Essay Four—Specifically for parents
Essay Four is provided as a resource for parents. It gives ideas to build upon and suggestions to assist parents to be more intentional in teaching their children about the dangers of pornography and self-stimulation. It gives illustrations of how to discuss this sensitive topic with various age groups. It provides scriptural examples for family home evening lessons.
Your role as a parent is vital in helping your children know that they are beloved children of God. Help them understand what it means to “feel the Spirit.” Share your personal experiences. Tell your children every day that you love them.
Good Parenting Can Help Keep Your Children Safe from Pornography
While all parents know we cannot remove agency from our children, good parenting can be key in raising responsible, caring, and morally strong youth. One way we can help our children be strong morally is to help them feel stronger in all areas of their life. Whether it is by setting a good example, holding family councils, giving kids chores, teaching them how to handle conflicts, or establishing family expectations, or more, we can help our youth feel good about themselves and safe in their environment.
I recently read an article about one woman’s experience with her 11-year-old daughter.1 She could see her daughter was upset about something and since the daughter seemed hesitant to talk about it directly, she invited her daughter to write a note and slip it to her when she was ready. Later that same night the daughter gave her a lengthy letter describing situations at her junior high school. Boys were watching rape scenes online and posting it for others to see. “Her letter went on to describe a group of boys in her sixth-grade class frequently joking about assaulting the girls in the parking lot. She said if any of the girls aren’t sitting with their legs closed, the boys will ask if they want to get pregnant. And if the girls’ legs are crossed, boys from this group often walk by and say, ‘Spread ‘em.’ They are in sixth grade. No 11-year-old should have to deal with, or even know, about things like this.”
The mother contacted the school, the teacher and principal, to complain and share her concerns. The school’s answer was to have the boys and girls sit at different tables during lunch. It was obvious that the school felt no responsibility, and certainly no power, to change the culture of the students. In fact, the school inadvertently contributed to the problem by encouraging the use of smart phones with internet access to enable the students to download class assignments. Downloading porn became easy.
Dr. Jill Manning, Ph.D., Marriage and Family Therapist: “In 1993, when Internet pornography became public, there was this huge shift; that protective barrier between the sex industry and youth dissolved. There used to be restricted movie houses, order catalogues with brown paper that came in the mail, and all those types of things, where a youth had a difficult time, if not impossible time, accessing pornography. Now, through the Internet, if you have the Internet, you have pornography in your home.“2
Pornography use is being called The New Drug Epidemic. This is a serious worldwide health problem. It is literally hijacking our understanding of who we are as sexual beings. And this is not just a “worldly” problem. It is prevalent within our wards and stakes, within our own homes. There was a time when we were cautioned to “keep the computer in the kitchen”, and that would keep our children safe. Or put parental controls on your TV and computers. That would do it. In today’s internet world, we cannot afford to be naïve and to think that is enough. We must be more proactive in protecting our children. And please note, just because your child does not have a smart phone, you cannot assume that he, or she, will not be exposed to pornography and sexting.
As the parent, you must set the standard within your own family. It is your responsibility to discern not only between right and wrong, between evil and goodness, but between better and best. You must know that “parental controls” can always be worked around. Of course, you “trust your child,” …about as far as you can throw them! In other words, trust but verify. I say this not because they are out to deceive you. They are simply curious, young human beings with all the same God-given instincts and desires you have. Because of their inborn inquisitiveness and current immaturity, you must be the guardian at the gate of their exposure and learning. If your child complains, “Don’t you trust me?” explain that it has little to do with trust. Your job as the parent is to protect your child from the evils of the world that they may be too innocent, too inexperienced, or naïve to know how to protect themselves.
In today’s world, your children are at risk. Please do not believe that because you have not given your child a smart phone, or your child is a good kid, or your child tells you everything, or your child reads his/her scriptures every day, or goes to seminary, or goes to private school, or home school, or whatever, that they have never been exposed, nor will they ever be exposed, to the temptations of pornography, or sexting, or been solicited by their friends for nudes, or have actually sent nudes of themselves to friends. It is time to gather your courage to have a frank conversation with your children. If you wait until they are teenagers, until you think they are old enough to hear about any of this, you will be profoundly too late. If you do not have the courage to use the right words to talk with your children about sex, love and meaningful relationships, sexting, porn/bad pictures, they will not have the courage to talk to you about what they see when they are not with you.
Remember that the average age of a child who sees some form of pornography is 11! That means that many children are exposed at a far younger age. Any 11-year-old kid who has a little computer skill can find anything they want on the computer or phone or pad. The problem resides in the fact that they have no frame of reference for what they are seeing. Are these scenes normal? Is this what they should expect from a healthy sexual experience? Is violence a part of marriage relationships? Do they think this is what mom and dad do?
One skewed perspective offered by pornography is that the sexual experience is related to violence. It is part of its general menu. Brutality is something that has seeped into our awareness through entertainment and the nightly news. We see violence every day. We hear about and see assaults, even murders. The media shows people rioting in the streets, burning cars, and toppling statues. Children are not immune to the effects of this exposure. Studies are showing that subjecting our children to scenes containing violence has long-term damaging effects. Dr. Gail M. Gross wrote that violence in our entertainment affects not only children, but adults as well. Children are especially vulnerable because they are less able to distinguish between reality and fantasy. “Furthermore, there is a chemical change in the brain, similar to that which is seen in post-traumatic stress disorder; if enough violence is viewed, the brain reacts as if the person doing the viewing has actually been abused. This is especially true if the violence is one sided, as in the case of sadistic violence. Now add to this the fact that children who watch violence on television have brains that are still developing, and you can see how really dangerous TV viewing can be.”3
Dr. Gross outlined some of the symptoms she found in her studies of children watching violence:
Less empathy, a common characteristic in bullies
· Use of more aggressive strategies to solve their problems
· More reactive instead of proactive
· More fearful of social relationships
· More argumentative
· More apt to act out in class
· Less patient, difficulty with delay of gratification
· Unwillingness to cooperate
· Strong sense of entitlement
· Symptoms increase as children grow into teenagers and become more violent themselves
It is time to stand up and be the parent! Monitor your child’s viewing. Eliminate programming that is too violent or has sexual innuendos. This may mean that you need to watch a few episodes of these programs yourself before allowing your child to view them. Do not assume that just because it is in a G or PG rated cartoon movie that it’s ok, or that your child won’t catch on to what is implied by the “bathroom humor” or sexual innuendo. Remember that a child’s mind is still forming. Repeated exposure to anything changes the brain. These changes can be seen on an MRI of the brain.
Repetitive violence or sexual insinuation is disturbing to the young mind. Where do they “file” that information? Is it good and he can repeat it? Or is it bad and would be inappropriate for him to do so? How is he supposed to know the difference, especially if you are sitting next him laughing at the scene? As the parent, you have the right and responsibility to monitor and control what your child views. Check their devices. What video games does your child watch? How much violence, such as shooting people, takes place? What do the men and women wear in the game? What stereotypes are being taught to the people playing the games?
Have you had multiple honest conversations with your children about sex and sexual relationships? Do they know what to do if they see pictures of naked people? Do they understand what people are saying when they use crude references? Can they turn to you or are you leaving these critical lessons to the schools? To the Church? To some nameless person on the internet? It is not too late to talk with your children. Even more important, it is not too early!
As the parent, you have the responsibility to educate your children about the sanctity of their bodies, who is allowed to touch them, or view them, or take pictures of them, and what to do when they see something that makes them feel uncomfortable. From prophets to modern child psychologists, people know that if you “train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” How we parent a child has a tremendous effect on how he will be as an adult. Of course, there are exceptions. But parenting styles and experiences of early childhood years can get “wired” into our brains. We acquire sexual and romantic perceptions and preferences that have a tremendous influence on our lives. What we see and experience in childhood, especially if that behavior is repeated and regular, can form who we are as adults. When children, from ages 4-24, are exposed to pornography, it affects their brain development and how they view the world.
