Especially for Teens

Heavenly Father Loves You

In this chapter, we are going to discuss sexual purity and virtue. The world today is not a simple and safe place. (Was it ever? Ask Abel!) We need the best armor to combat the evil that surrounds us. We must absolutely renew our commitment to live the standards the Lord has established. Of necessity, I will speak plainly about true doctrine because Satan will do whatever he can to get us off track and to surrender our virtue. I testify to you that evil is real. Satan is its author, and he wants to make you his. But, make no mistake about this, he does not want you because he loves you. He is only motivated by his own false sense of power and anticipated control over you.

By comparison, your Heavenly Father is motivated by love. He loves you with a love that you can hardly comprehend. He has given you commandments lighting the path to follow so you can return to your Heavenly home where you can become Exalted as He is. When you follow His light, you will never lose your way.

True Love is Sacred and Eternal

From the beginning of time, kids have been curious about sex. Who are we kidding? Everyone is curious about sex! It has a pull that is undeniable and sometimes even irresistible. An interesting fact is that when you are exposed to sex before you are ready to handle it emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually, it perverts your understanding of what it is all about. You come away with a very skewed perception of how to relate to people of the opposite sex, what true love is all about, and how to find happiness within a committed, eternal, joyful relationship just like our Heavenly Parents.

While the main topic of these essays is about the sanctity of our sexuality, the God-given purpose for these feelings and actions, and the dangers of pornography and masturbation, for your essay I want our discussion to also focus on teen relationships, the purpose and power of dating, and how to handle common anxieties and stressors. By understanding these concepts, you will be better able to control your desire for porn.

Where Does Pornography Fit In?

Let’s just get it out there: Pornography is a poison that will destroy your natural feelings of love and tenderness that are meant to be shared between a husband and wife. Pornography is perverted. It depicts the most sacred act God has given to men and women as a meaningless, demeaning, even disgusting scene. Pornography has nothing to do with loving another person. It has nothing to do with mutual satisfaction in a shared act of love. Pornography bypasses any form of romance, dating, kissing, and love altogether. It goes straight for the male dominant, bone-grinding, sweaty coupling that in no way represents the kind of loving relationship God designed for His children.

Just the act of viewing pornography is breaking covenants you have made with your Father in Heaven. When you were baptized, you covenanted to obey His every commandment. Viewing pornography, stimulating sexual feelings within your mind and body, before you have received permission to use those feelings within marriage, violates His law of chastity. Why is that you ask? God gave His children these feelings for the express purpose of lifting you, returning you, to His presence. When you use these feelings for any other purpose, you violate His precious gift to you, and you break your vow to Him. When you do so, His spirit must withdraw from you. The Holy Ghost has no choice but to leave you to “eat of the fruit of [your] own way and be filled with [your] own devices.”²

If you have been exposed to pornography in any form, please talk with your parents and/or your bishop today. The faster you can get this out of your life the better. As you prayerfully study Essay One you will start to build a firm foundation in true doctrine. Read Essay Two on pornography and addiction so you can begin to understand how important it is that you do not delay making this change. It may take great determination on your part to cleanse your memory of scenes you have viewed, but it will be worth every effort. Read and study Essay Three on repentance and recovery and start practicing the tools given. Add your own ideas.

Are There Consequences to Breaking the Law of Chastity?

In the past, you have heard talks about sexual purity. Maybe even at school you have been taught about the possibility of teenage pregnancy and all the challenges that go with that responsibility. You may have learned about sexually transmitted diseases. Maybe you have even heard about the emotional scarring of “young love gone bad” after these experiences.

As you know, all these things are accurate. They were not just made up to scare you into maintaining your virtue. But we also know that sometimes they do not occur. Sometimes kids get away with sexual activity with seemingly no negative ramifications. You might be thinking: “Maybe, I’ll be lucky like this guy I know and nothing bad will happen. Why should I miss out on something that seems great and everyone else is doing?” After all, eating a little cake cannot hurt…

Why shouldn’t you have a little fun while you are young? Yeah, you might get pregnant. About 230,000 teens were pregnant in 2015.³ Teen births account for only about 7% of all births in America. But you might not get pregnant. You can use protection.

You might get a disease. New estimates show that there are about 20 million new sexually transmitted infections in the United States each year.⁴ Young people, between the ages of 15-24, account for 50% of all new STDs, although they represent just 25% of the sexually experienced population.⁵ 46% of American high school students have had sexual intercourse and are potentially at risk for human immunodeficiency virus (HIV) infection and other STDs.⁶ But you might not get a disease.

And if any of these things do happen, others have recovered and so would you…eventually. And after all, isn’t that what repentance is for, to be able to make a few mistakes along the way and have everything be all right in the end? You just want a little fun while you are young! We all know people who were a little wild while in high school, even college, but they straightened out in the end, when it was time to grow up. There does not seem to be any lasting negative effect for them. Right?

What about masturbation? Isn’t that the cure for all the above? You cannot get pregnant. You cannot pick up a disease. You do not need to worry about having a partner. You are always available whenever the urge hits you. Sounds just about perfect. Perfect until you go back to what your sexual feelings are designed for and created to do for you. Your sexual feelings are not a simple itch that needs scratching. Your sexual feelings are God-given. They are beautiful and meant to help you bond with your chosen mate for eternity. Initiating those sacred feelings for the purpose of instant self-gratification breaks the laws of chastity because they draw you away from God’s eternal plan of happiness.

There is a real reason for maintaining sexual purity.

