talks, or podcasts while you take a walk. Do anything except stay in your car. Consciously changing your habits means intentionally removing yourself from otherwise vulnerable situations. A counselor or mentor may be helpful in identifying your vulnerable times and creating alternative activities. Plan each day with purpose and stay connected with your support team. When you have no real direction for each day, when you have idle time on your hands, your hands may get you into trouble as you relapse yet again.

Having a purpose in life, a mission to accomplish, gives you power to overcome the natural challenges that come with living. You now have a vision of who you want to be and a plan of how to get there. You go from powerless to powerful. You got this!

9. Learn to focus on the needs of others.

Start with those closest to you: your spouse, family, friends, ministering brothers and sisters. Get to know them on a more personal level. What are their dreams and aspirations? What matters to them? What goals are they working on? Encourage them. Find tangible ways to serve them. Be a safe sounding board. Be available. Be trustworthy when they share their ideas and insights. Acknowledge their dreams. Celebrate their successes. Inspire them to reach higher in everything they do. Be authentic by striving to reach your own goals. This helps to overcome your history of isolation. Interacting with others on a more meaningful level draws us toward others, helping us to connect more deeply.

10. Find an addiction recovery group.

There are Church-sponsored groups through the Addiction Recovery Program. This creates a safe environment of support for your personal change. This may not be for everyone, but it can be very helpful to have others to talk with who are personally familiar with what you are experiencing. Do not let your pride keep you from experiencing loving support. Many times people resist joining a group to talk about their issues, but then find it very helpful and comforting.

“Those struggling with pornography must find or develop a circle of examples, mentors, and supporters who can encourage instead of scold, educate instead of embarrass. Once in such a group, it is vital they stay with it. Change takes time. It is a long process and not a single effort. Small victories must be celebrated along the way, and slip-ups must be times for learning. Failure needs to be seen as an event, not as a person. It must always be looked at upon as something temporary.”⁴⁰

11. Examine underlying issues and loss.

It is often necessary to look at underlying issues that contribute to your desire to act out. These may relate to issues of self-image and esteem. This may require professional counseling. Review the section on how to choose a good counselor⁴¹. All therapists are not created equal.

“Understand that to be addicted to pornography is to experience loss. The longer you are addicted, the more you will lose. The key is deciding now that you have lost enough today, that you don’t want to lose any more. Take a moment and think about what you have lost in your life.”⁴²

Take the time to write in your recovery journal about the things you have lost in your life. Write about what you really want and set goals on how to begin to bring these good things back. Write a plan for how you will accomplish it.

12. Choose your thoughts.

The brain is a powerful instrument, but it has its limits. For example, it cannot think in the negative. If you tell yourself not to think of something, that is all the brain can think about. Example: For the next few moments, do not think about biting your nails. Do not picture putting your fingertip in your mouth and feeling the little bit of nail. Do not think about taking that piece of nail and putting it between your teeth, grabbing hold and pulling. Do not think about whether it will hurt or tear the fingertip. Do not think about taking that bit of nail and spitting it out…You cannot do it! While you were reading this passage, all you could think about is biting your nails. Even if someone else read it to you, your mind would picture the action of biting nails. Therefore, you cannot tell yourself to not think about pornography. Do not think about touching yourself. That is right where the mind goes in vivid high-definition technicolor.

You need to learn how to focus on what you do want to think about. You are in control, at least in charge of, what you allow to be in your mind. In your recovery journal, make a list of a wide variety of things you are interested in and would like to know more about. It could be anything from gardening to building model airplanes, from political issues to doctrinal questions. Whenever you first sense your urge to act out, immediately focus your attention, thoughts, and actions on what you choose. You cannot always control what images you will encounter or that will come into your mind. Those images create thoughts and feelings. But you can determine what thoughts stay in your mind. You have control over what lingers. If you have a plan for what you do want to think about, you can quickly replace the unwanted thought or image with something uplifting, loving, and wholesome. As you learn to fill your mind with pleasant, righteous subjects, you will learn how to eliminate thoughts of undesirable behaviors. You are in charge of what you think about. You can do this!