You can begin talking with your children at about the age of 5. By this age, they know the difference between boys and girls. You already talk with them about not going with strangers. You talk with them about who can see their body, or who can take them to the bathroom. You need to start introducing the idea of “good pictures versus bad pictures.”4 As you prayerfully seek to know how to talk with your children, the right words will come to you. If you want your children to be able to talk to you about anything, then you must be willing to talk to them first.
Good Parenting Ideas
Every parent wants to do what is right for their children, to help them develop healthy sexual perceptions, to be confident and productive. No one has all the answers to solving every challenge families face today. The following ideas are provided as guidelines, additional tools, to help you in your efforts to teach and lead your children toward a righteous and principled adulthood. Ideas will come to you for your family situation. Write them down.
1. Build proper communication with your children.
This is more than just sitting them down and telling them what you believe is right and wrong. True communication is a two-way dialogue. In order for your children to truly listen and appreciate what you are trying to share with them they must feel that you listen to them and appreciate what they think and feel, whether you agree or not. Learn to listen without interrupting, without correcting, without interspersing your opinions. This kind of listening is really quite hard to do! There will be plenty of time to share your views.
Do not assume you already know the answers but talk with them as though you are meeting them for the first time. You are not “prying” into their personal life, but showing interest in them, in their perspective. This will help them feel your love and support. Listening also sends the message that you have confidence in your child, in how they are living their life. Even if you have your doubts about their judgment abilities, careful listening will give you a chance to understand their thought processes and point of view. Let them talk without interruption or correction. Being an active listener, truly getting to know your child, will also help you to identify any changes in their behavior: change in sleep patterns, grades, enthusiasm for activities, anger issues, increased anxiety, or irritability, etc. These may be key indicators that something has changed in their life that may need your attention, direction, and support.
Being able to openly talk with a parent about these topics gives children the sense of safety and the words to use when they are confronted with porn. Because you have listened to them in the past, you have demonstrated that you will listen to them now when they truly need your guidance.
Tell your child every day that you love them!
2. Hold family meetings.
What better time to be able to share, to communicate, with your children than times when everyone knows nothing else takes precedence? Everyone is present physically and mentally. All cell phones in the basket, please! We all know this is not easy. Not everyone is in the right frame of mind to make this time as precious as it might be. Keep at it! With children, consistency just might be the most important thing we can do.
If kids know that Monday night is Family Home Evening, or whenever your family chooses to set time aside, they will be less likely to schedule a conflicting activity for that same time. Lead by example.
It is important that during family meetings you discuss some of your family rules. Why do they exist? What boundaries have been set and are expected to be obeyed and why? Are there some that are negotiable? Children feel parental love when they can “test the waters” and find consistency there. They may want to argue their point. They may be angry with you. They may break the rules. But your consistency creates a sense of safety and love.5
Tell your child every day that you love them!
3. Be the parent.
Too often parents, and Church leaders, make the mistake of wanting to be friends with their children instead of being their parent. Let’s face it: being the parent is just plain hard. No kid comes with an instruction manual. No two kids are alike. With all that said, you have been given stewardship over your child. God has trusted you with his care and training. It is your responsibility to be an authority figure in their life. Sometimes that means saying “No” when it is the right thing to do. My mother said that she always tried to say “Yes” whenever possible so when she said, “No” we knew she meant it.
Being the parent means that you follow through with your commitments. If there is a consequence for breaking a family rule, then follow through with it. Your kids are “taking notes” on your parenting skills, notes that they will use—both good and bad—when they become parents themselves.
Parenting is a learned skill with a wide learning curve. Each of your children is unique and special. You are not going to get it right every time. Be willing to admit when you make a mistake. Bend where needed if you sincerely believe that your earlier standard was in error. Otherwise, stick with your decisions. Think of it this way: you are giving your child something to complain about with their friends. “I can’t go with you to that movie. My parents would kill me!” True, this may not make you the most popular parent on the block, but then that is not your goal. Your goal is to assist your child back to their Father in Heaven, returning with honor.
Tell your child every day that you love them!
4. Stop the busyness.
Slow Down! Are you too busy to have daily family prayer or scripture study together? Dad leaves for work early. Teens have early morning seminary or band practice or football practice. Billy stays after school for robotics club. Mom has to take Jenny to dance class and drop Tom off for basketball. Dad leaves again for Church meetings. We all get it. Life is full of good and wholesome activities. But if we do not slow down enough to make room for meaningful family home evenings, family councils, daily family scripture study and prayer, we risk losing the very people we have direct stewardship over. Is it worth the risk? Perhaps one family home evening could be dedicated to evaluating the family calendar. What is truly important long term versus just frivolous fun?
During the worldwide COVID-19 pandemic of 2020, how many families’ busy schedules came to a screeching halt? Many families were “forced” to rediscover one another. Suddenly they found the time to be together, eat together, watch a movie, play games, go for a bike ride. Once the quarantines were lifted, how fast did your family get right back on the speeding treadmill of activities? Or did you learn something valuable about the importance of putting family time first?
Tell your child every day that you love them!
5. Be Intentional.
This is the idea of being deliberate in our actions. We must parent with purpose and intent. What is that intent? It is to teach our children correct principles, backed by the doctrine of Jesus Christ, so that they can have the strength, knowledge, and personal power to withstand the buffetings of Satan in their own life. This kind of parenting is premeditated, planned out and purposeful. We cannot raise our children by accident.
“In addition to spiritual protection, Dorothy Maryon, a certified professional counselor, recommends parents help their children learn two important skills. First, she said, families should help children learn to regulate their emotions and cope with life—with its boredom, loneliness, anger, stress, fatigue, and hunger. They should be busy, but also have time to relax, to meditate. Parents can help by providing daily scripture study and prayer. Second, she said, parents should have regular, age-appropriate conversations with their children about healthy sexuality. Kids get mixed messages, she said. ‘They think, ‘If I hear that sex is bad and I feel it so strongly, then I am bad.’ Help them understand that their sexual desires are normal and that this great power should be saved for marriage.”
No one will be the perfect parent. We all make mistakes. We cannot read our child’s mind or know exactly how they are feeling, but we can work together as a united team. We can start by examining the example set by our own parents and choose the best qualities to follow. We can read books. We can talk with other parents we respect. We can listen to the prophets and follow their counsel. If we parent with intent our children will know of our love and concern for them. They will know of our desire to follow the Lord’s teachings in all things. They will know they can ask questions to more fully understand the why behind family rules. They will know they can contribute to establishing the standards of the family.
Tell your child every day that you love them!
6. Teach purity, not naivete.
Innocence is for a season, not a lifetime. It is an ignorance of immorality and its effects on our mortal life. It is a naivete about the evils of the world. Think of purity as an action word, a conscious choice. To live a life of purity, one must have knowledge appropriate for the power of choice. Even though we live in a world of sin, we can make righteous, moral choices. We can always have the Holy Ghost with us to guide and strengthen us.
Many parents express concern about talking with their children about sex, let alone pornography. They feel awkward7, even embarrassed. They do not want to introduce something evil to their innocent child. We must be sensitive to our children and their emotional development. But do not let your own discomfort govern your decision to talk with your children. As the parent, it is your calling to teach them all that they need to know to face the time in which they were born.
You may believe that your child “tells you everything.” You feel very close. This is a wonderful foundation for good communication. And know this: there are things your pre-teen and teenager will not bring up to you. It is almost as if they want to protect you from knowing what is really going on at school, at YM/YW camps, and in the homes of their friends. If you have not talked with your children over the years about sex, sexting, pornography—good pictures versus bad pictures, and more, they will not come to you when they are exposed to these things. They will feel embarrassed. They will believe that you do not know about it, and they will not be the ones to educate you. There is also a sense of shame in telling you. They somehow know that they are not supposed to see these things. Because you have never brought up the subject, they will not bring it up to you. They may wonder instead: Is it safe to bring this up? Will you be mad at them? Will you be mad at their friends? What will happen?