True Principles of Sexuality

Please reach back in your memory to your premortal estate. There each of us had the opportunity to personally know and worship God the Father. In The Family: A Proclamation to the World, we are taught that each of us “is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny.”⁷ In the pre-mortal realm, we were taught of the Father’s divine plan for us to gain this physical body. We learned that our mortal experience was designed to help us in our eternal progression toward having a life like our Heavenly Parents’. We each had the opportunity to decide for ourselves whether we would accept His plan or not.

This was not a casual conversation. This was a face-to-face war! No, not with swords or guns, but with words of persuasion, emotion, love, hatred, and passion. It was a battle for our very souls. There was no room for being neutral. There was no room for tolerance. There was also no room for misunderstanding. Lucifer was there with his minions trying to persuade us to follow him. His armies were not nameless souls, but our own brothers and sisters. We knew them. We loved them as our family. This war broke our hearts and tore us apart forever.

However, we stood firm in our resolve to stand with our Heavenly Father and Mother, and to accept the Great Jehovah as our Savior and Redeemer. By so doing, we are now entitled to inherit God’s kingdom, as joint heirs with Christ, if we remain worthy.

Did the battle end there? No. Satan has never given up in his fight to win our souls. His evil desires permeate our mortal world. Why does Satan want us to fail in this life? What do we have that he will never have? The typical Sunday School answer might be that he does not have, nor will ever have, a body. This is a true answer. But think about it: Satan does have a body! He has a beautiful, God-created spirit body that will never die. But he will never have a body like Heavenly Father’s. He will never have a physical body with the power to feel, to touch, to create. But why is it so important to have a body like His? What is so sacred about the power this body possesses that we need to guard its purity with every ounce of energy we possess?

This is the Great Secret: To have a body like our Heavenly Parents, to have Eternal Life or Exaltation, is to have the ability and power to have what the scriptures describe as “eternal increase.”⁸ Eternal increase means to have the ability to have union and perform the act that has the power to create new life or to have children. Of all the powers that our Heavenly Parents possess, this power of creation is what exalts Them above all other beings. They hold the keys of all creative power. Repeat: God is exalted above all creation because of His power to create new life, all forms of life. This everlasting power is found within the bond between the male and female united through priesthood authority for all eternity.

When we were in our pre-mortal estate, we did not have the power of creation. We did not have the power and blessing of union. All of God’s children were single. We did not experience a fullness of joy. That is why we wanted to come to earth: to gain a physical body and to find an eternal partner so we could progress together for eternity like our Heavenly Parents. If we are not exalted to inherit Eternal Life like Father’s, we will lose that chosen partner, lose the power of creation, and will be single for eternity.⁹

How do we make sure we gain this eternal power of creation? It is only possible when the male and female are joined as husband and wife within the bounds the Lord has established. The bounds are God’s laws we are to obey. Our obedience determines our worthiness to enter His temple and receive the blessings of eternal marriage through priesthood authority.¹⁰ This is the only way to be like our Heavenly Parents and to eternally have the power of creation. That is the reason we fought the war in heaven. That is the purpose of our being born on earth.

Isn’t it truly miraculous that God has granted a portion of this deifying power to ordinary women and men while we are here in mortality? The power to conceive, create new life, and bear children is central to God’s plan for the development and progression of His children on earth. The physical feelings associated with this power are designed to give us just a brief glimpse into everlasting joy that is shared with our eternal companion. While we know little about life after death, we do know that how we use this power in our mortality, and the attitudes that we develop about it, will determine whether we will have the opportunity to possess it during the eternities.¹¹ Our obedience determines whether we will be exalted and become joint heirs with Christ.

Let it be understood that God established earthly sexual union for a married man and woman who are committed to living in a relationship that is like our Eternal Parents. This physical union is a Godlike act because it has the power to create new life. Only in exaltation will we ever experience union again. Therefore, using this power in any other manner creates great evil.

Are There Acceptable Alternative Lifestyles?

One of Satan’s ploys is to make us think that there are acceptable alternative lifestyles to God’s boundaries. But we know that the very purpose of our physical sexuality is to lift us to Heavenly Father as a unified, married couple. Therefore, any lifestyle, any public or private sexual behavior not expressly ordained of God will ultimately bring unhappiness because it is not God’s plan.

Obedience¹² is the first law of Heavenly Father’s kingdom. The Lord has indicated that the only true path to eternal happiness is found in obedience to His established laws no matter how difficult it may be for us. The world would have us believe that individual circumstances should allow for various interpretations of His laws. People want to be free to make their own choice in lifestyle. God has granted that freedom through the power of personal agency.¹³But make no mistake: Without obedience, we offend God and will be cut off from His presence, from our exaltation and our eternal posterity. Eternal Life is given only to the obedient.

Our challenge in mortality is to learn to bridle our God-given passions through using our moral agency. We bridle our passions that “we may be filled with love.”¹⁴ Though it may seem very difficult at times, we do have the capacity to control our physical desires and behaviors.

Let’s Talk Frankly About Sex

One of the problems we have in discussing sex is that we seldom give all the pieces of the puzzle so that you can have a complete picture of what your sexual life is all about. You have been told that sex is forbidden until marriage. This might give the impression that it is bad somehow. If you do it while single, you will lose your temple recommend. You will not get into a Church university. You will not go on a mission. You will not marry in the temple. These are all bad things—unwanted consequences. But can’t it all be erased through repentance?

God sets His boundaries on the use of your sexuality for the purpose of granting you His greatest blessings. As you learn self-control, you can receive all that God has to give you, joy beyond measure, even exaltation. This great blessing demands your respect as well as your restraint. Did you think that obedience to God’s eternal laws would be easy?