13. The brain can change.

When you repeat an action, the brain develops pathways that allow you to remember how to do things, what it felt like, etc. It is vastly important to know that these brain pathways are reversible after the behavior is discontinued. For example, did you take piano lessons, or any other instrument, when you were younger? If you have not played that instrument in a while, are you still able to play at the level you once could? No. You can forget how to play well. Your teacher told you to practice, practice, practice! That is how you become good at something. The same is true for replacing a poor habit with a good one. You must stay focused on your eternal goal of exaltation and how you plan to get there, how you are helping your family members in their goals, and so forth. Never give up! If you fall, then get up, dust yourself off, and start again. Research shows that recovery is the rule rather than the exception. Never give up! You are worth the fight to overcome past choices and harmful behaviors. Never give up! You are not alone for the Lord is always with you, waiting at your door⁴³ for you to open it and let Him in. Never Give Up!

14. Build new friendships.

Pornography and masturbation are solitary and isolating activities. The antidote to isolation is connectivity. Perhaps your first response to this idea is that you are shy. You are uncomfortable reaching out to people. You prefer to be alone. Remember that you are building a new you. The old you is dead. Part of being your new self is connecting with new people. Here is a well-kept secret: if you were to ask, the majority of people would say they were shy, at least in certain situations. There was a man who was successful in his international business career, working with people of various countries and cultures. He was a leader in his ward and stake. People found him to be warm and inviting. And yet, when he describes himself, the first thing he usually says is that he is shy. No one would believe him because he makes a concerted effort to reach outside of himself. If you can remember that the person sitting next you is just as lonely as you are, it will be easier to say hello and introduce yourself. Learn to be the inviter, instead of always sitting back waiting for someone else to make the first move. Everyone can use more friends. Be that person.

“Those who are struggling must reach out, not only for help and support, but also for full lives and meaningful relationships with others. People cannot be helped in isolation. By engaging in relationships and life, they can truly meet many of the needs they were unsuccessfully attempting to meet with pornography.”⁴⁴ Pornography and masturbation are not your friends. They do not come bringing hot chicken soup when you are ill. They cannot offer you a priesthood blessing. They do not laugh at your silly jokes. Only real people can touch your heart. You can reach out to others. You can do this!

15. Find new ways to enjoy your life.

Play time is critical for adults as well as children. It allows us to “let off steam” in healthy ways. Maybe you used to have a sport you enjoyed, tennis or golf or street ball or swimming, even chess or Dungeons and Dragons. Look for ways to invite old interests back into your life. Make new friends by learning a new sport or interest. Seek for activities that involve others. These activities engage people in the here and now. It builds new memories and gives opportunity for new emotions to be felt.

16. Exercise.

Making your muscles work and your body sweat can do more to release physical tension than just about anything else. It does not matter what you do but get up and do something. Set goals for each day to break a sweat. You can run, do aerobics, ride a bicycle, do yardwork, go swimming, walk the dog, fly a kite. Invite a friend to commit with you to a daily tennis or pickle ball match. The point is to get off the couch and do something. Testosterone can be released through sweat glands. Boys and men do well when they have a good heart-pounding sweat every day.

17. Change your environment.

Sometimes it is helpful to change your literal environment. If you have a “favorite spot” where you view porn and masturbate, change that place to be something new and fresh, one that holds no memories. Switch bathrooms. Paint your bedroom and put up new decorations. Buy a new bed. If you view it on your smartphone, trade it in for a flip phone.

18. Turn on music.

Fill your mind and heart with music. It can lift the soul as you listen to your favorites. Dance in the kitchen! Music has a way of lifting our emotions when we are sad or angry. It can energize us. It can help us relax. It can bring the Spirit into our home.

19. Turn off the news.

Local or national news is seldom uplifting. It is stressful to hear about all the bad things that are happening in the world, in your city, with the politicians. This can cause increased anxiety and a desire to withdraw from the world. If you must watch TV, watch things that are family oriented, uplifting, or comical that make you laugh.