As the parent, you will need to judge when your child is ready to take more responsibility upon their young shoulders. Do not let your embarrassment, or awkwardness, or disbelief stop you from opening a conversation. This is done in small doses, especially at first. For example, you are driving in the car, and you have a few minutes to talk. You are washing dishes or working in the yard together. Bring up the topic of things you know are happening in schools or church or activities with friends. It can be general. Let them know they can talk with you about it, especially when they feel uncomfortable, do not know how to respond to friends, or someone tells them not to tell their parents. Continue having these little talks until you become more comfortable to go into greater depth. Hopefully, your child will not have any exposure to inappropriate material by the time you speak to them. But remember that the average age of exposure to pornography is age 11. That means many children are subjected to it much earlier. If you bring up the subject, they will not be shocked or frightened, and they will know that you know, and, most importantly, that you are a safe place to talk.
Your job is to help them know what it means to live in the world, but not of the world.8 They can live a life of purity even though wickedness surrounds them. Your home and family must be a refuge from the storm outside. Too often kids today will follow the trend of our pop culture simply because no one has taken the time to show them a better way, either by example or by communication.
Tell your child every day that you love them!
7. Lead by example.
Sometimes we are hesitant to speak to our kids because our youthful example is not perfect. I was in a public restroom at a movie theater one time and overheard two women talking openly about the problems they were seeing in their teenaged daughters. They were obviously concerned that the girls were going to participate in sexual activity but felt they could not talk with them about it. Well, I could not just stand there, could I? I had to speak to them. I told them I could not help but overhear what they were talking about, gave them my business card, and counseled them that they could talk with their daughters about the dangers of pre-marital sex. One woman said, “I can’t say anything to her. I had sex at her age. My example is not one I would have her follow.” I asked her if she learned anything from her experience. She did. Could this life lesson be of any value to her daughter? Yes, if shared in the proper perspective. There is power in teaching your children about your own mistakes and the process of repentance you experienced. Making mistakes while we grow up is to be expected, but when we are armed with truth, we can avoid the pitfalls of others. Communicating the difficult lessons from your life can give your child courage to face their own hard choices. This can bond you together, as well as give them hope in their own ability to make good, or better, choices. Living a pure life requires continuous repentance. There is only One Perfect example. The rest of us will have many “do-overs.” We can teach from strength even if our example is less than perfect.
Make a commitment to yourself and your family that your personal standard of living reflects what you are teaching. Too often parents are drowning in their own struggle for purity, and they fail to recognize what is happening to their children. We cannot see the “mote that is in thy [child’s] eye, [because of] the beam that is in thine own eye.”9 We all learn by osmosis, just absorbing the environment around us. If you are watching inappropriate movies, whether at home or at the theater, you will not have the proper Spirit with you when you try to teach morality to your family. You can straighten up your life today. If you have a problem10 with pornography, masturbation, or other sexual issues, now is the time to cleanse your own vessel. Live what you teach!
God wants you to be wise about what is good and innocent versus what is evil. He wants you to be smart and make sure that what you think is good really is good. Do not be gullible about what is evil. Years ago, a movie came out that told the story of two young teens who somehow get stranded on an island together. Of course, the teens have sex. Two of my friends told me they were going to take their 13-year old daughters to see the film because they wanted their daughters to feel good about their bodies and future sexual relations. After the movie, I asked the mothers if they felt their goals were achieved. Did the movie depict sexual relations that would be similar to what their girls would encounter at their age? No. Did the movie show the love and strength of commitment in intimacy? No. Did the audience reverence the sexual scenes? No. Would they take their daughters again? No. But now it was too late.
If you are not the one who is teaching your children about these things, who is? Their friends. Now, who wants to trust the knowledge of a 12-year-old when it comes to the sacredness of our bodies and our sexual relationships? It is always better that our kids learn from us first. We then have a chance to lay a firm foundation in gospel principles. They will go out into the world armed with truth that will give them the ammunition they will need to combat the lies that await them. It is easier to build youth with a strong gospel-based sense of their sexuality than it is to repair broken young adults and marriages that have been hurt by their sexual mistakes.
Studies indicate that 88% of young people have sex before marriage.11 When Christians are singled out, the number only drops to 80%. Hopefully, young adults who have the true gospel of Jesus Christ in their lives would tally much higher. But what does that tell you about what your youth are being exposed to by their friends, social media, and entertainment? Everyone is doing it!
The world objects to any restrictions that God or religion might put on sexual activity. Today people seem to feel that the most important element in sexual conduct is mutual consent. The “standard” on sexual activity is open and free. It teaches that a sexual encounter known as a one-night stand, or “hooking-up,” is not a bad thing to do, but there should be meaning in the moment. Does that merely mean it was consensual? Therefore, rape is still wrong. Coercion is still wrong. Incest is wrong…sometimes. The age of consent varies from state to state. Many people believe that selling your body for sex should be legalized, meaning it is not prostitution. The stigma should be removed. They are now called Sex Workers. Nevada, for example, has legalized prostitution. Brothels are now found throughout the state. If it is legal, then it must be acceptable.
As the parent, your example of what you read, what you watch and listen to, how you treat one another, sets the standard for your family. Your example carries far more weight than what you say. But what you say, what you teach your family is important. The children need to know, to see examples, of how you love and respect one another. Your children need to know your thoughts on the current issues of the day. Take advantage of every opportunity to teach your children correct principles and doctrine.
Show your child every day that you love them!
8. Give your child plenty of honest, positive feedback.
When we are young, everyone feels insecure. Recently, I had lunch with a childhood friend. We have known each other our entire lives. (We were born 3 days apart in the same hospital and grew up in the same ward!) We both remarked about how awkward we felt growing up and how we saw the other as someone who was “cool.” I thought, “How could she have felt that she was a nerd? She always looked so cute and put together.” It turns out she was thinking the same thing about me. We both lost something of our friendship because we could not express to the other how we really felt about them. We lacked something in our self-perception that denied us the vision to see the other person more clearly. We withdrew from one another because we each felt we were lacking.
How can parents build the self-esteem of their children? One way might be to allow children to feel good about their accomplishments. For example, Billy comes home from school and has an ‘A’ on his spelling test. Mother praises him. He calls daddy at work, who praises him. They put the test on the fridge for all to see. All good things. But, if in addition to the external praise, what if they stopped to ask Billy how he felt about this test score? He may want to talk about how hard he worked that week to memorize those words, how he practiced and practiced. This may be a moment when he could say how good it feels to know that with a little work he can do well in school. Giving Billy an opportunity to express good feelings about himself, giving himself positive feedback, can be personally strengthening. Then when the child sees someone else’s success, he may have a better perspective on how hard the other person worked for that reward, instead of feeling negative about himself.
Give your children lots of praise! But make sure it is sincere. My children loved to participate in theater in high school. One daughter wanted me to critique her scene by scene. It was not enough to simply say she did well. She wanted to know if she delivered her lines well and why? What could she do to improve? This taught me the importance of giving specific praise for a job well done.
Give your children as many opportunities to explore their strengths as family finances and time allow.12 Help them identify many aspects of themselves that are valuable and noteworthy. Developing talents takes energy, time, money, and focus—from Mom and Dad! Make the effort to ensure that each of your children develops themselves in personal ways. This lays a foundation for a strong sense of self-worth. Setting and accomplishing goals is challenging, but as we work toward something, our confidence grows and prepares us for future tasks ahead.
One summer, I was helping my grandchildren learn to dive. They would dive off the edge of the pool and swim to me. Before I gave any feedback, I would ask them, “What did you do well in that dive?” They would say “I held my arms straight.” Or “I kept my head down.” Then I would give them one more tip on how they might improve their dive. They swam away to try again, feeling confident they could make good judgments on how they could improve. Giving themselves positive feedback built their courage and enthusiasm to try again.
Tell your child every day that you love them!
9. Give your child age-appropriate chores.
No kid wants to do chores. They will always complain. Go into it with that expectation and you will not feel surprised when they give you a hard time. Chores have so many positive elements it is hard to name them all. Chores teach children of their worth in the family. Everyone lives here. Everyone contributes. Someone brings home the bacon, someone cooks it up in the pan, and someone cleans up the kitchen after dinner. Mix up chores—no boy chores versus girl chores. Every boy should know how to iron a shirt and cook a meal. Every girl can mow the lawn and fix an outlet.