What counts as having sex? By strict definition, “sex” is anything that stirs those specific physical feelings within us. Remember that God created those feelings. They are good. Sexual feelings are designed to be a process that grows and develops into celestial, exalted feelings. It starts with a simple glance across the room, when your eyes meet, and you feel that special tingle. You like that other person. That feeling may grow through a dance or a walk together where you hold hands. It is a simple, chaste kiss. As you get to know each other better and better, you begin to have deep feelings for the other person. If you are not mindful, it can quickly gain momentum until you want to have greater physical contact, sexual contact, until you go all the way to sexual intercourse. That is the natural progression. Wait! This sounds a little more like love than just sex, but remember, God designed them to go hand in hand.

Where Does Pornography Fit in the Design of Love and Sex?

Pornography has been called the modern drug of the 21st Century. It has more of a mainstream acceptance than any substance, including alcohol and marijuana. The average age for exposure to hardcore porn is 11, far younger than any drug on the market, but has been said to be as addictive as cocaine. It has been around for many generations, but the internet changed all the rules. Where once “dirty old men” had to sneak into dark movie houses late at night or order a magazine that came in a brown paper wrapper, now children can access a wide variety of heinous scenes by simply typing “sex” into any browser. For some reason, guys are more likely to be pulled into porn addiction, but girls are just as susceptible.

Let us be clear: Pornography is not about love. It is not really about sex, certainly not as we have discussed it. It is about enticing you through natural curiosity and then grabbing hold of you before you even realize what has taken place. It is the crocodile¹⁵ hiding just below the surface of the water to grab the unexpecting antelope as it dips its head for a drink. Snap—and it has you! But now you are smarter than the antelope. You now know the crocodile is there waiting just for you.

Why is Viewing Pornography so Addicting?

Because we are created as sexual beings, we are instinctively attracted to one another and to the act that is designed to bind us eternally. Sexual feelings are good feelings. When we first start having these feelings, it creates a curiosity. We naturally want to know more about it. Because it is something that is done privately, we do not casually talk about it openly with others. You might compare it to the temple endowment. The endowment is something that is very sacred. It is not casually discussed outside the temple, but only in sacred places and in sacred ways. The fact that we do not openly discuss the temple ordinances, does not make them secret or something to be nervous about. It shows respect for something that is very important and sacred. At the appropriate time and place, in the temple, you can have all your questions answered. In the meantime, learn all you can about the covenants you will make so that you are comfortable when you enter for the first time.

The lack of discussion about our natural sexuality sometimes creates more curiosity. Parents often feel awkward discussing sex with their children, not knowing when it is too early, what is too much, and so forth. There is also a sense of discomfort that it is putting their own private sexual behavior up for discussion. Sexual behavior between a husband and wife is sacred and private.

Porn viewing hijacks these sacred feelings. Because viewing porn taps into sexual feelings it can release brain chemicals, like dopamine and adrenaline, serotonin, oxytocin, and testosterone. It is quite a drug combination! These are feel-good hormones that are innately produced within the body. Who created them and why? Heavenly Father created them to bind us together as husband and wife. When these natural chemicals are released in God’s way, it is uplifting, beautiful, and bonding. One reason porn is addictive is that it stimulates sexual feelings that release these same endorphins in the brain.

Because these feelings are designed to bond us to one another, pornography has an almost instant ability to bond you to the images on the screen, to hook the viewer to the page. Even the very young can feel its irresistible pull. Interestingly, there is also an instinctive knowledge that viewing porn is wrong. Therefore, you hide it from your parents. You sneak peeks when you think no one else is noticing. You start seeking it when you should be doing your homework. You stay home from parties and activities so you can be alone with your porn. You lie about it to your parents, to your bishop. You couple it with masturbation to increase your high. You schedule life around your viewing time. Before you realize it, it consumes your every day.

Because of the “cocktail of drugs” your brain releases while viewing porn, it becomes nearly impossible for real life to compete. You will begin to prefer cyber-relationships to real ones. Real relationships demand reciprocity, respect, and reverence. Porn demands nothing of you. It will lead you into desires and behaviors of which you never thought you were capable. Porn destroys your ability to be turned on by the little things in romance: holding hands, a slow dance, or a simple kiss.

Yes, viewing pornography is common, but please do not think of it as normal. There is nothing normal about addiction. If you think of “normal life” as what Heavenly Father designed mortal life to be, then it is easier to see why viewing porn and self-stimulation are aberrations and not what is expected. Pornography destroys a sense of relationship and love. It shows people as mere objects to act and to be acted upon. Men are shown to be cruel and dominating. Women are subjected to humiliating, brutal and callous acts. Scenes are designed to demean the most sacred act God gave to men and women.

A Word About Masturbation

There are many that will say it is the only real “safe sex.” It’s great because you don’t need anyone else to feel that stimulation. You can take care of your own needs and desires. Masturbating allows you to explore your sexuality without the ‘burden’ of a partner.

While the consequences of masturbation may differ from other sexual sin, it is wrong to self-stimulate sexual feelings within your body. We know the eternal purpose and design of these feelings. Heavenly Father created our bodies to feel these wonderful sensations. They are meant to bond us to our spouse and to bring us to Him. These feelings are not to be egocentric and self-satisfying. Masturbation is only about you. It is selfish and self-centered. Our sexual feelings are meant to be shared only with the one we love more than life itself. When the other person is left out of the equation, you are left with nothing.