As you read through these ideas, hopefully, you started your own list of ideas that will help you stay true to your new goals, your new self. You are in charge of who you are becoming!

How to Choose a Counselor⁴⁵

FACT: There is no such thing as value-free counseling. Every counselor has their own life, personal history, their own belief system, their own reasons for entering this field of study. The very way they phrase a question, or the tone of their voice, exposes their bias. This is not a bad thing. You do want a counselor who has the same value system you do. Look for someone who has specific training in addiction recovery and is trained in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT).

FACT: If you are uncomfortable, at any time, with their bias, you can talk with them about your feelings. You have the right to change counselors. Sometimes you may have to “shop around” for the right fit. But also remember that their job is to ask the uncomfortable questions, to push you, to coach you toward your personal goals. Therapy requires work on your part.

FACT: You are in control of what goes on in a counseling session. The counselor works for you. Never surrender that authority. You are in charge of your mental health and finding the right counselor for you is critical. You are in charge of who you are becoming.

There are things to look for in finding the right counselor. You will need to interview them. What is their degree and training? What is their religious background? How long have they been in practice? What type of cases have they worked with? Do they have training in addiction recovery? You can ask them questions regarding the work you want to do together.

Come to your session with your plan in mind. When I received a call from a new client, I would ask them to come prepared to answer three questions:

1. What has happened recently that made you feel that now would be a good time for counseling?

2. What do you hope counseling will do to help with the situation?

3. How will you know when counseling should be concluded?

No one goes to see a therapist because everything is going well. The counselor knows that you want to change something in your life. It will require work on your part. Do not be afraid of the work of counseling. It is the therapist’s job to ask personal questions, to probe, to help you expose elements in your life that have brought you to this point. It may be uncomfortable, even emotionally painful, to discuss certain issues, but talking through past pains can relieve the hidden power they have over you.

Therapy is meant to end. Counseling is not a lifestyle, meaning something that needs to go on and on. No counselor can solve every problem in your life. Stay focused on the main problem you are currently facing. Therapy may involve exploring past experiences to help you understand the present. But be watchful to stay on task. Why did you seek counseling now? What do you want to have happen? When you feel your goal is being accomplished, it may be time to end your work together. Your personal work never ends. You can always choose to return to counseling as needed.

Only 12-Steps to Recovery?

While there are many valuable paths to full recovery and repentance, considering the 12-step model⁴⁶ can be beneficial. Ponder the following outline of the 12-Steps and contemplate your ultimate goal of becoming more like your Savior. Each step requires an action from the participant. Put them in the form of a personal question and see what your honest answer is. I present them here as a resource. You will decide for yourself the path that will work best.

1. Step 1—Admit
Admit that you are powerless to overcome your addiction of pornography and masturbation. It has become unmanageable for you alone. Can I admit that I have failed in overcoming this behavior on my own?

2. Step 2—Come
Come to believe that only the power of God can restore you to complete spiritual health. Do I believe that Heavenly Father loves me and will help heal my soul?

3. Step 3—Decide
Decide to turn your will (your agency) and your life over to the care of your loving Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ. Am I ready to submit my agency/will to my Savior?

4. Step 4—Make
Make a complete, honest, courageous journal/inventory of yourself. Will I make an honest inventory of my past behavior as part of my recovery/repentance process?

5. Step 5—Confess
Confess your behavior to yourself, your spouse, your Father in Heaven, and to proper priesthood authorities. Have I fully and honestly confessed my sins to my spouse, my priesthood leader?

6. Step 6—Commit
Make yourself ready to have God remove all your character weaknesses. Am I willing to commit 100% to God?

7. Step 7—Humility
Humbly seek the Spirit of the Lord to remove your shortcomings. Am I holding on to pride in any form?

8. Step 8—Acknowledge
Make a list of all the people you have harmed and become willing to make restitution to them. Who are the people I have hurt due to my addiction?

9. Step 9—Restitution
Wherever possible make direct restitution to all persons you may have wronged. Am I willing to speak with them and find ways to make it up to them?