Chores can get more complicated as the child grows. Be sure they know not only what is expected but how to accomplish the assignment. For example, you have given your child the task to clean up their room. If they are four years old, you may start by asking them to pick up the books that are on the floor and line them up on the shelf. Give enough direction that they know what to do and then give appropriate praise for a job well done. As they have positive experiences with one chore, you can add another. By the time they are ten, they should know the details of what it means to “clean your room,” but you can still compliment them on areas where they did a particularly nice job. Help them “own” their accomplishments. “Doesn’t it feel good to walk into your room and the bed is made and clothes are off the floor? It creates a comfortable space for you to relax. I like how your room feels.”
Belonging to a loving family is everything to a developing youth. They need to know they are important to the larger family structure. We all have a sense of accomplishment in knowing we have contributed to the well-being of the family group.
One Sunday a young adult woman was giving a talk before leaving for college. She laughingly, but nervously, told how she had never done a load of laundry, never cooked a meal or even made her bed. She went on and on. She laughingly expressed concern about her survival rate living away from home. My 9-year-old leaned over and said, “I can do every one of those things!” We discussed how good she felt about herself and how prepared she was for when it would be time for her to leave home. Giving her chores helped her have a sense of well-being and confidence in being able to handle challenges that might arise in the future.
Show your child every day that you love them by giving them family responsibilities!
10. Help your child see their best self—realistically.
One of my children was quite gifted in playing the piano. I complimented her a lot on the sensitivity with which she could play. Then I got a call from her piano teacher. She was so frustrated with my daughter. The teacher agreed that she could play well, but she needed to learn the discipline to play a piece the way the composer wrote it before she went off on her own interpretation. When I confronted my daughter about this, she turned it all on me. “You always tell me how good I am, that I can play like an angel. I’m just following what you’ve said and playing with my heart!” That was a good lesson for both of us. I had been sincere in my praise of her playing, and she needed to first discipline herself to play the piece the way Handel wrote it.
The important principle here is that you want your children to have a strong, positive self-image. They will then work to live up to that image.
Tell your child every day that you love them!
11. Solicit the help of extended family members, good friends, Church leaders, teachers.
We cannot do it all by ourselves. We often need the help of others, outside the immediate family, to reinforce the principles we have talked about. Grandparents can be a wonderful resource for reinforcement of family values. If you have a group of friends you respect and enjoy, be sure they know your children. Be sure your children know them. This gives your child a place to go when they feel they really cannot talk with you about something. Invite these friends to your child’s ball game or piano recital. This expands that sense of family that is needed. Support from these family friends goes a long way in giving your child a sense of their own self-worth.
Carefully choosing good friends is critical. But we also know that all good friends are not created equally. Listen as your child gathers with their friends. What kind of banter is going on? Do they suddenly go quiet when you enter the room? Be wary of overnight activities and sleepovers. Much mischief and misinformation take place in the middle of the night that you will never hear about.
Tell your child every day/ that you love them!
12. Spend time.
It takes a great deal of mediocre time to create that special moment when all the stars align, and you really connect with your kids. Kids need to know that you care enough to be at their performances or ball games or parent/teacher conferences…even when they are not the star or in trouble. They need you to insist that they sit down and play a game with you. Reading bedtime stories can evolve into traditions of reading together even when the child is a bit too old for the Berenstein Bears and the Spooky Old Tree.13Time is your greatest asset. Once gone it can never be reclaimed. Create opportunities for one-on-one time. It might be a daddy-date or a trip to the store alone with mom. Make it fun and a little special—like an ice cream cone or a treat at the store.
Spending time with your child every day shows them that you love them!
13. Be physically affectionate with your child.
Appropriate touching is so important! Hug your children. Give them a kiss. Hold them when they are little. Wrestle. Hold hands. Scratch their back. Brush their hair. All my brothers loved it when my mother would get out the hairbrush. Appropriate physical affection is critical for developing a sense of boundary. You set the example.
Your daily touch tells your child that you love them!
14. Teach resolution of conflict.
You are going to have conflict. Every child wants to do what is easiest and what they think everyone else is doing. You must set the boundaries. That is part of your job description. You must enforce those boundaries or family rules, even when you wish someone else would suddenly show up and be the bad guy. But remember all the good things you have been doing. You have laid a foundation to help your child make good choices.
One mother and father told me about how their daughter would get so angry with them. “I think she fully understands that we are novices at parenting and can make mistakes. She wants to be sure to point those out to us.” The husband’s approach was to lovingly try to reason with her the way his parents did with him—and it always worked for them. If she wanted to do something they did not feel good about allowing her to do, he would say “I would prefer that you make another choice.” (Of course, he would always willingly make a better choice when his parents put it that way.) But she would quickly respond, “I don’t care what you’d prefer. I would prefer this…!” The mother’s way of lowering the boom was no more effective. Slowly they learned to set boundaries about how they could discuss their differences. The daughter could be upset, even angry, but she could not yell at them, call them names, or swear. The parents promised to give her the same respect. She knew that talking about something did not always mean she was going to get her way. But, at least, she felt heard. She gave them the opportunity to share what they were feeling about a particular activity or party and why they felt the way they did, saying yes whenever possible. A greater sense of understanding and respect slowly grew between them all.
As parents, you have been given the counsel that “ye will not suffer your children (to) fight and quarrel one with another…”14 Take this seriously, but know that living within a confined space, a home or apartment, can be challenging at times. Sometimes conflict comes among the children. Siblings will argue. This can create tension and discord within the family. Teaching patience and forgiveness needs to be regular family home evening lessons. Role-play pretend conflicts. Let the children create the scene and then act it out. Give children words to use during the play. Then, when real disagreements occur, you can remind them of how to use correct words to come to a resolution. These practice sessions can include resolving differences, forgiveness, and ending with hugs. By teaching your children that their quarreling is breaking a commandment of God you have more influence in the moment.
Remember to be patient. Seek to stay in tune with the Holy Ghost. Pray that He will guide you in the battles you choose to fight. Sometimes the best solution is to simply isolate the conflicting parties and let them resolve it on their own. Invite your children to pray with you. Do not be afraid to apologize when you realize you handled something poorly. This models for your children that they, too, can make mistakes and be forgiven. We all make mistakes. Own yours.
Tell your child every day that you love them!
15. Be proactive in teaching about drugs and alcohol.
We have been discussing the addictiveness15 of pornography and self-stimulation and comparing it to drug and alcohol addiction. For many youths, drugs and alcohol are a rite of passage. Perhaps it was for you, too. Seek to be guided by the prompting of the Spirit as to how and when you approach the subject with your children. The purpose of sharing personal stories, whether from your own experience or someone you know, is for the listener to learn the foolishness of the choice. Repentance is always possible, but it can be a difficult road. Not everyone makes it back onto the path.
Tell your child every day that you love them!
16. Talk with your children about their sexuality.
Children are naturally curious about their bodies. Answer their questions as they ask. Be specific without overwhelming them with information that 1) they have not asked for, and 2) they are not prepared to understand. Start with teaching them how amazing their God-given body is: how it can heal itself from a scratch; how it can eliminate waste; can see and feel things. Teach them the difference between a wholesome hug and an inappropriate touch. When they ask about the sexual relationship, start with the purpose of affection. We are designed to love one another. Tell them about how you met your spouse and fell in love and how exciting that was for the both of you. Teach them that a healthy relationship is built upon love, commitment, desire, sacrifice, and fulfillment.
There are appropriate websites that can teach your child the details of the sexual relationship, but use them with caution and supervision, making certain your child does not begin exploring the internet for more sexual information. Graphic depictions of sex are easily accessible. Your active participation in guiding and teaching your child is critical. Help them see that true intimacy is more than simply a skin-on-skin experience. Your child will receive questionable information from her peers, and pop culture. This could form the basis of your child’s sex education. Be actively engaged in educating your child.