Studies show that when masturbation is coupled with pornography use, the viewer will eventually lose their desire for a real partner. They will lose their desire for their spouse. Many men lose their ability to physically have relations with a real woman. You may have been told that once you are married and have a sexual partner, your desire for porn and masturbation will go away. This is frequently not the case. Instead, porn viewers are disappointed that their spouse is not at all like what is depicted in their favorite videos. Your spouse may not be willing to participate in reenacting scenes from porn shows. They may be personally offended and repulsed by your porn use. They may feel violated by the things you show them and want them to do. Instead of creating love and trust in your marriage, your porn use will destroy it. When they learn that you satisfy your sexual feelings without them, that your sexual bonding is with images on a screen, it feels as though you have broken sacred vows of marriage.

Technology

I spoke at a youth fireside in Spokane where the stake presidency presented this concern for their youth: “One of the concerns we have had as a Stake Presidency is that many of these younger kids [12-13] are developing exclusive relationships among themselves and essentially “pairing off” through the use of the internet (Facebook and Twitter) and cell phones (texting/sexting)…which allows them to say things to each other that they would never say or share face to face. Of course, even though we want to teach those who are of dating age the importance of proper dating relationships and the difference between dating and courtship, etc., we also want to make sure that parents and younger children, ages 12-15, also understand how they should be behaving and learning to appropriately socialize with each other, without the vicarious use of electronics.”¹⁶

These wonderful technologies can connect us, but also expose us to great evil. Remember that Satan is real. He wants you to believe that anything done in the virtual world is free from consequences. He wants you to believe that it does not count if you are not in the same room, and you never touched each other. Do not be fooled—everything you say and do counts in God’s real world.

Please do not be upset if your parents love you enough to restrict your phone use or the abilities your phone may have. Part of the job of being a parent is to monitor the life of their child. That means they are supposed to check your cell phone use, your Twitter account, Facebook, Instagram, chat rooms, etc. Parents have the right to know what your friends are posting and sending in texts. Parents have a responsibility as your guardians to protect you from this early exposure.

It has become commonplace for junior high schoolers, 11-14-years-old, to sext one another. Perhaps you have had the experience of having a “friend” send a request for a nude of you, or perhaps they sent an unsolicited one of themselves to you. You cannot afford to become complacent about what is going on around you. Do not let yourself lose the “shock value” of evil even though you might see elements of it every day. You cannot afford to waste a single day with the counterfeit and fake. You cannot afford to miss a single workout with prayer and scripture reading of the Book of Mormon. You need to be in a program of intense training for you are in the run for your life.

Armed with Truth

This is very adult doctrine, but you are fighting a very adult war and you need to be armed with the power of truth. There is no room for compromise. There is no room to be neutral. There is no room for tolerance.

Young Women, as daughters of God you carry within you the Godlike power to create new life. You must safeguard these God-given feelings and powers with every ounce of your strength. But virtue is not gender-based. Priesthood power, the literal authority to act with the power of God, cannot function in impurity. Young Men, you are called as guardians of virtue. Through your priesthood power you are charged with the responsibility to protect the honor of womanhood. You must fight as a modern Helaman’s army against Satan who will do anything to pull you off course.

If these principles of chastity are so important eternally, why have these feelings been given to you when you are still so young? Have you ever wondered why Heavenly Father did not create His children so that attraction would not be an issue until after high school, until after the mission, or until you were ready to use them?

As with everything we learn in life, there is a process to learning. We need to take baby steps first. We learn to scoot before we crawl. We crawl before we walk. We walk before we run. Our first day of school is not at the university level. We go to pre-school and kindergarten. We spend at least another 12 years studying and learning, practicing, gaining experience and knowledge that prepares us to be ready to leave our childhood home, and be prepared to make good choices on our own. It may be a few years more before we live in our own family unit in the adult world.

Learning to deal with emotions needs to follow a similar path of training. We are born virtuous. We are commanded to remain virtuous throughout our life. As adult feelings begin to manifest themselves, our training must start slowly. First, we scoot. We join Young Men/Young Women. Then we crawl. We go to dances and group activities. Then when we are at the right age, we can walk. We start dating with small groups, and practice making good decisions. Finally, we can run. We are ready for an exclusive relationship and marriage. Throughout the learning stages, we cannot tamper with the divine and remain virtuous.

Life is Like a Relay Race

For many years in August, some of our children participated in the Oregon Hood-to-Coast Relay race. It has been nicknamed “The Mother of All Relays” because the race is 197 miles long. Each runner on the team must run 3 legs of the race. Some runners vigorously train and work hard to be in tiptop shape. Some runners are rather haphazard in their training and others do not bother to train at all. But everyone is hopeful at the beginning that they will handle the rigors of the next 24+ hours.

One year a member of our team, even though he had trained the most rigorously of everyone, pulled his hamstring on his very first leg and was unable to finish. Another runner was distracted and missed her call to take over the relay. Every runner had his or her challenges that made completion of their segment difficult. The night running was the most dangerous. Not only were the runners tired and it was dark, but the roads were unfamiliar which made it easy to take a wrong turn and even go miles in the wrong direction. Once a runner realized their mistake, they must turn around and retrace their steps, get back on track to finish, but they could never make up the lost time. The best part of the race was the help and encouragement the team members gave one another. Teams gathered at the various exchange stations to cheer each other on. As the runners came in, volunteers called the team number, warning and preparing the next runner to get ready to take over for their team. Many people were involved with this race besides the runners: event planners, mapping the course, cooking and preparing the food, volunteers to feed the crowds, manage traffic, organize sleep areas, crowd control, and so forth.