10. Step 10—Continue
Continue taking personal inventory. Learn to admit when you are wrong. As I take personal inventory of my life, am I willing to admit when I have been wrong and ask for forgiveness?

11. Step 11—Seek
Through prayer and meditation seek to learn the Lord’s will and to have the personal power to live it. Am I inviting the Spirit of the Lord to be with me and strengthen me in my goal of cleanliness?

12. Step 12—Share
As your spiritual awakening takes place share this message with others and practice the principles you have learned. Have I reached a point in my recovery where I can help others along their way?

The 12-steps all involve action on your part. Growth requires focus, commitment, and energy. It is not a one-time-and-done event, but a process you will continue for the rest of your life. As you reflect on your recovery path remember that it begins with true dedication, 100% commitment to be free of this affliction, being willing to do whatever is required of you.

You must create safe surroundings. This involves changing your access to porn, changing your environment, changing your interactions with others. Choose a support team: a 12-step recovery program, bishop, a therapist who specializes in LDS treatment of sexual addictions, and a mentor/sponsor.

One purpose of support groups is to share personal stories. A good group will share only those elements that will aid in the miracle of healing. There will be rules for sharing that are meant to help you stay clean and not trigger the unwanted behavior. Sharing is not meant to be titillating or spouse-bashing. Sharing is designed to help in recovery, to build a sense of hope and belief that change is, indeed, possible.

“Come Unto Me”

Christ invites all to “come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls (Matt 11:28-29).” Christ’s answer to anyone asking is always “come, follow me.”⁴⁷ He will never turn you away.

Do you ever find it hard to know the way to find and follow Him? How do we do it? Alma taught that “if ye will awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words.”⁴⁸

Start with a simple desire to change, a desire to believe that God loves you enough to help you through this maze of repentance and recovery. Let that desire work in you. Perhaps it has been a while since you have felt His Holy Spirit with you. You may have to relearn what it feels like to have Him as your companion. Give it time to grow. Full repentance and recovery will not be easy. It will not be quick. But it will be worth it!

Elder Dallin H. Oaks gave a concise overview of the steps that need to be taken to break the hold that pornography and masturbation have had on you.

“First, acknowledge the evil. Don’t defend it or try to justify yourself. For at least a quarter century our leaders have pleaded with men, and also with women and children, to avoid this evil.

“Second, seek the help of the Lord and His servants. Hear and heed President Hinckley’s words:
‘Plead with the Lord out of the depths of your soul that He will remove from you the addiction which enslaves you. And may you have the courage to seek the loving guidance of your bishop and, if necessary, the counsel of caring professionals’ (Liahona and Ensign, Nov. 2004, 62).

“Third, do all that you can to avoid pornography. If you ever find yourself in its presence—which can happen to anyone in the world in which we live—follow the example of Joseph of Egypt. When temptation caught him in her grip, he left temptation and ‘got him out’ (Genesis 39:12).

“Don’t accommodate any degree of temptation. Prevent sin and avoid having to deal with its inevitable destruction. So, turn it off! Look away! Avoid it at all costs. Direct your thoughts in wholesome paths. Remember your covenants and be faithful in temple attendance. The wise bishop…reported that ‘an endowed priesthood bearer’s fall into pornography never occurs during periods of regular worship in the temple; it happens when he has become casual in his temple worship.’

“…Finally, do not patronize pornography. Do not use your purchasing power to support moral degradation. And young women, please understand that if you dress immodestly, you are magnifying this problem by becoming pornography to some of the men who see you.”⁴⁹

To summarize: 1—acknowledge evil. 2—seek God’s help. 3—avoid it. 4—do not support it. We must learn to utilize these lessons taught by others.