It is your job to instruct them in what they need to know to be happy and morally strong. As you set a loving example for your children, it will be natural to share with them your special feelings for one another, how your love has grown, and why your mutual commitment is so precious. The Lord will guide you as you prayerfully seek for inspiration. Your children were held in reserve to come forth in this wicked time. When armed with truth, they are strong enough to resist temptations. Remember this truth also: You were held in reserve to be their parent. You are both strong enough to step up to the task before you.
Tell your child every day that you love them!
17. Have family expectations.
Several years ago, I attended an inter-faith council meeting where we gathered with ministers, youth leaders, and concerned citizens to discuss how we might strengthen the families in our community. It quickly became evident that the world needs Latter-day Saint “traditions” of having regular family prayer, family home evening, and daily family scripture study.
If you sat down with your family and asked the questions “Who are we as a family? What do we stand for? Why do we do the things we do?”, would you be pleased with their answers? Do they understand family goals and expectations and feel united in achieving them?
One tool that might be helpful is to write a Family Constitution. We did this when our kids were in high school. We wrote it together. “We are a family who…loves each other…stands up for each other…believes in the atonement of our Savior Jesus Christ…does well in school…helps each other…” You get the idea. I printed it up on small pieces of paper and laminated them so it could be easily carried in their purse or wallet. We would then occasionally pull it out to evaluate how we were doing. Everyone knew the expectation of being a member of our family. Everyone knew the others were there to help them when things got tough. We expected the best of each other.
You can use family nights to begin discussing safe internet and social media use. Establishing clear expectations and boundaries will foster understanding, trust, and mutual support. This will facilitate easier discussion about more sensitive subjects, like sexuality and the dangers of pornography, within a family setting.
Here are a few ideas you can discuss with your family and why they are important. Add your own ideas.
1. It is important that you know and monitor your child’s internet access and use.
2. You need to know their friends and which sites they are using.
3. As the parent, it is your responsibility to know what exchanges are taking place between your child and others.
4. Be sure they use all privacy settings on any media source they use.
5. Disallow access to chat rooms.
6. Teach your children not to meet up with someone they have met online. Predators are good at disguise. They will tell your child anything to get them to have a face-to-face meeting.
7. Parental controls should be put on all media devices, but do not think that is enough protection. Your frequent monitoring is still critical.
8. Check your child’s browser history.
9. Limit your child’s instant messaging (IM) contacts to a parent-approved buddy list.
10. Report any activity you suspect as being illegal to your local law enforcement and the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children at www.cybertipline.com or call 1-800-843-5678.
18. Encourage your older teens to date.
Whenever we think about talking with our kids about sex, we tend to think that is something for their high school years…later high school years. We now understand that we need to start that conversation much earlier. What about dating? Is it realistic to expect our children to be morally clean when they are exposed to pornography, sexting, and friends who are having sex at younger and younger ages? Of course, it is! God’s standard has not changed just because evil is more obvious and accepted today.
The question is often asked: If pre-marital sex is so bad, why do we allow, even encourage dating while in high school? Shouldn’t they wait until their 20’s—after the mission—before they should date? Doesn’t this keep them safe from possible intimate situations? Here is an important fact: dating is critical for developing strong boundaries and a sense of self-worth. Appropriate dating allows youth to experiment for a couple of hours with how to treat another person; how to think of someone else besides themselves; how to honorably take responsibility for someone else; how to carry on a face-to-face conversation; how to budget money; how to keep their emotions under control. It is a practice time. No one sits down at the piano and plays perfectly without much training and practice. If we want to have strong marriages, we need a chance to practice. Dating allows us to “try on” different personalities for an evening—with no strings attached. The process helps us learn as much about ourselves as we learn about others. Teens feel their sexual drive during these years. Dating allows them to practice self-control and discipline. It builds character and confidence. Your children have the strength to live pure and honorable lives. This, in part, comes from you—from your example and your teachings.
Your children need to be taught dating skills by grade 6. Yes, 11-12 years old. I can hear you now: What?! My kids aren’t dating until they are at least 16 (preferably not until age 25!) and then only in large groups.16 Right? But that does not mean that some of them are not thinking about it. Having open and honest discussions about the purpose of dating gives your child tools he will need as he navigates his early teen years.
It is critical that your children understand why the Lord has put boundaries on dating—dating is designed to lead to marriage and sexual activity. You have the responsibility to teach your children correct doctrine relating to their sexuality. Read Part One together with your teens. Discuss the principles there. Answer their questions. Help them see that the laws of chastity are not your laws, but our Heavenly Father’s laws. By setting this standard in your home, you are simply being obedient to Him. There is purpose and design for these Godlike feelings. We are to cherish them and protect them.
Please do not assume that someone else has taught your child the things they should know. “They got the sex lesson at school…at Church…at youth firesides…” Do not assume that your spouse is speaking to your children about sex. Why? They are making the same assumption about you. These conversations need to be ongoing throughout their developmental years. Casual conversations. Snippets of time. Formal discussions. Dedicated time. Do not assume you know your child well enough to determine whether they are following your counsel. Do not assume that other Church members are teaching their children what you want your child to know.
Own the fact that these conversations may feel a bit uncomfortable for you. Your kid may even scream out, “Eww! Gross!” Get over it. Be the adult. This is part of your job description. You cannot rely on others to do your work for you. You must be the authority figure. You must have the answers to their questions that counteract all that the world is teaching your children. If you do not have all the answers, find them together. Pray together to have a better understanding.
An additional challenge we face when talking about dating is that too often in our pop culture dating is treated like mini-marriages, sex included. Some parents have come to just expect that once their children are in high school, if it has not happened already, they will be having sex soon. Why fight it?
Pre-marital sex is all about choice. You have only two options: Yes or No. Once you say “Yes,” the choices actually become harder. Where is the next boundary line? For many young people, including youth 12-13 years old, this opens the door for random sexual exploration. Girls are selling themselves for trinkets, clothing, or money. “Why should I just give it away?” Or maybe they rationalize by telling themselves, “We’re not really having sex. (No sexual intercourse.) It’s just oral sex, a blow job, or hand job.” Without a firm foundation in the gospel of Jesus Christ, there is no anchor. There is no boundary line.
And what about your young adult children? Once they have left the home, this topic of conversation almost never comes up again—ever. And yet, young adulthood is the time when there is even more freedom, living on their own, setting their own rules. When was the last time you spoke with your young adult about their purity? If you have been having these conversations all along, it will be easy to have a deeper conversation now. If you have not, it will be all that much harder to start, but do it anyway.
Scriptural Helps in Teaching Your Children
The Lord has not left you without help in how to teach your children. There are important and countless lessons taught in the scriptures about our sexuality that you can use to teach your children. Here are just a few:
Teach your children about the love you have for your spouse; the joy you both feel in knowing that you are faithful to one another. If you do not talk with them, they may misunderstand otherwise innocent situations. One night at dinner, my father, who was serving as Bishop, announced, “I’m marrying Tanya Sniders on Saturday.” My little sister, age 8, was so shocked. In her innocence, she jumped up from the table and ran to my father and started hitting him. Crying and screaming at him, “How can you marry her? How can you do that to my mother?!” It took my parents several moments to realize that she thought her daddy was leaving the family to marry another woman. She had no idea he had the authority to marry a couple, but she obviously did understand the sanctity of marriage and the importance of not breaking those vows.
1 Corinthians 6:19— “Know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own?”
Elder Boyd K. Packer: “The power of creation—procreation—is not just an incidental part of the plan: it is essential to it. Without it the plan could not proceed. The misuse of it may disrupt the plan.”22
Alma 39:9—Do not go “after the lust of your eyes, but cross yourself in all these things.” In the 1828 dictionary, to “cross yourself” means to erase, to cancel, to counteract, to stop, to preclude.
3 Nephi 12:29-30—“Behold, I give unto you a commandment, that ye suffer none of these things to enter into your heart; for it is better that ye should deny yourselves of these things, wherein ye will take up your cross, than that ye should be cast into hell.”