In life, we are all participating in biggest relay race of all eternity. We each must prepare ourselves to be ready to take over the lead when it is our turn. One job of parents and Church leaders is to call out warnings and help prepare you to be ready for whatever lies ahead.

Just like some of the runners, some of you will train hard. You will be faithful in Church and seminary attendance. You will seek to gain a personal testimony by reading your scriptures and praying daily. You will set and achieve goals. Some of you will do it more haphazardly, hoping your effort will be good enough. Others will try to fake it. Some will lose their way and lose precious time in their life-race. But every one of you will have personal challenges that test your commitment and faithfulness.

As brothers and sisters in the gospel, as children of our Heavenly Father, we need one another. We need to give team support. We need to encourage each other to stay on the right path. If one of us strays we need to reach out and help that “runner” return. Our goal as covenant-keeping children of God is for every one of us to finish this race of life on the right path. We must help one another and make certain that no one is left behind. When that final Day of Judgment comes, we want to look around and see every face accounted for.

Dating is an Important Stage of Development

Why do teens need to date? Why not just keep spending time hanging out informally with large groups of friends? Kids should wait until after the mission or in college to date as a couple. That will give them plenty of time to eventually find a good marriage partner.

To find a good marriage partner, one must be a potentially good marriage partner. Developmentally, teen years are the best time for people to do warm-up training, to practice being a good companion. It is a time when associations are meant to be temporary and fun. Proper, healthy experiences build wisdom to make the right decisions at the right time. One of those experiences we need to have as teenagers is to date.

Elder Dallin H. Oaks of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles taught that “unlike hanging out, dating is not a team sport. Dating is pairing off to experience the kind of one-on-one association and temporary commitment… The meaning and significance of a ‘date’ has also changed in such a way as to price dating out of the market. …For whatever reason, high school boys felt they had to do something elaborate or bizarre to ask for a date, especially for an event like a prom, and girls felt they had to do likewise to accept. …All of this made dating more difficult. And the more elaborate and expensive the date, the fewer the dates. As dates become fewer and more elaborate, this seems to create an expectation that a date implies seriousness or continuing commitment. That expectation discourages dating even more…Cheap dates…can be frequent and nonthreatening, since they don’t seem to imply a continuing commitment.”¹⁷

How did Elder Oaks define a date? It is pairing off, one-on-one, for a positive, inexpensive, temporary commitment. Casual teen dating is meant to be fun, low-cost, creative, and often. For the Strength of Youth reads, “Plan dating activities that are positive and inexpensive and that will help you get to know each other. Do things that will help you and your companions maintain your self-respect and remain close to the Spirit of the Lord.”¹⁸

Teen years are a prime time for learning about yourself, but it is not all about just you. It is a time to learn what you like in someone else; how to have a relationship; how to manage your money; how to control your feelings-passions-behavior; and so forth. It is the time to develop self-confidence around other youth. Dating allows you to explore these concepts without any long-term commitment. You can go to a movie, share a burger, and return home to the safety of your family. Dating during this time lets you “try on” different personalities with only a commitment to be pleasant company, no strings attached. This is the practice period to train for the more important events to come later in life.

Your friends may accept the idea that you might sleep with the person you are dating. They may almost expect it. This prohibits dating several people at the same time because then you are thought to be having sex with each one. Even for them, that is not acceptable. The world has moved far away from this simple notion of dating, having harmless, innocent fun together, being able to date several people at the same time.

What can you do to influence the culture of your friends? Standing for truth and righteousness is not always the most popular position to take, so start with your like-minded friends. Talk about it with them. If they are not members of the Church, you can share the For The Strength of Youth pamphlet with them. Let them know your position on being morally clean. Ask for their support. Be brave. You may find there are other people just waiting for someone to take the lead.

As you leave high school, you enter a new stage of dating. Dating in your twenties takes on new meaning as you begin to look at others as a potential life mate. Because you have had a variety of dating experiences when you were younger, you are better prepared to see the character qualities you are looking for in an eternal partner.

What About Kissing?

What is kissing versus really kissing? You may be shocked to hear this, but I always told my girls to try to date 100 guys before marriage and to kiss 50 of them! My meaning was clear: they needed to “try on” as many different personalities as possible so that when the right man came along, they would have enough experience to know the difference between a “prince” and a “frog.” I told this to a young adult group one time and a girl asked, “You really want your daughters to tongue 50 guys?!” What? Of course not! This young Latter-day Saint woman mistakenly believed that every kiss involved tonguing the boy. Absolutely not! Be careful with your kisses. Never let them create feelings within you that you are not ready to have sprout and grow into righteous adult commitment toward marriage. A simple, chaste kiss good night does not involve the tongue or full body hugging. You might ask yourself: Would I want my future spouse and children to watch me say goodnight?

Some scary facts: Junior high school seems to be the place today where sexual mores are being established. In some communities, oral sex is the new good night kiss.¹⁹ Did you know that “oral sex carries the risk of contracting (and spreading) serious diseases—gonorrhea, syphilis, herpes, HIV, chlamydia, and others. STDs can easily infect your mouth and throat, and mouth herpes (cold sores) can infect genitals. Most girls don’t use condoms for oral sex, making the risk of STDs even greater… Having herpes sores on your mouth is not only embarrassing, but you run the risk of spreading it by oral sex and even kissing.”²⁰ Oral sex is considered “casual sex” because it does not include having sexual intercourse. You cannot get pregnant. Casual sex is something/anything that “didn’t mean anything.” How can you possibly give or receive oral sex to one another and not have it mean something?