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland taught how to employ the messages we hear at General Conference. Apply this same counsel to what you have read in this article and others like it. “First of all, if in the days ahead you not only see limitations in those around you but also find elements in your own life that don’t yet measure up to the messages you have heard this weekend [or read here], please don’t be cast down in spirit and don’t give up. The gospel, the Church, and these wonderful semiannual gatherings [and messages in this article] are intended to give hope and inspiration. They are not intended to discourage you. Only the adversary, the enemy of us all, would try to convince us that the ideals outlined in general conference [and in this article] are depressing and unrealistic, that people don’t really improve, that no one really progresses. And why does Lucifer give that speech? Because he knows he can’t improve, he can’t progress, that worlds without end he will never have a bright tomorrow. He is a miserable man bound by eternal limitations, and he wants you to be miserable, too. Don’t fall for that. With the gift of the Atonement of Jesus Christ and the strength of heaven to help us, we can improve, and the great thing about the gospel is we get credit for trying, even if we don’t always succeed.”⁵⁰ You can improve. It is a process that will occur throughout your lifetime.

“’Success,’ it has been said, ‘isn’t the absence of failure, but going from failure to failure without any loss of enthusiasm’.”⁵¹ You are stronger than Satan in every way! You can conquer his influence in your life and become the person God intends for you to be. Never give up!

As hard as it is to comprehend, many are content with addiction. They either cannot remember a past without it or cannot imagine a future free from it. God cannot, and would not, force us to choose exaltation. The miracle of God’s grace is not just that God can take you out of your addiction, but that He can take the addiction out you. “It took weeks and months to bring the children of Israel out of Egypt. However, it took forty years and more to take Egypt out of them. It was one thing to change their surroundings and another to change them. As we strive to escape whatever bondage we find ourselves in, God will soften hearts, ease burdens⁵² and help us grow in grace.⁵³ As we endure, we will learn to take the Lord’s name more sincerely and reach out to others for help. We will learn to see our progress—however slow it may be—with a long-term perspective. When we choose to accept the grace offered by Jesus Christ our days in the wilderness will become journeys of freedom and healing.⁵⁴

“Brothers and sisters, whatever your distress, please don’t give up and please don’t yield to fear. I have always been touched that as his son was departing for his mission to England, Brother Bryant S. Hinckley gave young Gordon a farewell embrace and then slipped him a handwritten note with just five words taken from the fifth chapter of Mark: ‘Be not afraid, only believe.’ I think also of that night when Christ rushed to the aid of His frightened disciples, walking as He did on the water to get to them, calling out, ‘It is I; be not afraid.’ Peter exclaimed, ‘Lord, if it be thou, bid me come unto thee on the water.’ Christ’s answer to him was as it always is every time: ‘Come,’ He said. Instantly, as was his nature, Peter sprang over the vessel’s side and into the troubled waters. While his eyes were fixed upon the Lord, the wind could toss his hair and the spray could drench his robes, but all was well—he was coming to Christ. It was only when his faith wavered and fear took control, only when he removed his glance from the Master to look at the furious waves and the ominous black gulf beneath, only then did he begin to sink into the sea. In newer terror he cried out, ‘Lord, save me.’”⁵⁵ Our focus must always be on the Savior of our soul.

Ofttimes we are like the father who pleaded with the Lord to heal his afflicted son. The boy would thrash on the ground, foaming at the mouth. The father was desperate to have his son healed. He had just enough faith to ask the Lord, “If thou canst do anything, have compassion on us and help us.” Jesus replied asking him if he had faith enough because “all things are possible to him that believeth. And straightway the father of the child cried out, and said with tears, Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief.”⁵⁶ God can help the unbelief in your heart. You may have just enough faith to ask yet again for help in overcoming your affliction. Pray for increased faith. Pray for help in overcoming your skepticism.

We cannot afford to take our eyes off the Savior, Jesus Christ. All the wonderful counseling, whether it come from inspired Church leaders or professional counselors and programs, cannot replace the power of His atonement. We must all come to the realization that we cannot walk through mortality alone and find the joy that has been promised. We each need our Savior and His proffered blessings to receive the ultimate gift of Eternal Life. We are dependent upon Him and the power of His Infinite Atonement. What a joy to know that it is freely offered to all who will accept it!

You can do this! Never give up!

When you are feeling down or struggling with your life circumstances it can be difficult to believe in yourself. It can be even harder to believe that your Heavenly Father loves you and has very special blessings with your name on them. This exercise will help you see more clearly who you are as an eternal being, a beloved and blessed child of God.