Joseph Smith taught: “All sins shall be forgiven except the sin against the Holy Ghost; for Jesus will save all except the sons of perdition. What must a man do to commit the unpardonable sin? He must receive the Holy Ghost, have the heavens opened to him, and know God, and then sin against Him. After (this)…there is no repentance for him. He has got to say that the sun does not shine while he sees it; he has got to deny Jesus Christ when the heavens have been opened unto him, and deny the plan of salvation with his eyes open to the truth of it; and from that time he begins to be an enemy.”23 Few of God’s children will reach a point of being able to commit this sin.
Repentance is difficult. It was designed to humbly bring us to our knees to plead for forgiveness. We can be cleansed from the sin of immorality. It will take concerted effort on our part. Enduring takes on new meaning as we work to keep our thoughts pure once they have been soiled by the pollution of pornography. Remember that we are never alone in our efforts to cleanse our soul. The Lord is always by our side.
Elder Richard G. Scott: “Confession does not equal repentance. Nor can you assume that because someone did not ask you all the ‘right’ questions, you need not mention them. You personally must make sure that the bishop or stake president understands those details so he can help you properly through the process of repentance for full forgiveness.”24
If sin has been committed, confession is just one step in the repentance process. We must confess to those with proper authority to help us be clean again. As you turn to the Lord through repentance you will find inner peace and have the full companionship of the Holy Ghost. Christ will help you obtain forgiveness which is available to all those who truly repent.
Elder Jeffrey R. Holland: “The Savior will walk with you. He will strengthen you when you waver. He will take your hands and be your hope when hope seems all you have left. His compassion and mercy, with all their cleansing and healing power, are freely given to all who truly wish complete forgiveness and will take the steps that lead to it.”25
How do we turn our sins over to our Savior? There is no one answer to that question that fits all circumstances. It is a process we each must learn through our own purifying refiner’s fire.
This is no random, haphazard path. We can only reap what we sow. God’s plan is the only way to happiness.
Doctrine and Covenants 130:20-21— “There is a law, irrevocably decreed in heaven before the foundations of this world, upon which all blessings are predicated. And when we obtain any blessing from God, it is by obedience to that law upon which it is predicated.”
Doctrine and Covenants 82:10— “I, the Lord, am bound when ye do what I say; but when ye do not what I say, ye have no promise.”
Elder Boyd K. Packer: “Each of us lives on a kind of spiritual credit card. One day the account will be closed, a settlement demanded…And by eternal law, mercy cannot be extended save there be one who is both willing and able to assume our debt and pay the price and arrange the terms for our redemption. Unless there is a mediator…the full weight of justice…must fall on us… All mankind can be protected by the law of justice and at once each of us individually may be extended the redeeming and healing blessing of mercy.”26
Elder Neal A. Maxwell: “The justice and mercy of God will have been so demonstrably perfect that at the Final Judgment there will be no complaints, including from those who once questioned what God had allotted in the mortal framework.”27
Christ gave the greatest example of how to live a happy, sin free life, and we are to follow Him. He knew we would struggle. He knew we would fall. That is why we were given repentance. Repentance is the merciful plan. It is our chance to get up and try again…and again…and again. Breaking any addiction is very difficult. It takes time. It requires much support and patience. Christ will be by your side every step of the way home. But you must muster the courage to take the next step on the path. Courage can come from understanding true doctrine and aligning yourself with it. Elder Boyd K. Packer: “True doctrine, understood, changes attitudes and behavior. The study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior quicker than a study of behavior will improve behavior…That is why we stress so forcefully the study of the doctrines of the gospel.”28
Repentance is difficult. Keeping God’s commandments is infinitely easier than finding your way back home once you have been lost. But Christ will help you during those dark and difficult times. Never forget that He has tasted your bitterness. He knows your weaknesses. He knows when you use your weakness as an excuse to sin. But never forget that He loves you still. He will never leave your side on your path to repentance, but He will never follow you into sin.
Elder Boyd K. Packer: “All of us sometime, and some of us much of the time, suffer remorse of conscience from things we did wrong, or things left undone. That feeling of guilt is to the spirit what pain is to the physical body. But guilt can be harder to bear than physical pain. …If you are burdened with depressing feelings of guilt or disappointment, of failure or shame, there is a cure. My intent is not to hurt your tender feelings but to help you and help those who you love. The prophets teach how painful guilt can be.”29
Alma 36:12— “But I was racked30 with eternal torment, for my soul was harrowed31 up to the greatest degree and racked with all my sins.”
We know that redemption is possible through the Infinite Atonement of our Savior Jesus Christ. “We believe that through the Atonement of Christ, all mankind may be saved, by obedience to the laws and ordinances of the Gospel.”32 This beautiful and all-encompassing Atonement is available now, today, for you. He can heal you. He can take away your guilt and bring you peace.
Alma 36:20—”And oh, what joy, and what marvelous light I did behold; yea, my soul was filled with joy as exceeding as was my pain!”
It has been said that conscience is a celestial spark which God has put into every man and woman for the purpose of saving his or her soul. We want to feel remorse for our sins. It is the path forward. It brings us to our knees, seeking to know that God is with us and will help us through the cleansing process.
Introducing the topic of sexuality to your children lets them know that this is a subject that is okay to talk about with you. From your conversations, you can teach them appropriate boundaries of who they talk with and what they share. Your goal is to teach them that their sexual feelings are not only natural, but God-given and wholesome. This opens the door for teaching them the why33 behind the laws of chastity long before they find themselves in sexual situations. Talking to them about pornography, bad pictures, educates them to know that it is out there and what to do when they find themselves exposed to it.
Many children, youth, and adults are innocently exposed to pornography, but a growing number of both men and women are choosing to view it and are drawn back repeatedly until it becomes an addiction.34 These individuals may desire with all their hearts to get out of this trap but often cannot overcome it on their own. How grateful we are when these loved ones choose to confide in us as parents or a Church leader. We would be wise not to react with shock, anger, or rejection, which may cause them to be silent again.
Sister Linda Reeves shared:
“We as parents and leaders need to counsel with our children and youth on an ongoing basis, listening with love and understanding. They need to know the dangers of pornography and how it overtakes lives, causing loss of the Spirit, distorted feelings, deceit, damaged relationships, loss of self-control, and nearly total consumption of time, thought, and energy. …Pornography is more vile, evil, and graphic than ever before. As we counsel with our children, together we can create a family plan with standards and boundaries, being proactive to protect our homes with filters on electronic devices. Parents, are we aware that mobile devices with Internet capacity, not computers, are the biggest culprit?…
“Brothers and sisters, because I know from my own experiences, and those of my husband, I must testify of the blessings of daily scripture study and prayer and weekly family home evening. These are the very practices that help take away stress, give direction to our lives, and add protection to our homes. Then, if pornography or other challenges do strike our families, we can petition the Lord for help and expect great guidance from the Spirit, knowing that we have done what our Father has asked us to do.”35
Sometimes the very thought of bringing up the subject of sex to your children seems overwhelming. I don’t know what to say! They are too young to understand! I don’t want them to understand! By providing a few ideas of how to start the conversation, it is hoped that you will feel more assured that you will be able to handle the discussion appropriately for your child. Have confidence!
With children 3-8 years old…
Our bodies are so wonderful! I’m so grateful to have this beautiful body, aren’t you?
Girls’ bodies are different from boys’ bodies. Boys have a penis. [Yes. Say the correct anatomical word.] It sticks out. Girls have a vagina. It is inside her body. These special body parts as designed by Heavenly Father are to be used by a Mommy and Daddy to make babies when the time is right.
Our bodies are so special that we do not share them with just anyone. Who are some special people in our family that could help you get dressed, or have a bath, or help with the bathroom?
One Mother’s example of her conversation with a son, age 6:
When our children were aged 6, 4 and 2, we held several Family Home Evenings, where we discussed the importance of “special parts” of our bodies, keeping those parts covered, and not allowing any one to touch them. Since these three had been bathing together regularly, it was not uncomfortable or unnatural to point out the differences in their bodies using anatomically correct terms. We also explained the reason these parts were special is because they are necessary to help fathers and mothers make babies.