Making Love

No one talks about “making love” anymore, that romantic scene where two people are deeply committed to one another. You may have heard lewd terms depicting this sacred act. Satan would have you laugh, use vulgar and obscene words or phrases to describe what is designed to be beautiful and holy. Current slang terminology degrades and devalues true intimacy.

Porn does not depict making love. It does not concern itself with love. Pornography skips all the mushy stuff and goes straight for the slam bang. But we are not animals who are simply acting on a primal instinct to copulate.

Think of your future, and how you would describe what you want from your personal, intimate relationship. Do the lewd terms illustrate what you want to share with your loving eternal spouse? Do any of those terms seem to come from God? You know who you are as a Son or Daughter of Heavenly Parents. Remember you have knowledge that your friends do not have. You know that your friends are children of that same God, too. When your friends share porn images, or say crude things, you know immediately that it is wrong to laugh along with the others, or to share them yourself.

Guidelines for Dating

Guidelines, rules, can be simple and fun. Take a minute to sing this song to yourself. Out loud is always best! It is a great place to start. Have fun with it and laugh!

The Twelve Rules for Dating My Bishop Gave to Me²¹

[Sung to the tune of “12 Days of Christmas”]

The first rule for dating my bishop gave to me was one ki-iss at the front door.

The second rule for dating my bishop gave to me was men make the phone call ~ and one ki-iss at the front door.

The third rule for dating my bishop gave to me was plan the date ahead, men make the phone call ~ and one ki-iss at the front door.

The fourth rule for dating my bishop gave to me was men should pay the bill, plan the date ahead, men make the phone call ~ and one ki-iss at the front door.

The fifth rule for dating my bishop gave to me was Keep the Lights On, men should pay the bill, plan the date ahead, men make the call ~ and one ki-iss at the front door.

The sixth rule for dating my bishop gave to me was get to know each other, Keep the Lights On, men should pay the bill, plan the date ahead, men make the call ~ and one ki-iss at the front door.

The seventh rule for dating my bishop gave to me was be honest with affection, get to know each other, Keep the Lights On, men should pay the bill, plan the date ahead, men make the call ~ and one ki-iss at the front door.

The eighth rule for dating my bishop gave to me was stay out of bedrooms, be honest with affection, get to know each other, Keep the Lights On, men should pay the bill, plan the date ahead, men make the call ~ and one ki-iss at the front door.

The ninth rule for dating my bishop gave to me was develop self-restraint, stay out of bedrooms, be honest with affection, get to know each other, Keep the Lights On, men should pay the bill, plan the date ahead, men make the call ~ and one ki-iss at the front door.

The tenth rule for dating my bishop gave to me was seek to be worth knowing, develop self-restraint, stay out of bedrooms, be honest with affection, get to know each other, Keep the Lights On, men should pay the bill, plan the date ahead, men make the call ~ and one ki-iss at the front door.

The eleventh rule for dating my bishop gave to me was recognize your value, seek to be worth knowing, develop self-restraint, stay out of bedrooms, be honest with affection, get to know each other, Keep the Lights On, men should pay the bill, plan the date ahead, men make the call ~ and one ki-iss at the front door.

The twelfth rule for dating my bishop gave to me was don’t stay out too late, recognize your value, seek to be worth knowing, develop self-restraint, stay out of bedrooms, be honest with affection, Keep the Lights On, men should pay the bill, plan the date ahead, men make the call ~ and one ki-iss at the front door!
Dating is a wonderful opportunity to learn how to control your feelings appropriately. This kind of practicing is fun. Following the guidelines make it easier for you to always keep your boundaries firmly in place.

Here is an example of a simple dating rule to remember: D.A.L.T. DARK. ALONE. LATE. TIRED. Eliminate 3 and you will usually be all right. If it is dark, be sure you are not alone. It is not late, and you are not super tired. If you are going to be alone with your date, be sure the lights stay on. It is not late, and you are not tired. You get the idea. Sometimes you need to try to eliminate being alone altogether. One engaged couple decided to invite a little sister along with them everywhere they went as a simple precaution for too much alone time.

Outside the Church, many youths today begin serious, exclusive dating at a noticeably young age. Because you understand the eternal purpose to dating, it is easier for you to comprehend why early, steady, exclusive dating is so strongly discouraged. You can see how it limits your emotional growth and development, the very thing you are trying to accomplish. Steady dating encourages feelings of deep attachment that you are not spiritually or psychologically prepared to handle. That stage is in your future, the future for which you are currently preparing. As a teen, you know you are not ready to make exclusive commitments to another person. These feelings are designed to lead you to marriage, children, jobs, responsibilities, and more. This is your time for fun.

As you participate in casual teen dating, you have a chance to learn about yourself and how well you can handle a variety of situations. One of the toughest things to do is to stand up for yourself when it seems everyone else is going another direction. Peer pressure, even when friends are doing fun, good things, can be difficult to resist. Have you ever found yourself following the crowd when you knew it was wrong for you?

One time I was invited to go with a young man and several other couples to an amusement park. We had something to eat early in the evening. Tummy full. We started going on rides. I was doing just o-k-a-y stomach-wise, when everyone decided we needed to go on the octopus ride. You know the one where the legs are going around and up and down at the same time; meanwhile, the ends of the legs are spinning freely so you never know exactly which way you are going to spin next. I knew it was a bad idea for me to get on that ride because I was already a little queasy. I did not follow my own gut feelings but went along with the crowd. Well, we did not have too many rounds under our belt before my “belt” became a bit g-r-e-e-n! My date did not pay any attention to my pleas to get off until I emptied my stomach in his face! Yes. I puked all over him and because we were going up and down and around, I also puked all over the people in the little cars both in front and behind us! Little chunks of lettuce were flying and landing every which way! Way to kill a great evening with friends!