What is a Patriarchal Blessing?

A Patriarchal Blessing is unique in all the world of blessings. It is given by a worthy priesthood holder who has been called to give such Blessings. That is his only Church responsibility. The purpose of this Blessing is to be a guide and a comfort to you as you seek to come to know your Savior, Jesus Christ, and to become like Him. By coming to know yourself through your personal Blessing, you will be able to face life’s challenges without fear and with great courage.

“A Patriarchal Blessing from an ordained patriarch can give us a star to follow, which is a personal revelation from God to each individual. If we follow this star, we are less likely to stumble and be misled. Our Patriarchal Blessing will be an anchor to our souls, and if we are worthy, neither death nor the devil can deprive us of the blessings pronounced. They are blessings we can enjoy now and forever.”⁵⁹

All blessings you receive—from your father, bishop, or other worthy priesthood holders—come from God. Heavenly Father is anxious to bless all His children. He knows every weakness, every sin, every strength and potential. The Patriarchal Blessing can show you what God expects of you and what your potential is.

Read Your Blessing Like Scripture

If we were to be perfectly honest, many of us have read our Blessing looking for the “fortune telling” aspects of the Blessing. Will you get married? Will you be successful? You want to know if you will be happy. Perhaps you have been disappointed that your blessing is shorter than someone else’s or does not tell you what you should do professionally or which talents you should develop. Sometimes we can be so short-sighted.

Your Patriarchal Blessing does not outline every detail of your life, but it will give you counsel and direction to help you make good choices. Do not be concerned if it does not delineate every blessing or important event that may occur in your life. As you study your Blessing and learn to dig a little deeper, you will learn that every blessing under heaven can be yours.

Learning to read your Patriarchal Blessing is a little like learning to read the scriptures. When we read it the first time, we may have a good feeling even though we admit that we do not understand a great deal of it. We read it again and we begin to remember the storyline, who the different players are, and what happened when. We read it again and we begin to learn the doctrine within the story. We learn to see Christ on every page. We read it again and we start seeing symbolism. As we continue to read, truly study, and seek revelation, we start to understand the symbolism. Each time we read and study, the eyes of our understanding are opened a little wider as we learn more about the message of the doctrine within the storyline. As our understanding grows, our love for the scriptures grows. We are drawn to personal study of the messages within.

Your Patriarchal Blessing is your personal scriptures. It can be studied in a similar fashion. You want to treat your Blessing with the same respect. There is much that is hidden within the lines. It just requires you to dig a little deeper.

Find What is “Hidden” in Plain Sight

Think of your Blessing as a personal message from a loving Heavenly Father to you. There is much more meaning in the Blessing than just the “storyline.” You need to learn how to read your Blessing with spiritual eyes. Your Blessing is not for this life alone but is eternal and holds far more than might be understood on the first or even tenth reading. Just as we are each promised to find answers to our personal set of circumstances within the writings of the Holy Scriptures, you are promised that you can find very personal answers to your life through studying your Patriarchal Blessing. Let’s get started.

Step #1. Get out your Patriarchal Blessing, paper and pen.

Step #2. Read through your Patriarchal Blessing the way you always have. Make a list of the blessings Heavenly Father has promised you. Be as specific as you can. Write down the words of the Blessing where applicable. List qualities, talents, abilities, strengths, any word that describes you.

Chances are if you stopped here, you would have a sweet glimpse of who you can become. But we want to go even further.

It is time to dig a bit deeper.

Step #3. To give you a jumpstart at understanding who you are as an eternal being, read through your Blessing again. This time look for scriptural phrases or common gospel language. You will need your scriptures handy to search for answers to your questions. Record your answers as you go along with your digging deeper.

Here are a few hints as to how to look deeper.⁶⁰

Hint #1: One thing that is always mentioned in a Patriarchal Blessing is lineage, or Tribe. Why? Why do you care? What is God telling you about you?