One night, as a family, we were watching a National Geographic nature program. Suddenly, the screen was filled with a video of a sperm swimming and entering an egg as the voice explained the process. Our 6-year-old son, Tom,36 turned to me and said, “Hey Mom, how does that sperm get to where the egg is? Does Dad put it in your mouth?”
Trying hard not to laugh, I said, “No, Tom, that isn’t how it happens. But you know what kids, it’s time for bed. Let’s go!” I totally chickened out.
As the two older children headed upstairs, I turned to my husband and said, “Why didn’t you help me out there? I think that you better be prepared to talk to Tom and answer his question. You are the Dad; you should talk to him.”
My husband started to laugh, “You kind of blew it there with your laughing at his question! You are the one who will be there when he thinks about it again.”
As I entered the kids’ bathroom, Tom looked at me and immediately asked, “Mom, do you remember my question? What is the answer?”
I took another moment to ponder and say a quick prayer. I decided to answer as simply as possible. “You know how we have been talking about special body parts and that the reason they are special is because those parts help to make babies? To make a baby, a man puts his penis in the woman’s vagina. The sperm leaves the penis and swims up the vagina to meet the egg and that is how the sperm gets to the egg.”
“That’s gross, Mom.” Without much of a pause on his part, he looked straight at me and asked, “Can I do that now?”
“No, Tom, you can’t do it now.” I hoped the conversation was over. It was not.
“How about when I am 8?” Once again, I had to catch myself not to laugh.
“No, Tom, your body won’t be able to at 8.”
“What about when I am 13?”
I said another silent prayer. “When you are 13, you probably would be able to do that, but the purpose is to become a daddy. Think of some of the things Daddy does for our family—goes to work, takes care of the yard and the house, plays tickle fights. You know 13-year-old Jimmy down the street. Do you think he would be a good daddy? Do you think that you would be ready to be a good father and do all that your Daddy does at 13?”
This time, the “No,” came with great emphasis!
“Well, that is why Heavenly Father has a beautiful, wonderful plan for families. You have a lot to do before becoming a dad. You need to grow. Go to school. Gain a testimony. Serve a mission. After your mission, and while you are still going to school and learning about how to get a good job, you will meet a wonderful girl and then it is time for you to fall in love and get married in the temple so that your family will be a forever family like ours. You can’t really give that to a family when you are 13, right? Does that answer your question?”
Tom was satisfied and I was relieved. I truly felt that my prayer had been answered. One caveat I should add: I should have cautioned Tom that this information about making babies was something we talk about just between us because before the week was out, we learned that our children were the “sex education” specialists for all the cousins in town.
After this initial discussion with Tom, I went and purchased several books, some with amazing visuals of human life before birth. These books became the initiators of many more discussions regarding “the beautiful, wonderful plan” and how it plays out.
With children ages 9-11
Do a lot of kids at school have smartphones? Do they spend a lot of time on the phone? What are they doing on the phone?
What have you heard about things kids do with their phones that might be inappropriate?
Have you heard of sexting? Do you know what it is? Have you seen any sexting pictures? Why is sexting not a good thing to do?
We know that our bodies are sacred. They are created in the very image of God. He has taught us to be careful with our bodies and to share them only with certain family members.
One Mother’s experience:
When talking with the author of this book, she made the suggestion of talking to your children about the specific traps or situations they might experience so that they can be prepared to handle any situation that comes along. In theory, I thought that was, of course, a good idea, but in practice it was more difficult. I didn’t want to talk to my 11 year-old son about sexting because I didn’t think he had come across that (he doesn’t have a phone) and I didn’t want to bring the yuckiness of the world into his life if he doesn’t have to yet. But then one day I had the opportunity to talk to our son alone and decided to go for it.
We were driving in the car to a doctor’s appointment, and I told him that I had been talking to other mothers about some of the struggles other kids have faced. I asked him if he knew was sexting was. He said he hadn’t ever heard of the term before, so I went on to explain what it was, and we discussed why people would do that or feel pressured to do that. We talked about the sacredness of our bodies and the gift they are when shared at the right moments. He was very thoughtful about it and said, “If you feel you have to do that to get someone to like you, they are not worth it. Wait until you find someone who will like you for you.” The conversation took 5-10 minutes and ended up being very natural and casual. I feel greater confidence about talking about other situations he might encounter and now know he is better prepared to handle them because he’s had time to already decide what he will do in that situation.
With children Ages 13-18
Now that you’re getting older, you have probably thought about dating, especially after some of the talks we have had together. As you think about your future love life, what kind of relationship do you hope to have?
Sometimes talking about our love life is delicate, especially when it includes our sex life. It is important for you to understand that sex is supposed to be mutually beneficial and uplifting.
Why is it important to be able to talk about what we want out of our marital relationship? Marriage is more about the united relationship than about satisfying one person’s needs.
This is a good time to reinforce your teachings about modesty. Why are we careful about what we wear? Are there inappropriate sexual messages being sent to others through our clothing? How do we help others maintain wholesome thoughts through our appearance?
One Mother’s experience:
One day my 13-year-old daughter and I were straightening up our house for company. I noticed that she was wearing the new leggings I had bought her paired with a form fitting shirt that went to her waist. I knew she really liked both the leggings and shirt, but she had never worn them together before.
As we worked, my eyes kept scanning her body, discovering just how many curves her outfit revealed. I started to feel uncomfortable. I started thinking about the friends coming over. I knew I needed to say something, but I didn’t want to embarrass her for choosing the outfit she liked. I said a quick prayer.
I decided to invite her over to the couch we just straightened and told her exactly my experience. I said, “I noticed you are wearing your favorite shirt with the new leggings I bought you. You look super cute, but I have to tell you that I feel a little uncomfortable. As we worked, I couldn’t help noticing all your pretty curves. It was actually distracting.”
She blushed and then laughed, “Ew, Mom, gross!”
“I know it’s not what you want to hear from your mom, but I wanted to ask if that is the kind of attention you want from the friends coming over today? I know that I didn’t have that challenge when you wore that shirt with a pair of jeans. Or you might pick a longer, looser shirt if you want to wear the leggings. Just some ideas… I love that you are trying new outfits, but I just thought you would want to know the effect it can have.”
“Yeah, I had no idea! I wouldn’t want people looking at me like that.” She was totally surprised but seemed grateful for the feedback. It didn’t seem to embarrass her at all. She left to change her shirt and we went on with our day.
Each of these moms had a unique experience with their child. You will, too. You know your child best, but you cannot read their mind. They are growing and changing every day. They are their own person.
As you seek to have the Lord’s spirit in your own heart, you will receive guidance on how to be the best parent possible for your children. You can trust the inspiration you receive to help your children on their personal mortal journey. You have the tremendous responsibility to open their minds to the truth about pornography and self-stimulation. These are difficult subjects to discuss but as you seek to be intentional in your parenting, you will build the foundation for good communication and understanding. You will build strong family ties that last for eternity.
Perhaps the most important thing you can do as a parent is to teach your children how to feel the Spirit of the Lord. This will give them the armor they will need to protect themselves from the evils of the world. When you recognize that your child has had a spiritual experience acknowledge it and help them learn to express their spiritual feelings. Help them understand the difference between wonderful, uplifting feelings that come with having the Holy Ghost with you and how badly they feel when it has withdrawn.
Share with them your personal experiences. When you have a particularly good family home evening or scripture study time as a family, talk about your feelings with them in the moment. Invite them to share their feelings. They may need help to know the words to express their feelings. Frequently giving them this opportunity will help them recognize it on their own. It will also help them to know when the Spirit has departed from them.
Remember that the Lord wants you to have a wonderful family experience. He is by your side as you teach and guide your children through the maze of mortal life. Jesus Christ is the Light that will lead you and your family back to your Father in Heaven.