What can you learn from my nightmare? Pay attention when something whispers in your mind. When something tells you “Don’t do that!”, be brave and listen to yourself. It is always better to listen than to pay the consequences later. Friends will not always have your best interests in mind when activities are planned. You cannot count on others to be sure you do not get into trouble. Be true to your own standards regardless of what the group is pressuring you to do.

Lessons You can Learn from Proper Dating

What are the developmental lessons you can learn through dating? If your parents seem a bit resistant to your dating in your later teen years, perhaps discussing these benefits will help plead your case.

1. Develop social skills.

Recently, I learned of a mother who was urging her shy son to accept an invitation to a girls’ choice dance. He finally agreed to go. When he returned home, his mother asked how the evening had gone. He said, “I had a great time … except my date kept following me around all night.” This young man was not used to the responsibility that comes with dating.

Dating can teach good social skills that include talking with your date and getting to know them better; having an evening when you focus on the needs of someone other than yourself or your friends. Remember girls are different from boys. What interests them is different. But learning about those differences can be great fun. Dating helps you learn the value of the dollar and that some of the best dates cost very little money. Dating teaches you how to think of the needs of others before your own. You learn how to make sure your date is part of the conversation, is having a good time and that you do not talk too much about yourself. You work together to find the right balance in sharing thoughts and feelings.

2. Learn to lead, share ideas, and compromise.

When a young man plans a date, he is developing leadership skills and practicing his future role as provider and protector in the home. He learns to be self-confident and to work together with a young woman in making decisions. A young woman can learn how to contribute to the evening or activity by sharing her ideas. They can work together to create a delightful evening for everyone.

3. Gender role identity.

Casual dating in the latter teen years allows you to practice appropriate gender roles, one of the important psychological elements of this developmental stage. Learning who you are as a Child of God brings peace to your mind and builds your confidence.

4. Prepare for the future.

Being friends with a variety of people through casual dating experiences helps you know the qualities you ultimately want in an eternal partner. One of the many reasons to avoid a steady partner at this time is that it limits your experience at the very time you need to broaden it.

Elder Oaks went on to say: “Men, …start with a variety of dates with a variety of young women… Men have the initiative, … If you don’t know what a date is, perhaps this definition will help… A ‘date’ must pass the test of three p’s: (1) planned ahead, (2) paid for, and (3) paired off. Young women, resist too much hanging out, and encourage dates that are simple, inexpensive, and frequent. …Make it easier for these shy males to ask for a simple, inexpensive date. Part of making it easier is to avoid implying that a date is something very serious. If we are to persuade young men to ask for dates more frequently, we must establish a mutual expectation that to go on a date is not to imply a continuing commitment. Finally, young women, if you turn down a date, be kind. Otherwise, you may crush a nervous and shy questioner and destroy him as a potential dater, and that could hurt some other sister.”²²

Lessons to be Learned from and Taught by Your Parents

Too many young men and women go into the dating years with no preparation. How does a boy learn to ask a girl for a date? How does the girl learn to accept the invitation or say “no” without crushing his feelings?

Here’s a couple of ideas you might talk with your parents about and tweak to fit your own situation. For example, in one family the father and mother decided to “date” their own children. Before age 16, each parent took their opposite sex children on a few “dates” to help them learn etiquette. The men made the phone call. They began the date by knocking on the door, allowing the woman to invite him in and practice introducing him. The kids were taught how to feel comfortable ordering from a menu while being conscious of the price, how to help a woman with her coat, and how to make conversation. Everyone had a great time, and the youth were more prepared when real dates came along. Watching the kind, respectful little things parents do for each other can also be a good teacher.

But learning dating etiquette is not enough preparation. One bishop of a single adult ward commented: “Parents need to be specific in helping their teenagers know what appropriate affection is on a date.” He said many fine young people he knew who had morally transgressed had not recognized the steps leading up to it. Parents need to help their young people know the difference between an appropriate kiss and hug and inappropriate behavior. Teens also need to know how to immediately get out of compromising situations. These rules and guidelines need to be established within your own family.

Another family decided to raise the standard of virtue in their area. The teenage children did not have many opportunities to date only LDS kids. They decided to obtain a stack of copies of the pamphlet For the Strength of Youth. Every non-member date was invited to the home before the evening began. The parents warmly met them and welcomed them in their home. They gave each date a copy of the pamphlet, gently explaining that “this is what we believe and the standard we have chosen to live. As you date our daughter, our son, please remember that we expect you to honor these standards as well.” They found that many times the non-member date was very relieved to have things spelled out for them. The pressure was off. Those who refused to follow the guideline were not seen again. Problem solved.

Maybe this seems a bit corny or awkward for you. Practice dating your parents? Talk to them about kissing? Whoever heard of such a thing?! Remember, if it is awkward for you, think how your parents must be feeling. It is awkward for them, too. Talk together and find fun ways that work for your family.

In a letter from The First Presidency of the Church, Church members were counseled that parents are responsible to teach their children “to be chaste in thought and deed.”²³ In the essay for parents in this series, they are counseled that they need to teach their children about proper dating standards. They need to talk with you about the potential dangers of the internet, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and so many other sites. They must talk with you about the easy and yet devastating addiction of pornography. They cannot rely on Church youth leaders to do this job. They need to establish an open dialogue with you. Please, be open to hearing their thoughts, perceptions, ideas, and fears. And most importantly, you all need to invite the Spirit of the Lord into your discussions.