Digging deeper: Your Tribe leader (Ephraim, Manasseh, Judah, or Dan, etc.) has an eternal assignment. He has eleven other brothers with assignments. What is his role in the family of God? How does it affect you in your earthly assignment?

Digging deeper: This man has a father. His name is Jacob, which God changed to Israel. You are of the House of Israel. What does it mean to be a member of this sacred family? What blessings are promised to those who are faithful to the covenants given them?

Digging deeper: Jacob’s father was Isaac. What kind of man was Isaac? Isaac’s father was Abraham. Who was Father Abraham? Why is he called “Father”?

God gave Abraham several marvelous blessings. What were they? Were they simply earthly blessings? With God, all things are spiritual and eternal. What is the real significance of the blessings of Abraham? What is it describing? What is the eternal implication?

“The…great Abrahamic covenant whereby the faithful receive promises of eternal increase, promises that through celestial marriage their eternal posterity shall be as numerous as the sands upon the seashore or as the stars in heaven for multitude. Elias gives the promise—received of old by Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob—that in modern men and in their seed all generations shall be blessed. And we are now offering the blessings of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob to all who will receive them.”⁶¹

What does all this mean? Write down what you are learning. This is your family inheritance.

The Lord told Abraham, and thus He is telling you, “And I will bless them through thy name; for as many as receive this Gospel shall be called after thy name, and shall be accounted thy seed, and shall rise up and bless thee, as their father.”⁶² All believers can be adopted into the House of Israel and receive every blessing as though they had been born into the lineage. With today’s technology, the Patriarch is unable to submit your Blessing to the Church without declaring your lineage.

Digging deeper: As Abraham’s heir, you have the right to inherit his blessings if you live up to your covenants. What qualities does a person have who is eligible to receive these blessings? Write them down. These are your hidden qualities and strengths.

Hint #2: Your blessing may talk about resisting the temptations of Satan. We know that he is very powerful and seductive. What qualities and strengths must a person have to have power over Satan’s enticements? Write them down. You can develop these qualities.

Digging deeper: Read Matthew chapter 4. Study the temptations of Christ. What was He tempted with? How did He resist? How does Christ’s experience with temptation relate to your own? What strengths have you been given to overcome your weaknesses? Write them down.

Hint #3: Perhaps your blessing mentions marriage. For members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, marriage means temple. What qualities of righteousness must a person have to receive the blessing of the temple? Write them down.

Even if your blessing does not mention marriage specifically, you are an heir of Abraham. With that lineage, that inheritance, you are entitled to exaltation in the New and Everlasting Covenant. This includes eternal marriage. Your Patriarchal Blessing is eternal. It is not limited to mortality.

Hint #4: What does it mean to be “sealed”? Why is that important? Who are we sealed to? What are the blessings of the sealing covenant for us and for our posterity? How do they apply if you never marry in this life?

There is more here than you learned in Sunday School! Dig deeper. What are the qualities of the person who receives these blessings? Write them down.

Hint #5: Perhaps your blessing mentions when you will be resurrected. Now, why in the world do you care when you will be resurrected? What can you learn about resurrection and the timing of when it will occur? Who will be resurrected then? What qualities does a person have who is promised resurrection at that time? Write them down.

By now, your list of personal qualities and strengths should look very different than when you started.

Step #4. Go through the list again and rewrite the qualities into sentences of first person, present tense.

I am righteous… I am worthy… I am a creation of the Almighty God in Heaven… I have great value and worth… I can accomplish great things… I am a person of great potential… I can have joy… I live up to my covenants.

Step #5. Put this list in a place where you can review it regularly. You probably realize that you have not yet developed all those qualities. Begin today. Choose a quality to work on each day. Actively engage in the process of becoming the person you are meant to be.

Your Blessing is individualized specifically for you alone. It will bring comfort when you need comfort. It will give you strength when you feel weak or discouraged. It is your personal revelation from God. As you mature, and continue to study and dig deeper, you will see that your Patriarchal Blessing is an eternal glimpse of who you were before you were born, who you can be in this estate, and what is possible for eternity.

Aren’t you simply amazing?!