Appendix
One theory about the importance of dating relates to how we develop various parts of our personality at different stages, or ages, of life. Eric Erickson, a well-respected psychologist described these phases of growth as the psychosocial stages of development. Not only do we grow physically, but we are also developing psychologically and emotionally. Just to give you an idea of what a balancing act growing up can be, here is a brief review of these psychosocial stages of development.
Ages 0-1 ~ Basic Trust vs. Mistrust. In the first couple of years of life a child learns whether or not to trust his world. He needs to be cuddled and have his needs met.
Ages 2-3 ~ Autonomy vs. Shame and Doubt. The “terrible twos and threes” are critical as he gains a sense of autonomy through the power of speech, potty training, and what it means to own and share his toys.
Ages 4-5 ~ Initiative vs. Guilt. During the ages of 4 and 5 he becomes more curious about people and imitates adults as he learns to take initiative.
Ages 6-12 ~ Industry vs. Inferiority. The child begins school; starts dance and music lessons; begins playing team sports; starts having chores to do around the house. It is a time to begin to understand success takes hard work and diligence; thus, he develops a sense of competency or inferiority. It is important that, during these early years, children are secure in their attachment to the family and to their parents. In the family circle, children must learn unconditional love from their parents, grandparents, extended family members, and close, trusted family friends. They learn that even though they make mistakes, the world does not come to an end. This circle of people will love, protect, and provide for them. The children learn how to form multiple attachments within the family unit. They learn of their own value and self-worth which builds confidence and courage. This gives them a firm foundation from which they will reach out to others outside the family.
Ages 13-19 ~ Identity vs. Role Confusion. Teen years are the time when we are really trying to figure out who we are and what kind of a person we want to become. Teens “try on” different personalities. Bodies change from childhood to adulthood. It can be a confusing time, but it is most definitely an exciting time as they explore their new feelings, they learn to recognize strengths and weaknesses. They become aware of different gender roles and their sexual identity. Because all of this can be confusing, even a little embarrassing at times, teens tend to turn to one another for feedback and advice. One slight problem with that: Their teen friends are at the same stage of development as they are and are just as confused, no matter how confident they pretend to act. That is why their choice of friends is so critical at this stage. But if families have laid a firm foundation of love and security, teens will be able to be friends with a wide variety of people and remain true to themselves and their own value system. If they fail to resolve this stage properly, they can remain confused. Their sense of self will be unstable, and they can become susceptible to going along with the latest fads, following the crowd, even to the point of joining gangs and cults. Over the past 15 years or more we have seen an alarmingly growing number of youths who appear to be stuck at this stage of development. They have been called “permanent adolescents” and “twenty-something Peter Pans.” They are aging without maturing, without growing up. They have stalled out in their ability to accept the responsibilities of marriage and family. It stands as another example of how the teen years are a critical time of development.
Ages 20-24 ~ Intimacy vs. Isolation. If teens adequately resolve this time of development, they will have the ability in their twenties to have romantic relationships that lead to marriage.
Ages 25-64 ~ Generativity vs. Stagnation. In the adult stages of life based on our identity development, we know who we are and how to share our life with others.
Ages 65-?? ~ Ego Integrity vs. Despair. We are able to move toward fulfilling our life mission and turning to help the next generation.
Looking at life in this way, it is easier to understand the importance of fulfilling each stage of development at its appropriate age. Each stage builds upon the last. Parents have a responsibility to help their children successfully pass through each stage so that when it is their time to lead, they will be prepared. It is almost like a giant relay race of life. Our kids are aging every day, closing in our position.
1 Destiny Herndon-De La Rosa. A writer and founder of New Wave Feminists. She wrote this column for “The Dallas Morning News.” December 2019.
2 Internet Safety 101. https://internetsafety101.org/whatispornography. Italics added.
3 Violence on TV and How it Can Affect Your Children, Dr. Gail M. Gross,
4 Good Pictures, Bad Pictures, Kristen A. Jenson, www.Protectyoung minds.org, Glen Cove Press.
5 My parents had told me that I could double date when I turned 15. My 15th birthday was in October 1965. Then in October General Conference of that same year, the prophet gave the counsel to not date until the age of 16. I was devastated! I tried every trick in the book to get them to “live up to their promise” and let me double date. They taught me a very important lesson. “Nancy, you know we would have let you double date now, but the prophet has just spoken on that subject. When the prophet speaks, we listen, and the debate is over.” They taught me that following the counsel and direction of the prophet of God was more important than anything, even than their promise to me. Their testimony has strengthened me throughout my life.
6 “Protecting Homes from Pornography,” Sarah Jane Weaver, April 2007, https://www.thechurchnews.com/archives/2007-03-10/protecting-homes-from-pornography-82411
7 Years ago, I read an article that suggested that you practice in front of the mirror. Saying words out loud—breast, penis, vagina—helps you get over your own discomfort because you have heard your own voice say those words.
8 Priesthood Power, President Thomas S. Monson, General Conference Report, April 2011. “The Savior of mankind described Himself as being in the world but not of the world. (John 17:14; Doctrine and Covenants 49:5). We can also be in the world but not of the world as we reject false concepts and false teachings and remain true to that which God has commanded.”
9 Matthew 7:3.
10 Read Sections 1-3 of this paper.
11 According to a 2001 UNICEF survey, in 10 out of 12 developed nations with available data, more than two-thirds of young people have had sexual intercourse while still in their teens. In Denmark, Finland, Germany, Iceland, Norway, the United Kingdom and the United States, the proportion is over 80%. In Australia, the United Kingdom and the United States, approximately 25% of 15-year-olds and 50% of 17-year-olds have sex. In a 2005 Kaiser Family Foundation study of US teenagers, 29% of teens reported feeling pressure to have sex, 33% of sexually active teens reported “being in a relationship where they felt things were moving too fast sexually”, and 24% had “done something sexual they didn’t really want to do.” Several polls have indicated peer pressure as a factor in encouraging both girls and boys to have sex. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Premarital_sex
12 Caution: Don’t spread yourself so thin that there is no joy in the process of learning. Remember the blessings of quarantine? Don’t forget what was learned during the pandemic. Family time, down time, are good times. Keeping the perspective of balance—choosing activities that are most desirable rather than trying to do them all—is where the greatest happiness lies.
13 Stan and Jan Berenstain wrote a children’s books series, The Berenstain Bears. Delightful!
14 Mosiah 4:14 And ye will not suffer your children that they go hungry, or naked; neither will ye suffer that they transgress the laws of God, and fight and quarrel one with another, and serve the devil, who is the master of sin, or who is the evil spirit which hath been spoken of by our fathers, he being an enemy to all righteousness.
15 See Sections 1-3 of this paper.
16 SEE APPENDIX.
17 Genesis 2:17.
18 Deuteronomy 1:39.
19 1 Corinthians 7:2-5—“Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.”
20 Genesis 2:24.
21 Personal Purity, Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, General Conference Report, October 1998.
22 Why Stay Morally Clean?, Elder Boyd K. Packer, General Conference Report, April 1972.
23 Joseph Smith, History of the Church, 6:314.
24 The Power of Righteousness, Elder Richard G. Scott, General Conference Report, October 1998.
25 Personal Purity, Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, General Conference Report, October 1998.
26 The Mediator, Elder Boyd K. Packer, General Conference Report, April 1977.
27 Content with the Things Allotted unto Us, Elder Neal A. Maxwell, General Conference Report, April 2000.
28 The Things of My Soul, Elder Boyd K. Packer, General Conference Report, October 1986.
29 The Touch of the Master’s Hand, Elder Boyd K. Packer, General Conference Report, April 2001.
30 “Racked” means tortured. Anciently a rack was a framework on which a victim was laid with each ankle and wrist tied to a spindle which could be then turned to cause unbearable pain.
31 A “harrow” is a frame with spikes through it. It was used to tear up dry ground.
32 Article of Faith 1:3.
33 See PART ONE: The Doctrine.
34 See PART TWO: The Addiction.
35 Protection from Pornography—a Christ-Focused Home, Sister Linda S. Reeves, General Conference Report, April 2014.
36 Not his real name.