Dating is just one tool to help you “choose the right way and be happy.”²⁴ Having wholesome activities that fill your days and evenings can help you stay away from the dangers of pornography and self-stimulation.

Is there a way for you to know you are becoming addicted?

Briefly stated, there are four levels of porn addiction: addiction, escalation, desensitization, and acting out.

Addiction is the irresistible urge to repeat a behavior even when you know it is harmful to yourself or someone else. The word is always associated with negative, harmful behaviors, such as substance abuse, gambling, and so forth. We never seem to say a person is addicted to service to others or to reading their scriptures.

Escalation is when you need a bigger dose of your “drug of choice” to reach the original or greater high. For example, you start with beer then move to marijuana then on to meth then cocaine. Or you start by seeing nude images then you watch videos performing the sex act then you move to more violence and domination then child porn.

Desensitization occurs when something that initially seemed repulsive is now sought after to maintain the high. The old images and videos no longer give the needed punch. There is no shock value to them anymore, so you have to escalate again and again.

Acting Out is a place no one ever plans to go. No one starts viewing porn at the age of 10 thinking they may someday become sexually violent or molest a child.

While you believe that you would never allow yourself to fall into the pit of violence against women, rape, or child porn, let alone child abuse, please know that from your first look you are on a downward slope, and you do not know where it will end. It begs the question: Do all porn viewers eventually rape someone? Of course not. Do all porn viewers eventually abuse children? Of course not. But turn it around. Do all rapists watch porn? Do all child abusers view porn? Can you ever say “all” without knowing all? No, but we can safely say most likely.

The Story of John²⁵

I had viewed pornography since I was a young child, about the age of 6. I was exposed to it by my older brother. From the very first look, I was hooked. As I got a little older, I started masturbating. It just seemed to come naturally. As I went into my teens, I got involved sexually with girls. It was nothing too serious. I was able to repent long enough to serve a mission. I truly thought that the mission would “cure” my desires. It didn’t. I battled the temptation every day of my mission. Once I got home, I slipped right back into my old habits. I became a master at lying. I struggled on and off for years. Even after I was married, I could not completely break away. I would stop for periods of times, sometimes even for a few years, but I always returned to it. I could blame it on the stress of the job, or anxiety about a new baby, but that would be just my excuse for the moment. It always filled me with guilt afterward. I thought I hid it from my wife as best I could. I tried talking to several bishops. They were supportive, but they were not ultimately responsible for my behavior. I was. When my wife learned of my behavior, she was devastated and felt betrayed by all my lies. I have to admit I couldn’t blame her. There were times when I was filled with self-loathing. Why couldn’t I just walk away from it? How weak of a man was I? I even had thoughts of just ending my life. This cycle went on for many years. Then the worst thing happened, something I never thought possible. I started molesting my little granddaughter. I felt terrible about it, but I could not stop. I would tell myself I wasn’t hurting her. When I was finally discovered, my life fell apart. I confessed and was prosecuted to the full extent of the law. I was sentenced to life imprisonment. I lost everything: my wife and family, my Church membership, my mortgage free home, my pension plans, and more and more. I have worked to gain the forgiveness of my family. I have worked even harder to gain the forgiveness of my Father in Heaven. I know that He loves me still. Pornography use took ahold of my life and destroyed it. I threw away all that I held dear for it. I know that I can reach out to my Eternal Father, and He will help me feel clean again, but I still have a long road to go.

How to Break Your Addiction

The story is told about a stagecoach company hiring teamsters to drive its stagecoaches through a mountainous area. The local office manager had advertised for the position and people began to apply for the job. As they were interviewed, the boss asked each applicant, “How close can you drive the team to the edge of the cliff without falling off as you round the mountain curve?” The first fellow replied that he was skilled enough that he could drive the stagecoach within three feet of the edge of the cliff. The boss thanked him for his time and called in the next applicant. He asked the man the same question. He replied that he was so good he could drive the team and coach within one foot of the edge of the cliff. He likewise was thanked for his time and the next applicant was called in. The boss asked this fellow the same question. He replied, “I would drive the coach as far from the edge of the cliff as I possibly could.” He got the job!

If we can liken using our sexual feelings to driving a stagecoach, there is great wisdom in steering your own “wagon” as far from the edge of the world as possible. You know where the edge or the line is. You know when things are going too far. You know how to stop and steer your “horses” in a better direction. Most importantly, you know why you need to stay away from the edge of the cliff.

Perhaps you have heard the old Cherokee tale a grandfather told his grandson. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy. “It is a terrible fight, and it is between two wolves. One wolf is evil. The other wolf is good.” “Which wolf will win the fight, Grandfather?” He replied, “Whichever one I feed!”

If your evil wolf is pornography and the good wolf is being a disciple of Christ, which one will you feed?

If you want to be like your Savior, “feed” your brain only “healthy food.” Fill your mind and heart with wholesome music, movies, video games, and images that inspire and uplift you. Eliminate opportunities to “slip up.” You know your weak points. You know the excuses you use. Be your own best advocate. You will need to enlist the help of those you trust the most. Talk with your parents. Talk with your bishop. Together lay out a plan that can work. Know that over time you may need to adjust this plan. You may even sabotage yourself a time or two. But never give up! Never Give Up!²⁶